I feel your pain. I have always known that I will not survive my baby girl's passing over the rainbow bridge. "When you go, I go," was the solemn truth I had uttered many a time during those times when I was overcome by my love for her, the bond between us, her beauty and goodness.
She left this physical realm almost one-and-a-half years ago. The grief has only intensified, never lessened.
When I fly back to California this November, I will get another PET scan. If my cancer is back, I will apply for MAID. If not, then I will use the SN I have waiting for me in some cool, dry, and dark corner in my bedroom, still in its original packaging.
It's only four months away. But every moment is a God-damned moment when one is suffering from this God-damned fate.
I get you. There is no other loss after the loss of one's Beloved. There is no other loss.