How do you learn to love yourself?

[ferrous-and-glass]

I want Us to get better and I know that starts with not hating myself.

I have no reason to hate myself. I'm good, kind, caring, skilled, passionate....

But I hate myself, and I don't know how to stop, much less how to start loving myself.

Glass

 

[Namelesa]

Being on here has actually increased my self worth and less hating myself with how others have valued me whether thats the comfort or advice I give to them or taking part in discussions on here or others comforting, listening and being interested in me. I feel like I actually belong here and able to provide value to others while they see value in me.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I wish I knew.

I have hated myself for so long. I hate my stupid brain.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well you can try to do what many other people choose to do. Find as many examples of awful people as possible to compare yourself to so you can go "at least I'm not that guy." You'll be able to find plenty of them in any social media platform of choice.

I doubt this actually works since I actually discovered I really am as bad as some of those terrible people but it might still work for the ones who actually aren't as bad as they say.

 

[Blackpepperpancake]

I don't actually love myself, but less hate it when I realized all of cells and everything in my body is working hard to be alive for me even without consciousness, I feel weirdly like they're the only thing belong to me, not for others, and yes even if sometimes I hate my mind and brain yet the fact that these brainless cells still doing their jobs calm me down.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I want Us to get better and I know that starts with not hating myself.

I have no reason to hate myself. I'm good, kind, caring, skilled, passionate....

But I hate myself, and I don't know how to stop, much less how to start loving myself.

Glass

What makes you hate yourself? I think that's the first place to start. Where does it come from? You must know somewhere deep down. If you listen to the inner most reaches of your mind it may show itself.

 

[CravingPeace]

This is a valuable question. We talked about this during my EMDR therapy today. Mine appears to be rooted in sought approval from my parents which I never got, when I tried my very best and exceeded in school and in overall success, but it was still not enough for my parents (especially my mom) to love me adequately. We discussed how my parents just never had the capacity to love the way that I needed. So as a result, I think everything that I do "isn't good enough" and I hate myself because of this.

It's weird to logically know where your through process goes awry but not know what to do to fix it. Maybe next session.

 

[Aloneandinpain]

I will never completely love myself until I experience romantic love. Maybe that sounds wrong/harsh, but I hate how I've failed so badly and don't really feel like I'm even fully even an adult

 

[MindFog]

Just like hating yourself, it's an action done bit by bit everyday. You have to treat it like a habit. Complementing yourself, getting yourself treats and being kind starts with small gestures you could do.

Don't get frustrated if you don't get it right away. It takes time and effort.

 

[ferrous-and-glass]

What makes you hate yourself? I think that's the first place to start. Where does it come from? You must know somewhere deep down. If you listen to the inner most reaches of your mind it may show itself.

For me, it's easy - Our body doesn't fit me. It's weak and painful, and it doesn't look like it should. All of these things prevent me from living the life I want to, and I can't really do anything else.

Just like hating yourself, it's an action done bit by bit everyday. You have to treat it like a habit. Complementing yourself, getting yourself treats and being kind starts with small gestures you could do.

Don't get frustrated if you don't get it right away. It takes time and effort.

Thank you for this. It's so hard to remember that all of this is a process, and that I'm not just a failure because I haven't gotten it perfect yet.

Glass

 

[Cloud Busting]

I think focusing on self compassion rather than self esteem has been a useful perspective. Self compassion and radical self acceptance isn't saying that you as a person are awesome or great. It's meeting yourself where you're at and treating yourself with respect in spite of your flaws.

I was terrified of treating myself with kindness as I highly value humility, humbleness, and am wary of arrogance and narcissism. I worried confidence would lead to the latter. However, it's quite self-absorbed and narcissistic to think constantly of oneself as a terrible person, no? It turns everything into me and my flaws, and surely I can't be that bad or that important, no? I can't be alone in the struggle of life. It's suffering for all people.

The work of Tara Brach and Kristin Neff (caveat: I have yet to read their books but I've scrolled their websites, so my knowledge is rudimentary) have been fundamental to changing my perspective. I'm in no way saying their approaches are universal or without adverse effects or flaws, but it's been beneficial to me.

 

[ferrous-and-glass]

I think focusing on self compassion rather than self esteem has been a useful perspective. Self compassion and radical self acceptance isn't saying that you as a person are awesome or great. It's meeting yourself where you're at and treating yourself with respect in spite of your flaws.
.........

