How do you feel hiding your suicidality?

[noname223]

When I was young I hid my suicidality for 3 years. When I hit rock bottom I was so suicidal I could not hide it anymore. I talked about it 24/7. To professionals, family and friends. With my friends we have become way closer since then. I could not imagine hiding it anymore. It would be really difficult. I always feel sorry for other people when they say they hide it from everyone. I hide it often when I talk to professionals or sometimes with my family. Bu my friends know everything.
I often express my desperation towards them. Tjey oten cannot do anything but listen. Still it helps.
With my therapists it causes sometimes problems that I hide it. However it would probably cause some problems if I talked openly.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I'm trying to recover. But I mostly hid my thoughts because I didn't want to have people worrying about me or worst, lock me in a psych ward.

It's really painful to hide our true feelings, but for me, everyone who knew I was depressed left me. I lost a few friends due to being pessimistic.
So, I just fake it. Put on a mask and at least I can enjoy some time with friends, even though I'm not being entirely myself.

 

[suicidesheep31]

I don't hide it but think I should start to.
I tell everything but they don't care.
They don't do anything. They just say that's my own responsibility, my choice.
If I want to prevent it, I should be able to take the actions myself.

edit: I was referring to my therapists above. I hide it as much as I can for my family, 'friends' and colleagues.
They would not be able to handle it and would be scared.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm the type of person who keeps things to myself in general really. I have to hide it or I would be constantly watched by others who would do everything to try to save me. The way I see it for me there is no point telling others as they cannot do anything to help.

 

[TheUnkn0wn]

I've always kept quiet about it then opened up to family, my ex at the time, friends and my biggest mistake, some co workers.

As a result of this, my family doesn't quite understand, a lot of my friends stepped away from me, and my job is now on the line.

for me it was damaging to hold the emotions in, but also damaging to talk about those emotions beyond a psychologist.

 

[Sebuet]

I only hide it from medical 'professionals' BC they're gonna throw me in some clinic.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I tell me mom of it. She doesnt seem to take it seriously. I wanted to warn her because I dont want her to get shocked but she is free to think of it what she will.

 

[BottomlessPit]

I never told a single soul in this world about my suicidality, with the obvious exception of SS. I am a very private person, and the thought of sharing these ideas and feelings with others makes me recoil. It would be one of the most devastating things if someone irl found out about it, and I am endlessly glad that no one knows.

 

[Seiko]

Being fourteen and immensely naive, I told my doctor, without knowledge of the consequences. They gave me the option of voluntarily admitting myself to a psych ward, without knowledge of the consequences. I spent the worst week of my life in a psych ward as they refused to release me. I couldn't even have coffee!

Half a decade later. and the only people that now know are here. I am very happy to keep it that way.

 

[Simba]

I don't quite hide it yet i don't really much talk about it eitherway ,i tell my mammy that i don't feel well mentally n she's like "what ,you want to kill yourself ?" ,I tried talking bout life and death before in WhatsApp groups for people with disabilities an was told to respect everyone else n not to talk bout it in group that i got friends in PM (yeah right ) then got removed. Other WhatsApp group was for people with ASD and not many understood ,if anything there was favouring there or whatever .. someone would say how they're sad n like everyone's like oh let's cheer them up n so on.. me ? There was one time there a conversation about eutanesia ,someone with ASD i think she lived in Holland but speaks Hebrew.. so she was talking bout it so i joined the conversation ,great ,no ? wrong ,was told it's not appropriate and a subject that is a bit scary for some people ... SCARY !?? Like ,are you kidding me ?? And i thought people with autism would understand better , apparently not ,also was threatend by the main admin who made group that she'd call the police on me if i don't stop and to let others continue to have fun in group.. that was after i got upset n decided to send group really graphic pictures of stuff.. worst mistake ever ,for over half a year 1 girl that also usetoo be in my school spread stuff bout me ,false accusations and what not ,and basically told whole group or some member bout me n my suicidal thoughts and that I'm very extreme etc ,saying that i tried to sexually harass her by asking for pictures of her boobs ,like I'd ever ask for that.. in the end she told the autism WhatsApp group that to everyone if anyone had or has screenshots of me saying whatever X Y Z then to send to her and she'll keep it all in a app called Google Keep and then go to the police station and file a complaint against me.. after awhile she said that the cops probably won't do anything cause of my mental state n so on .. saying to everyone in group that im not poor n whatever that im not like pitty n so on.. to this day i got no apology even tho i regretted what i did and apologized on my part ,they didn't apologize for their part take on the half a year thing ,shunning me ,but it's whatever ,good that you are able to talk openly bout your feelings OP

