charlottewilts
read Dostoyevsky
- Jun 15, 2019
- 494
(title is a rhetorical question. i don't actually intend to live with it longer than i can help myself.)
i overheard her saying that to my father last night, he remarried and they never talk unless i had a suicide attempt they found out about or do something absolutely insane when i'm manic.
she thinks that i'm a horrible person and that everything i do, i do to hurt her. i struggled very much with symptoms of autism as a child, before i learned how to mask. i can pass off perfectly now, when i have the energy. but she always thought that i was being inane on purpose, because i hated her.
meanwhile, whenever i tell her i'm gonna kill herself, she always says "parents should never have to bury their children".
but she abused me when i was a kid. hit me, slapped, dug her nails into my flesh until she drew blood, chased with a knife, tried to break my neck over the bedframe. always told me i was ugly, stupid, fat, worthless. often tells me she regrets not aborting me, to which i always reply, i regret it very much as well.
i know neither of my parents actually love me. they just wish i was normal so i wouldn't damage their reputation. i'm actually pretty glad they don't, as i can kill myself with no worries about making someone ruminate over my death. i see a lot of members struggling with the thought of hurting their loved ones. please don't take this as yet another meaningless platitude, i truly and earnestly implore you to reach out to your family and friends and tell them you're struggling. don't isolate yourself. love could help you heal.
i overheard her saying that to my father last night, he remarried and they never talk unless i had a suicide attempt they found out about or do something absolutely insane when i'm manic.
she thinks that i'm a horrible person and that everything i do, i do to hurt her. i struggled very much with symptoms of autism as a child, before i learned how to mask. i can pass off perfectly now, when i have the energy. but she always thought that i was being inane on purpose, because i hated her.
meanwhile, whenever i tell her i'm gonna kill herself, she always says "parents should never have to bury their children".
but she abused me when i was a kid. hit me, slapped, dug her nails into my flesh until she drew blood, chased with a knife, tried to break my neck over the bedframe. always told me i was ugly, stupid, fat, worthless. often tells me she regrets not aborting me, to which i always reply, i regret it very much as well.
i know neither of my parents actually love me. they just wish i was normal so i wouldn't damage their reputation. i'm actually pretty glad they don't, as i can kill myself with no worries about making someone ruminate over my death. i see a lot of members struggling with the thought of hurting their loved ones. please don't take this as yet another meaningless platitude, i truly and earnestly implore you to reach out to your family and friends and tell them you're struggling. don't isolate yourself. love could help you heal.