This is the second time this week We've heard someone mention Kristin Neff, so I'm going to take that as a sign that We're on the right path. We struggle with even just self-compassion, in part for the reasons you mentioned, and in part because, as Glass said, Our body is very... let's say unreliable. Someone else once pointed out to Us how selfish it is to assume one is the center of all bad things, and We've been doing... better since then, but it's still difficult.

Steel

 

[Cloud Busting]

This is the second time this week We've heard someone mention Kristin Neff, so I'm going to take that as a sign that We're on the right path. We struggle with even just self-compassion, in part for the reasons you mentioned, and in part because, as Glass said, Our body is very... let's say unreliable. Someone else once pointed out to Us how selfish it is to assume one is the center of all bad things, and We've been doing... better since then, but it's still difficult.

Steel

Who else mentioned her? Her website has been a valuable resource to me. Of course, mindfulness and meditation has become something of a cliche at this point. You could argue many therapists and retreats have diluted the practice or treat it like a catch-all solution. I recommend looking up the possible adverse effects before going this route. The research is still in the early stages, but it's worth a look.


I like what @MindFog said about self love being a habit that takes time to cultivate. You will make mistakes, and it takes practice. It is difficult to un-learn self hate. With self-acceptance, I allow myself to feel my feelings, and give myself compassion for feeling frustrated or struggling. I like the treat yourself like you would a friend exercise, which you can find on Neff's site in the exercises section. Google should prop up other prompts and such if you want a less mindful/meditative bent to the practice.

It's hard to love yourself when you don't, so giving myself compassion and accepting that I don't has been an effective compromise that is making it easier to get there. Recently I have fallen back into bouts of self-loathing, but I'm recognizing it at least, which is progress. Patience is a virtue, as self-love is gradual and has no linear timeline.

Realizing I'm not the center of the universe is key, as well as erasing "good person" and "bad person" from my vocabulary. It's challenging, but I'm trying not to define myself by my behavior or mistakes. They're learning lessons. I don't know about you, but I'm a perfectionist, so I'm trying to strive for progress/improvement over perfection. Trying to be less rigid/black and white. It takes time.

What @Blackpepperpancake said about the cells and organs belonging to them being their source of comfort is interesting. To me, that's alien. Humbling myself, knowing I am interconnected to all living things- including the universe- is my motivator. I view my body as a temple because the universe is why I'm alive, and I want to honor the earth. Also harming myself harms others as nothing exists in a vacuum. The earth and all things that exist within it are communal and interconnected.

Basically, it's a process to find an approach that will work for you. I'm glad you have a supportive environment wherein you can filter through these things.

 

[2messdup]

I want Us to get better and I know that starts with not hating myself.

I have no reason to hate myself. I'm good, kind, caring, skilled, passionate....

But I hate myself, and I don't know how to stop, much less how to start loving myself.

Glass

Compassion focused therapy.

 

[Done_with_the_world]

I want Us to get better and I know that starts with not hating myself.

I have no reason to hate myself. I'm good, kind, caring, skilled, passionate....

But I hate myself, and I don't know how to stop, much less how to start loving myself.

Glass

I have no idea. I'm glad you are able to, but I think I'm beyond that point. It's good you are finding amazing things about yourself. That's the first step. Keep trying and never lose that spirit, I know some people can. It's too much for me now, but I wish you luck.

 

[derpyderpins]

Whether you are too hard on yourself or too full of yourself, I think the way forward is to start by treating yourself closer to how you'd treat a stranger.

Example: I do something stupid and think "goddam you piece of shit you're so terrible." Then I think, 'well if someone else did that, what would I say to them?' Usually it's like "hey man no big deal. Life sucks keep at it!" Then, even if I don't accept it, I notice the discrepancy.

It's a process from there that takes practice.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I have no idea. I'm glad you are able to, but I think I'm beyond that point. It's good you are finding amazing things about yourself. That's the first step. Keep trying and never lose that spirit, I know some people can. It's too much for me now, but I wish you luck.

If finding amazing things about oneself works for people, I shan't argue against it. However, that's never worked for me. Focusing on respecting myself, humbling myself, meeting myself where I'm at, and acknowledging my weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and need for help over resisting such things is a better approach for me. By accepting my weaknesses, I don't mean so stagnantly nor passively. I try to see weakness as a challenge to work through rather than as a source of shame.

Thinking of myself as "amazing" feels arrogant. I wonder if anyone else relates.