EDIT: I actually have more to say but my post to you would be way to long then

 

[loopylou]

I don't hide it

 

[Antigonish]

Quite normal. Since I don't hide it. I just don't advertise it or talk about it (that's a lie). I literally made a couple songs about my chosen method. In all the books/stories I'm writing either the main character or support dies of suicide, graphically. I even joke about it (if you call a cold serious face with no smile or laughter jokingly). Told my aunt and brother I was gonna jump off a bridge when I turned 28. And if anyone asked tell them I wanted to fly. My family pointed out the scars on my arms and legs and stomach that they caught glimpses of and were like 'what's that'. I told them they were me and my experiences. No matter how much they fade they'd never go away. Just like me wanting to CTB.

 

[virtually_anybody]

Ive told one person. On a whim. The pressure was too much at that time. (They took it quite well) And another person indirectly. (Them not so well)

Everyone else I have been hinting at it. The more I open up to others (Friends and family)

Ive been asked. Especially not too long ago when the depression was really bad. I dont directly say anything. Just state my stance on death.

People know, just not how soon I will be out of here.

 

[insanedoomer]

i wont show 1% of it from a while of moment of time till now and more of it till i ctb , i know we are hypocrites by nature but i tried to sculpte that horrible reality of us human , but i shoud be that id to hide my suicidality .

 

[Diesel_Punk]

I'm not really hiding. If someone would ask me I would probably tell them the truth. No one has asked yet though...

 

[littlelungs]

I never really thought about it until now, but I'm actually pretty strategic when it comes to how I deal with my suicidality in terms of how I express myself, a lot of which isn't really something I do consciously.

I think it's generally just an open secret among those who know me, aside from my husband, who's passionate about the right to die and all that stuff, and thus I can actually talk about it with him. Just based on my history, I'm pretty sure that my dad knows deep down that I'm chronically suicidal, but also at the same time I don't think he thinks that I'll actually do it. With my mom, I talk to her pretty openly about my physical/mental struggles and every now and then I send her light-hearted memes about how I wish I wasn't born and stuff, because she's the same way, but if she ever actually asked me outright if I'm suicidal, I would deny the living hell out of it. This is because a) she already worries about me anyway, no matter what I do or say, and I don't want to make her anxiety worse, and b) I don't want anyone to guilt me into living what has sincerely been a god-awful life from the very beginning, or otherwise try to interfere.

I can talk about my problems all I want, but people will never come close to truly understanding what it's like to have to live with myself (and honestly, lucky them) and I frankly just don't have the energy to constantly defend my decision to die when the time comes, or to reassure people that "I'll be fine" more than I already have to... so I approach the whole thing very carefully. I talk about my struggles as much as I feel I'm able to without actually using "the scary s-word", and will deny being suicidal and reassure people when necessary, just so that they don't get up my ass about it. I don't want to live, and I really don't think that anyone could convince me otherwise, which I don't even want them to do, anyway. It just leads to anxiety on all ends and still won't do anything to change my situation or the eventual outcome, and it's exhausting enough to have to constantly reassure people as it is.

So all-in-all, I guess I'm pretty neutral about needing to hide my suicidality. I've done it for so long, anyway, so I'm just used to it by this point. I do, however, think it's unfortunate that we "have" to hide it, though, just so that we don't end up involuntary hospitalized, have to hear a bunch of empty platitudes or otherwise be the focus of a bunch of virtue signaling, and/or be constantly guilted for feeling the way that we do, etc.

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

No regrets hiding it. Don't want to get dragged off to a psych ward and forced to pay for the involuntary stay.

