Venting How do you kill a 300lb guy? And is it easier to accomplish in US or NZ?

[schrei_nach_liebe]

I'm so fed up. Treatment impervious bipolar 1 overwhelmingly stuck in deep deep depression and suicidality, and when I go manic my mania is the DSM4 termed dypshoric mania. I turn into Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator, except the one to kill is myself. And I'm not even slightly manic right now. I've lost everything. I owe taxes. Had my dream job I spent 100k USD on and so much blood sweat and tears, lost it to a psych ward visit 5 months into it.

I could easily be in NZ if I had a reason to be, and I could stay forever unless the US extradites me for a poor people amount of owed taxes. Or I could in the states. I feel like maybe there's some reason I should book a ticket, maybe there's something down there that could either make me want to live or make me more able to CTB.

I've really had enough of the US. It's chewed me up and spit me out many times. Society becomes more of a cunt every day. But on the flip side, people in NZ aren't the greatest either. Last time I tried moving back there I got heavily discriminated against because of my American education viewed as beneath them and my American accent. The only people who believed me that I was a kiwi were the random former primary school classmates I would run into or my family.