 

[cait_sith]

I don't actually love myself, but less hate it when I realized all of cells and everything in my body is working hard to be alive for me even without consciousness, I feel weirdly like they're the only thing belong to me, not for others, and yes even if sometimes I hate my mind and brain yet the fact that these brainless cells still doing their jobs calm me down.

i personally hate the idea that there are countless mindless flesh-gears and blood-pumps constantly working away to keep my shitty self going while i use this machine for literally nothing except turning food-resources into shit.

 

[SufferingNSilence]

This is a valuable question. We talked about this during my EMDR therapy today. Mine appears to be rooted in sought approval from my parents which I never got, when I tried my very best and exceeded in school and in overall success, but it was still not enough for my parents (especially my mom) to love me adequately. We discussed how my parents just never had the capacity to love the way that I needed. So as a result, I think everything that I do "isn't good enough" and I hate myself because of this.

It's weird to logically know where your through process goes awry but not know what to do to fix it. Maybe next session.

Yes, agreed, I recently moved closer in hopes to FINALLY MAYBE get close to my Mother after she would literally abuse(aka beat the living hell out of me as a child....as I was the oldest and got blamed FOR EVERYTHING..many which I had NOTHING to do with). Now Im up here for over a year, just 10mins away from her and she has yet to visit me once. I *THOUGHT I was doing right by her and could come up and assist her with things in her elder years. Oh Gosh she is just the opposite of me. Im a huge empath....she is the opposite. She sent me to live with my Grandparents when I was 12 yrs old. They both have been gone for years. They provided me with *unconditional love. I really hope we do get to see our passed loved ones in the afterlife(?).....
I used to love myself. ....Im afraid those days are long over now. ((big sigh))

 

[Cloud Busting]

i personally hate the idea that there are countless mindless flesh-gears and blood-pumps constantly working away to keep my shitty self going while i use this machine for literally nothing except turning food-resources into shit.

God yes. I, as a thing brought here by random chance, really mean nothing. I'm just cells and matter and atoms wasting space. Who I really am is a foreign aspect. I'm just a machine, a flesh suit, I exist via survival of the species, I could perish and something more productive or significant could take my place. Humans could become extinct today and the world may be better off for it.

It's the external things that are more grand than I that I view as a reflection of me. I exist because of the people, things, and universe that surrounds me, so I learned to pay those things respect by respecting myself. Cause and effect. My actions and behaviors affect everything around me, not just myself.

The varying worldviews people have is so fascinating.

 

[Redacted24]

For me it's trying to unlearn all of the negative conditioning that my abusive partner has filled me with over more than seven years.

I only realized that I'm in a situation of domestic violence about eight months ago.

It's been said that the first step toward wisdom is calling things by their right names.

But it's hard to accept the kind affirmations from others that I'm a nice, reasonable, gentle person when inside I'm fully immersed in thinking I'm a horrible person, an embarrassment, someone nobody likes and people are scared of me ... as my partner of 20+ years insists.

I'm trying to accept compliments again, without sloughing them off.

I'm trying to accept my failures, that they've not been made intentionally but are just things that happen.

I'm trying to muster the courage to interact with people and conquer the fear that they will hate me and punish me for any infraction

I'm trying to look for ways to find humor in my mistakes, and realize they're not the end of the world

I'm trying to counter the inner voice that the world would be better off without me, and everyone would be happier

I'm trying to acknowledge that others - maybe not many, but even if it's just a couple of people, see me as valued, relevant, welcomed... instead of the irrelevant, unwanted, unneeded person that I feel I am

I'm trying...

It is a struggle and I know I can be needing of reassurance and kindness, and that I spend a lot of time apologizing for being the way I am.
Sorry for that! (Heh heh, yeah I know, it just kind of comes out...)

I acknowledge these facts, and calling it what it is has helped. It's made me feel less ownership of my struggle, but more in control, if that makes sense? Like a driver sliding on an icy street - I know it's not my fault the vehicle is moving in an unhealthy way, but if I'm judicious about steering, brakes and throttle I can continue on my way. It's not my fault at this moment.

Sorry for the long reply.
But you can do this!
It's worth trying...

 

[ferrous-and-glass]

We really appreciate everyone's additions! It's really helpful to hear what everyone has to say.

I'm still struggling a lot, especially with how unfulfilled I am due to the physical restrictions We exist with. But We're trying Our best.

Glass