How do you get yourself ready?

[coma-baby]

I am at what feels like the end. At this point, I live my days just waiting to die. I want the strength to take the chance and CTB. I don't know if this is a survival instinct thing or if this is from my depression's catatonic-influence, but when I talk myself into being ready, my body freezes up. It does this when I try to do other stuff too. Harmless stuff. Like going out to see a friend or going to wash the dishes. I just freeze and I stay parked wherever I am.
I'm ready to go. I really am. But I'm still hesitant. I know my situation isn't going to get better unless I get better super fast. And that's not going to happen (I know myself really well).
I have my method picked out. I know what times of day and days of the week would be the best for me to attempt so I'm not interrupted. I have everything I need.
Maybe it's because I'm not sure where to do it? (I'm planning a partial hanging and have tested my materials.) Maybe it's because I don't want my body to be found by my fiance? Maybe it's because I know my kitten would miss me and the thought of that makes me sadder than I can describe. But everything in my life right now is so temporary and it's all slipping through my fingers and - as they have for the past 17 years - things keep getting worse. There's no point in keeping on. I just need an extra push to get myself to act.

Any and all thoughts are appreciated. I'm unsure how many people I will reply to because my brain aches and typing to people makes it buzz louder. But please know that I appreciate any advice y'all can give about how I can finally take the step to finally CTB.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

SI is a terrible curse sometimes. I hope you find the answer that is right for you.

 

[trynacbt]

Part of what I'm doing is putting a lot of different pieces into my plan. First there's obtaining all the materials, but then there's also leaving letters, making the playlist I'm going to listen to as I go, scheduling messages that will go out after I'm gone, etc. For me, having to go through each of these motions allows me to say 'yes' to my decision every time.
For you, since you have everything ready, maybe reflecting on how hard you've worked to get here. And reminding yourself of each of the reasons why you want to ctb.

 

[GreyClouds]

I too over-think everything and have a cat who loves me dearly, I mostly think of him because Ive never met such a sweet animal in my life and know he would miss me.... and the idiots I live with are in capable of taking care of him..

All I could suggest is truly focus on what would make you feel at peace entirely ... sorry I'm not much of a help

 

[woxihuanni]

I have no useful advice, just that you are not alone in the battle. SI is a fucking bitch.

 

[Jean4]

I too over-think everything and have a cat who loves me dearly, I mostly think of him because Ive never met such a sweet animal in my life and know he would miss me.... and the idiots I live with are in capable of taking care of him..

All I could suggest is truly focus on what would make you feel at peace entirely ... sorry I'm not much of a help

I relate. I had a failed attempt. While locked up in the psych ward, all I thought about was my cat.
The only thing keeping me here is my cat. He would be PTS if I leave.
He is my only reason for living. Just because I want to die, it isn't right to do it to my little boy who is so loving and happy.