how do you prepare for suicide?

[user667]

i want to die and i have for a while. i have tried everything to get better and nothing has worked. but i feel as though i am not ready to die yet. like something in me isn't letting me go. like deep down i am unsure. so the way i see it, i can either impulsively commit suicide now despite the fact i am not sure if i am ready to die, or motivate myself to commit suicide. so i am going with the second option. i want to worsen my depression and mental state and get myself in the state of mind where i am positive of my decision and fully prepared to follow through. please don't tell me this is stupid. i am in constant misery and extreme pain with nothing left and i don't understand why my mind won't let me go. at one point i was fully on board and tried to go through with it. i have made many suicide plans that i fully intended to complete and truly wanted to die with no question in my mind. how can i get back to that state of certainty so i can put myself out of my misery?

 

[I screwed up]

I understand ur situation ... I m in the same boat .. It is the worse situation to be in as I m pulled between 2 world's , its almost driving me crazy ... Sometimes I feel its my SI that stops me but then again I feel I can give life another shot but then there are phases where I feel ctb is the only way out. I am going crazy ... My depression is killing me

 

[4eyebiped]

I think most will say the absolute unwavering desire to die should be a natural one, not a forced one.

 

[user667]

I understand ur situation ... I m in the same boat .. It is the worse situation to be in as I m pulled between 2 world's , its almost driving me crazy ... Sometimes I feel its my SI that stops me but then again I feel I can give life another shot but then there are phases where I feel ctb is the only way out. I am going crazy ... My depression is killing me

yeah i feel the same. not sure how i'm feeling or what i want. just want it to be over but in the back of my mind something is pulling me to live and i hate it. i just want out.

I think most will say the absolute unwavering desire to die should be a natural one, not a forced one.

so there is nothing i can do to worsen my depression to get me to that point? i am already completely miserable and just want to die i just need my mind to let me die
yesterday i was so sure i wanted to die and was going to and then today i suddenly don't want to get and am unsure why does what i want change so fast i hate my stupid fucking brain none of it makes sense

 

[amygdala]

I know EXACTLY what you mean, user667. I'm at the same point.

I (obviously) haven't found a solution yet. I've had some limited success in ruminating about why I want to die and mentally beating myself up.

Like some other people have described, I worry that I have missed my chance to CTB. I think a big part of it for me is that my current living situation is too comfortable. I haven't worked in almost 2 years. My depression and anxiety are more often a numbness than intense pain and despair. And when I do start to feel more depressed and anxious, I can get away by engaging in escapism. Other than eventually running out of money, there isn't much stress in my life that I can't hide from.

I hope this isn't the case but, in the end, I might end up having to wait until life changes bring back feelings that led to the "state of certainty" that you mention.

I don't know what your circumstances are. Is it possible that, like me, your current life doesn't give you enough fuel for painful emotions?

I think that, as long as I can avoid or distract myself from painful thoughts and feelings, it is easier to continue doing that than to kill myself. That is the explanation for why I haven't died yet that feels right to me. That means my motivation (right now) to end my life is actually to avoid an intolerable future rather than to escape the present. Does that resonate with you at all?

I'm sorry can't offer much advice. I hope that sharing my experience doesn't come across as being too insensitive.

 

[_milo]

Sounds more like murder-of-self than suicide.

 

[user667]

I know EXACTLY what you mean, user667. I'm at the same point.

I (obviously) haven't found a solution yet. I've had some limited success in ruminating about why I want to die and mentally beating myself up.

Like some other people have described, I worry that I have missed my chance to CTB. I think a big part of it for me is that my current living situation is too comfortable. I haven't worked in almost 2 years. My depression and anxiety are more often a numbness than intense pain and despair. And when I do start to feel more depressed and anxious, I can get away by engaging in escapism. Other than eventually running out of money, there isn't much stress in my life that I can't hide from.

I hope this isn't the case but, in the end, I might end up having to wait until life changes bring back feelings that led to the "state of certainty" that you mention.

I don't know what your circumstances are. Is it possible that, like me, your current life doesn't give you enough fuel for painful emotions?

I think that, as long as I can avoid or distract myself from painful thoughts and feelings, it is easier to continue doing that than to kill myself. That is the explanation for why I haven't died yet that feels right to me. That means my motivation (right now) to end my life is actually to avoid an intolerable future rather than to escape the present. Does that resonate with you at all?

I'm sorry can't offer much advice. I hope that sharing my experience doesn't come across as being too insensitive.

i get what you mean. i think a lot of it has to do with being in quarantine to be honest. before quarantine i was completely suicidal (as in all day everyday just wanted to go) and i think a lot of that was because of lack of sleep, school stress, constant overwhelming anxiety from all the people, all the people who hate me and made me feel like shit, lots and lots of stress about someone i cares about ignoring me, etc. and now that we are in quarantine i have plenty of time to ruminate on my past mistakes and how terrible my life is and how much pain i am in, but i am not constantly making new mistakes i can beat myself up for, not constantly being hurt over and over again. it's like time is standing still and nothing is changing. nothing can make me better, but nothing is happening in here to make me worse. like the fact that i'm away from my life and isolated from everything makes me feel bad but it's not enough to drive me to suicide, if you know what i mean. i feel like if none of this would have ever happened i could have continued in my downward spiral until i died vs now i am frozen and can't get better and escape my pain but can't die either. another part of it is that i don't want to get better i deeply reject life and everything it is the thought of recovery and living a normal life just makes me want to die. so if i don't want to get better and i can't deal with constant pain then i should just die. not sure when my brain will let me. but hopefully once everything goes back to normal i can get worse again and finally end it

 

[NekoNomNom]

I completely understand your position, as I constantly struggle with this same issue. You've found the words that I couldn't. Even though I've planned and thought everything out, I feel that I'll only be able to do it impulsively; when I'm feeling so incredibly low that death will seem to be the only relief. Sounds dramatic...but that's just the way it is, unfortunately.

Even then, lord knows if I'll be able to go through with it. I get borderline panic attacks that I'll regret my decision right in the thick of it. I can't stand the thought of hurting my son with news of my passing, either. Sigh.