How do you learn to love yourself?

[Deleted member 19654]

I realise that to take a further step into recovery, I need to learn how to love or accept myself for who I am. The problem is, I don't really know how.

I'm eating healthier and exercising regularly because I need to lose weight which I'm hoping will make me feel better. Other stuff I can't change unless I miraculously become rich and go down the path of cosmetic surgery. I look into the mirror and I just hate what I see.

Aside from my physical appearance, I take issue with who I am as a person. I don't like how I'm so shy and awkward, how I'm depressed and anxious, how I just have no confidence etc.

I feel like I could write an entire book on what I don't like about myself but I always struggle to come up with something that I do like. Compliments always feel so phoney to me. I just can't help but assume that people are lying because they're just trying to be nice.

I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and I'm tired of being so negative about myself.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I wish I knew too. At least you are taking steps to be healthier which counts for something hopefully. I don't even try anymore to lose weight because when I have, I just felt like I didn't deserve to look healthier because I know I'll turn into a cocky asshole about it.

For me, hating myself comes from my past acts of self sabotage. I can't even remember specific instances because there have been so many. Little things like if I'm feeling good about the day my mind autopilots into forcing the good feelings to stop and I have to ruin them somehow. It feels like there's another entity living inside me who is just me and that's the person who I hate except sometimes I'm that person hating on the other me for being so selfish and useless. All my accomplishments feel minor and fake at best. Could be some kind of imposter syndrome thing. I think when you're as deluded as me, there's no use trying to get self esteem from within. I would need an outside perspective from someone I actually trust and who isn't corrupted by any motivations whatsoever which probably sounds even less likely.

I wonder if it has something to do with my self-worth being tied to whether or not I'm good at something. I'm definitely not good at anything and even if I was I feel like it doesn't matter if I'm the best at something. I don't know if I'm a perfectionist though.

 

[death137]

I feel you. I also hate my appearance. I sometimes ask myself "how can my family are normal looking while I'm deformed?" Plus I'm a short male so I'm doomed for life. People say appearance doesn't matter but in truth it does even more than personality. I'm waiting the day I will end my suffering. I hope you get the plastic surgeries you want. But until then I don't what you should do to love yourself. Maybe check the self improvement subreddit. It might help you. Personally it didn't help me much but there are ppl who said it greatly helped them.

 

[MrBlue]

I have no bloody clue. I haven't got any positive attributes, only neutral ones that everyone shares and then extremely negative ones that make interacting with me pointless to everyone around me. The only way I could counteract my inherent weakness is if I become hypercompetent at everything I do, which I know isn't achievable for someone like me.

The only compliments I get are from my family (who would still be nice to me if I was the reincarnation of Hitler) and therapists that are paid to basically say BS. Even then it's usually something that's vague like "you're very neat/polite" that isn't exactly anything to be proud of.

I know loving yourself is supposed to come from within, but how the fuck are you supposed to do that with nothing to justify it?!

 

[greebo6]

I wish I could tell you.
I can't love myself. Impossible.
I'm just too much of a failure ,too messed up and too ugly.
But maybe you can somehow find a way for yourself. I really hope you can. I wish you well with it.
Good luck.

 

[Roberto]

Sorry. I didn't learn it.

I wish I could tell you.
I can't love myself. Impossible.
I'm just too much of a failure ,too messed up and too ugly.
But maybe you can somehow find a way for yourself. I really hope you can. I wish you well with it.
Good luck.

I feel just the same. I'm a failure, too ugly, too erroneous, too wrong, too slow.

 

[greebo6]

Sorry. I didn't learn it.

I feel just the same. I'm a failure, too ugly, too erroneous, too wrong, too slow.

Ain't much fun is it...…

 

[MindFrog]

That's a hard question. If people say that you can't force love to another person, then why is it that loving yourself treated so differently? Maybe it's because it's a necessity for survival? I don't know myself. I hate myself too much to understand.

All i can say, maybe don't jump forward to love. It'll be impossible to do right away, especially if you got used to hating your form.

Start from looking at yourself with respect. Love doesn't start without it anyways, right? So try to frame yourself as how you treat another person. With proper boundaries, and good intent. Maybe love will blossom from it. Who, knows? I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I wish I knew too. At least you are taking steps to be healthier which counts for something hopefully. I don't even try anymore to lose weight because when I have, I just felt like I didn't deserve to look healthier because I know I'll turn into a cocky asshole about it.

For me, hating myself comes from my past acts of self sabotage. I can't even remember specific instances because there have been so many. Little things like if I'm feeling good about the day my mind autopilots into forcing the good feelings to stop and I have to ruin them somehow. It feels like there's another entity living inside me who is just me and that's the person who I hate except sometimes I'm that person hating on the other me for being so selfish and useless. All my accomplishments feel minor and fake at best. Could be some kind of imposter syndrome thing. I think when you're as deluded as me, there's no use trying to get self esteem from within. I would need an outside perspective from someone I actually trust and who isn't corrupted by any motivations whatsoever which probably sounds even less likely.

I wonder if it has something to do with my self-worth being tied to whether or not I'm good at something. I'm definitely not good at anything and even if I was I feel like it doesn't matter if I'm the best at something. I don't know if I'm a perfectionist though.

I can relate to the self sabotage/self hatred and feeling like I don't deserve nice things or good things to happen to me. Perhaps it is some kind of imposter syndrome.

I envy people that seem to be so full of confidence and happy with themselves.

 

[sugar]

I wish I knew too. At least you are taking steps to be healthier which counts for something hopefully. I don't even try anymore to lose weight because when I have, I just felt like I didn't deserve to look healthier because I know I'll turn into a cocky asshole about it.