 

[Dear Agony]

I think people know I am suicidal but have no idea how serious I am about it. Like literally no idea, they probably think it's a thought that's crossed my mind a few times because of my mental illnesses. When in reality I've known my cause of death would be suicide since I was 12 lol.
I feel pretty relieved they don't know. Relieved that they have no proof I'm suicidal. I don't want to be in some mental institution for the rest of my life, drugged out of my mind. I've tried that alternative and it only made things so much worse. I've tried everything people around me had to offer. It was just not enough. I know there's nothing they can do or say that could save me, if I were to tell them my real intentions at this point.

 

[fly away]

I don't hide it

I don't either. I can't. Can't even get out of bed. Everyone knows it's just a matter of time and I'm sure some of them are looking forward to it. And it's ok. I feel the same way.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I don't know what's harder keeping it a secret or having to express my reality

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've been open about it with others. After my first attempt, people freaked out and were constantly watching over me. So now I try to hide it so they'll leave me alone and I can get on with the job when I'm ready.

 

[zenn7]

When I was young I hid my suicidality for 3 years. When I hit rock bottom I was so suicidal I could not hide it anymore. I talked about it 24/7. To professionals, family and friends. With my friends we have become way closer since then. I could not imagine hiding it anymore. It would be really difficult. I always feel sorry for other people when they say they hide it from everyone. I hide it often when I talk to professionals or sometimes with my family. Bu my friends know everything.
I often express my desperation towards them. Tjey oten cannot do anything but listen. Still it helps.
With my therapists it causes sometimes problems that I hide it. However it would probably cause some problems if I talked openly.

I'm very careful. Don't want anyone fuxxing up my plan.

 

[WatermelonMel]

I'd rather hide it than not, anytime it ever gets out, even just a little, it changes what people think forever and it's usually negative.

 

[ClairyFairy]

I accidentally mentioned this place and now the wheels are in motion. I can't make them understand that anything about methods and the sort of housekeeping that comes with suicide I've already documented. Now I just want to be on the same wavelength as other people. They think I'll kill myself immediately because of y'all but it's hard to make them understand it's not like that. I feel so down that my barriers for keeping this stuff to myself are gone.

 

[0utsider]

I have no choice but to hide it. If I talked about it to anyone I'd be put under house arrest or worse, in a ward.

 

[Largeletters]

It's not hard. I'm used to it by now.

 

[heraclitus23]

Pretending is exhausting. I'll reveal it when i CTB.

 

[Freelyffe88]

Around 2 years is ago is when I first came to the conclusion that I wanted to commit suicide. I haven't told anyone I personally know nor would I. I guess I don't like productions or dramatics. I'm pretty sure I'm in my final month.
I don't feel bad for myself… I genuinely feel bad for everyone because this is not a good place. The design of this existence couldn't be any worse. We're lied too, programmed/brainwashed since birth… the odds are stacked against us. The same sinister forces have been controlling/programming/manipulating us at every point in time throughout history, but I digress.

I'm not depressed and my life isn't bad, but to make a long story short, as I gained more wisdom and learned more about the world and what's actually going on, I lost purpose and I don't see the point to anything. I could be blissfully ignorant, so I could have fun, be happy, but for what (I could do it, I just don't want it)? The 2 year delay in the meantime isn't procrastination, I perhaps wanted to see as a long shot, if I could figure out something that would give purpose.… at this point the only thing I could possibly find purpose in, is if I had a skill set or was involved in something where I was able to help people in some way. And I don't mean volunteering at the local food shelter. Something significant, where a person or people have less suffering in their lives because of me. It's not to make myself feel good, I just feel bad bad for people born into this existence and helping someone who is suffering is the only meaningful thing I could think of that would be worth living for. I would love to be the Nembutal fairy, to people who are in agony on their death beds (I could fly in looking like a jackass with a ballerina suit on and a bottle of Nembutal). Overall, I haven't put myself in a good position to be of any special assistance, so I don't know what I could possibly bring to the table. But I don't regret my self centered, truth seeking, soul searching path, it's what's given me understanding and perspective on everything.

The thought of my suicide doesn't make me sad at all. I'm a super disobedient non conformist, so I like the fact that I'm leaving on my own terms. Even if I was an older person who was suffering living in Oregon, I would never ask the states permission to whack myself. I would just whack myself on principle and leave a note that says F you, I own my body or did at least.