Venting how do you deal with the guilt

[fremmiefish]

at the moment i have a friend staying with me. i love him so so so much, and he's genuinely the closest friend i've ever had. i've talked him down from taking his life a few times now, and i know how fragile his mental health can be.

i want to ctb once he leaves. i'm not cut out for this life, i can barely function as a person and it's honestly a wonder how i haven't killed myself already. but i have people who love and care for me and i know my death will devastate them and i just don't know what to do. i can't live like this, but i'm worried that if i kill myself that he'll kill himself too.

it's not just him, i don't think i should be allowed to feel the way i do with how good my life is. i have friends, family, people who love me. i have something i'm good at and enjoy doing. i have things to look forward to. i feel pathetic. the only reason i haven't gone through with it is because i'm afraid of what it'll do to those people i treasure so much.

everyone says suicide isn't selfish, but i feel selfish. i feel like the most selfish person in the world for wanting this. i have everything i could ever need and i want to throw away my perfectly good life. the guilt is so heavy, how do you manage? knowing your death will devastate someone. i don't know what to do with myself

 

[ginko0]

This will sound like a stupid and generic advice, but maybe you should try therapy, talk to your parents (you say they love and care for you). That way you'll see if it's just a chemical imbalance or a true philosophical desire for death.

 

[fremmiefish]

This will sound like a stupid and generic advice, but maybe you should try therapy, talk to your parents (you say they love and care for you). That way you'll see if it's just a chemical imbalance or a true philosophical desire for death.

i've tried therapy. my memory has been getting worse recently though, and i honestly could not tell you if it did much of anything. i refused any medication so maybe that's telling? i don't know.

i don't think it did anything long term, seeing as the suicidal thoughts have never really stopped. i've been suicidal since i was 11 and the thought has always stuck in the back of my head.. i would like to try seeing a therapist again, maybe they could clarify on the chemical imbalance thing, but i'm not sure i have the resources to do so.

 

[Liebestod]

I don't have any lol, I'm just a beast.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can't bring myself to do it to my Dad. Other family and friends now, I've just allowed the relationships to drift. So, I'm hoping I will feel more free to do it once my Dad has passed.