For me, hating myself comes from my past acts of self sabotage. I can't even remember specific instances because there have been so many. Little things like if I'm feeling good about the day my mind autopilots into forcing the good feelings to stop and I have to ruin them somehow. It feels like there's another entity living inside me who is just me and that's the person who I hate except sometimes I'm that person hating on the other me for being so selfish and useless. All my accomplishments feel minor and fake at best. Could be some kind of imposter syndrome thing. I think when you're as deluded as me, there's no use trying to get self esteem from within. I would need an outside perspective from someone I actually trust and who isn't corrupted by any motivations whatsoever which probably sounds even less likely.

I wonder if it has something to do with my self-worth being tied to whether or not I'm good at something. I'm definitely not good at anything and even if I was I feel like it doesn't matter if I'm the best at something. I don't know if I'm a perfectionist though.

I've been following some of your posts and I just want to choke your inner-saboteur to death because you deserve so much better dude.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I envy people that seem to be so full of confidence and happy with themselves.

Same. I'd even accept being able to fake it because I can't even do that.

I've been following some of your posts and I just want to choke your inner-saboteur to death because you deserve so much better dude.

Maybe I haven't posted enough proof of how much I suck then. Thanks though.

 

[gnomeboy17]

One thing I found helpful is to think of someone you admire (family/friend/celebrity or even a character) and think of a quality you like about them, chances are you have something too, there's something to like about everyone and you'll slowly realise you have many good qualities

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

One thing I found helpful is to think of someone you admire (family/friend/celebrity or even a character) and think of a quality you like about them, chances are you have something too, there's something to like about everyone and you'll slowly realise you have many good qualities

I've heard before that these kinds of issues definitely can stem from having no good role models. It does suck that almost everyone I've ever looked up to turned out to be something more sinister (pro smash players for me). If we can't trust them who can we trust? Not even ourselves is what my mind has decided...

 

[Kramer]

By discovering your good qualities

 

[Gnip]

I was raised to believe masturbation was self abuse when it's the purest form of self love there is...(No unwanted pregnancies, no STDs, no hurt feelings and 100% satisfaction guaranteed...)…

 

[blueflame]

This is just my opinion, you do not have to take it if you do not wish to:

I believe you are on the right track. You can do it. Don't stop moving forward and going deep within yourself to find your true self. I wish you the best.

I apologize if doesn't make any sense.

Feel free to ignore this.

That's all. Good luck.

 

[Panna]

I've been wondering this too. I'm tired of being this way. This last month in particular has felt so much like elliots last attempt to keep his normalcy in check. Driving around santa barbara, kicked his wow addiction, tried to enjoy life and find a reason to live. Ultimately it didn't work and led to his rampage. Everything i've tried to do, forcing myself to think of at least one positive before bed, something I was grateful for, trying to go to bed early, trying to see the people who I'm jealous of as actual people instead of targets of envy. Two weeks later, and I feel like I'm back at the beginning. I still dread going out into public and having to talk to people and feeling insignificant when interacting with anyone, I still feel rage at seeing friendships and couples. I wish something would happen to force me to comply, like conflict, I could at least go out with a purpose, and put my petty desires on the burner forever.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

Sometimes it's like I'm battling two sides of me. One side is trying to make some progress in recovery and learning some self love, while the other side makes me feel like I don't deserve it and should give up.

This is just my opinion, you do not have to take it if you do not wish to:

I believe you are on the right track. You can do it. Don't stop moving forward and going deep within yourself to find your true self. I wish you the best.

I apologize if doesn't make any sense.

Feel free to ignore this.

That's all. Good luck.

What you said makes perfect sense. Thank you

 

[signifying nothing]

I just try to feel okay about myself. Not love, that feels too distant and unattainable. But if I can be okay with who I am then that brings me some comfort.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

I agree with some of the ideas @Maxtothemax has shared. They seem like rather good steps, at least as a beginning.

From going on a diet, or having a better food intake schedule, to balancing how you eventually eat and exercising. Shape isn't everything, but if you wish to change something you dislike about your looks, go for it!

The way a person behaves is another factor, yes. Being shy, sometimes can lead to good things but most of the times it ends up with people pushing over you. At least how it was me in my college days. Experience.
Changing and balancing out your behavior over others, without doing damage to them in the process of course, could be a good goal.

When you said writing a book, I would have suggested on picking up hobbies too, from art to music
to pretty much anything really such as sports.

Just, don't go down the gamer's path, I've done that, it costed me things. A lot actually.

Wishing you all the best!

 

[Lostandlooking]

I think when you're as deluded as me, there's no use trying to get self esteem from within. I would need an outside perspective from someone I actually trust and who isn't corrupted by any motivations whatsoever which probably sounds even less likely.

I think it's a myth that you should learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. When you have someone who loves you, you learn how to love yourself. An outside perspective is crucial. Still, I have no solution for obtaining this. So this might be a bit useless.

I just try to feel okay about myself. Not love, that feels too distant and unattainable. But if I can be okay with who I am then that brings me some comfort.

I agree. Learning to be okay with yourself feels less daunting than trying to love yourself. So I would start there.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think it's a myth that you should learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. When you have someone who loves you, you learn how to love yourself. An outside perspective is crucial. Still, I have no solution for obtaining this. So this might be a bit useless.

That's how I feel too but people say that's crazy. I suppose it could be a seemingly impenetrable cycle in that I can't love myself until someone else loves me and proves it's possible but someone else won't love me until I love myself.

It's like the job hiring/experience dilemma: people won't hire you until you have experience but the only way to get experience is if people hire you. Of course, the solution to that is entry-level jobs. If only entry-level relationships were a thing.