How do you know when you REALLY are finally going to end it?

[lotus11]

I am wondering (probably this question is best for those people who have actually attempted before) although you can be suicidal, planning suicide, or close to suicide for a very long time. How do you think that you know the moment when you finally REALLY are going to manage to do it?

Any thoughts that you have, how do you feel, or not feel...circumstances etc...

 

[Jean4]

Personally, I am prone to impulsive CTB.

I keep reading over and over Stan's goodbye post and this line
20gm of SN in 50ml of water (making a few glasses - will drink them till the job is done - no coming back, no failure)
When you get to that point, you know.

 

[Flume]

I'll know it when the time comes. For the past decade this has been a slow buildup for me, slowly leading to death. When the time is here it's here, it's like some sort of internal clock or something.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

My first attempt was spontaneous, just felt like something had changed, I just felt I might as well get it over and done with. Then another attempt which I was going to do on Friday 13th was planned, I just felt ready to do it, I had nearly everything ready but then my sister became ill that night I was going to do it and it ruined the moment and brought me back down to reality.

 

[Ark]

For me it was after I analyzed every possibility of making things better and realized I never could. In that moment I realized this was truly my only way to peace.

 

[dumdumdedum]

something broke inside me recently. it was then i realised that ctb was actually a positive, leading me out of what has been many decades of discomfort and maladjustment.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

My urges flare up but usually something triggers it. Money problems, relationship issues, like that. But the time I attempted, everything was "going great." I caught everybody by surprise. It was just something I desperately needed to do. I still cannot rationalize it.

 

[Fiadh]

In my case it was a slow build up, I felt sad all the time and dint think things would get better, so one day I realized that every moment that my mind wasn't occupied I was thinking of killing my self, that's when I knew I had to do it.

 

[Manja]

There Is nothing I can do to make life livable

 

[NeCkDeEp]

Okay so this is my experience of my last attempt: I kept shouting that I will ctb as soon as SN arrives, so I did.
Even though I somehow planned intentionally a day to ctb: I haven't felt that happy for weeks, I kept dancing and singing in my apartment because of knowing that I was gonna ctb. (I failed tho.)

So all I want to say is: even if you got the same plan as me, this is obvs a sign that you are completely okay with your decision and have no fear of ctb.
If the thought of ctb makes you hold back or gives you any fear.. please think longer whether this is what you want or nah

 

[Tearygirl]

There Is nothing I can do to make life livable

Me too. Life is a painful curse for me. I can't escape until I success to ctb.

Okay so this is my experience of my last attempt: I kept shouting that I will ctb as soon as SN arrives, so I did.
Even though I somehow planned intentionally a day to ctb: I haven't felt that happy for weeks, I kept dancing and singing in my apartment because of knowing that I was gonna ctb. (I failed tho.)

So all I want to say is: even if you got the same plan as me, this is obvs a sign that you are completely okay with your decision and have no fear of ctb.
If the thought of ctb makes you hold back or gives you any fear.. please think longer whether this is what you want or nah

Yes, I always afraid of death, but when I tried to ctb, I was very calm about it. I trembled, but was not afraid.

 

[Kotochan]

I don't think I will know when. I think it will just happen. I've been so close to death so many times. I've accepted it a few of those times, thinking that those were my final moments. It's really easy to mess up though - especially when you are panicked.

Eventually, if you attempt enough, with lethal enough means, with no chance of anyone finding you, you will die and your survival instinct will not save you. The more determined and willing to put up with fear the more likely you are to succeed, so if you're a baby like me that means you have to just keep trying until you get it right. Build your resilience to the fear - and increase your chances.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

I don't think I will know when. I think it will just happen. I've been so close to death so many times. I've accepted it a few of those times, thinking that those were my final moments. It's really easy to mess up though - especially when you are panicked.

Eventually, if you attempt enough, with lethal enough means, with no chance of anyone finding you, you will die and your survival instinct will not save you. The more determined and willing to put up with fear the more likely you are to succeed, so if you're a baby like me that means you have to just keep trying until you get it right. Build your resilience to the fear - and increase your chances.

I love this

 

[gambardella]

Personally, I am prone to impulsive CTB.

I keep reading over and over Stan's goodbye post and this line
20gm of SN in 50ml of water (making a few glasses - will drink them till the job is done - no coming back, no failure)
When you get to that point, you know.

How do you deal with impulsive ctb? I think I'm prone to that as well.

 

[Jean4]

How do you deal with impulsive ctb? I think I'm prone to that as well.

I just had an attack. I wrote a friend on the forum and remembered my promise to Stan that it wasn't my time.

My suggestion. Take a few deep breaths. Then come here. If you have friends, pm them. If not, I am always here. Or post. It does work. Because we understand. I know what it is like to have that little voice in your head saying over and over I want to die.

 

[lonelywhale]

I won't really because it's more impulsive for me. But all my previous attempts have been preceding overly stressful situations that I wanted to avoid. I still feel like there's no way my life will be worth living until old age so I hope I eventually succeed. It's only a matter of time, one way or another. I'd rather not suffer for decades, though.

 

[awfullife]

I think when there is absolutely no hope, no opportunity, no chance at a normal life, no possible way out, then you have to look critically at the situation. Am I missing something? Is there a possibility here to make life work? If not, then it's CTB time and that's my story I'm stickin to it. It's harder for me as I have two young kids and a dad that helps me alot. It fucking sucks knowing how it will effect them but life is a bitch.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm planning ahead so I'll have everything all set when I do ctb. But what I've noticed is I tend to be impulsive when I do have the urges to ctb. I always have to hold myself back because I told myself I'd wait until the holidays are over... It just takes one little thing to set me off due to how unstable I am. It's just so much easier to die than face the pain and suffering. Especially when you're so tired already. We've all been beaten to the ground, there's nothing left.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'd like to know this as well. I'm trapped in a world of shit with no way out yet I still do not want to die. How does that even make sense???

 

[Jean4]

Wh

I'd like to know this as well. I'm trapped in a world of shit with no way out yet I still do not want to die. How does that even make sense???

When it is time, the pain is so great that not even love matters.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Wh

When it is time, the pain is so great that not even love matters.

I'm there. I have a supporting family and even that isn't enough to make me want to live with this. I think it's that I feel forced to ctb rather than wanting to.

 

[Jean4]

I'm there. I have a supporting family and even that isn't enough to make me want to live with this. I think it's that I feel forced to ctb rather than wanting to.

Then that answers you question. Why do you feel forced?

 

[Wayfaerer]

Then that answers you question. Why do you feel forced?

For several reasons, but primarily because I'd have to make big life-style adjustments in order to continue to live and I'm just sick and tired of being constantly bombarded with disappointment after disappointment. I'm way too young for all of this bullcrap.