Help How do you deal with the fine line the fine line between recovery and ctb?

[Lotus]

Hello again. I'm in desperately need for help again. Most people here don't know me, but I've been here for almost a year and have found this site very helpful. I was determined to ctb when I first joined, but decided to try to recover in earlier this year right before the pandemic hit. I had some hopeful weeks before everything was shut down, even my therapist's office. Thing went slowly downhill from there. I tried my best to keep up with a full time job during summer at the same time I was having exams. The anxiety hit me first. I was so sure that everything was going to fall apart, and again I was beginning to think about ctb. I got through it, and went on with my studies and part time job, and then depression has been creeping up on me ever since. I have chronic, daily migraines, my sleep quality is terrible and I can't cope being just me. I think about ctb daily, and I know it's going to get worse day by day. I know that I tend to have a black/white way of thinking sometimes, and I right now I feel like it's all or nothing. I need to pass my exams and I need the job for the money and experience, but I don't know how long I'll be able to go on like this. I want to recover, but everything in my life like uni and a job is going so fast that I can't keep up with ot. I try to concentrate, but even that is hard. I'm constantly tired or having migraines, and when I finally do something, I'm filled with so much anxiety for being so far behind that I feel like I'm paralyzed and then I can't do anything. I feel very overwhelmed and I don't know what to do to keep my head above the water.

Could anyone here be so nice to give me some helpful words or advices? Everything I can get is highly appreciated. I feel like a failure. Uni doesn't allow me to do my studies part time, so I have to get through my exams in about two weeks. I feel like I'm not ready at all but that I need to push through it. But how...

 

[timf]

First, you should give yourself credit for what you have already accomplished. It is easy to lose this perspective when thoughts focus more on difficulties.

Studying for exams tends to intensify a focus one's thoughts on a single objective. This focus can cause other thoughts that might add diversity (sort of anchor points to the people around you), to fade. This can artificially magnify the significance of the exams and if you should not do well, it can seem a catastrophe.

When I was in the Army there was a month period that they didn't know what to do with me so I was assigned brigade detail. The civilian equivalent would by casual or day labor. Each day I would show up and be assigned a different task like laying irrigation pipe, picking up trash, installing mess hall equipment, etc. This was an interesting time because I discovered that there could be satisfaction in almost any type of work. It also gave me an understanding that no matter what happened, there was work I could do and enjoy.

I cite the above experience to help illustrate that a focus on a single possible future may lead to unwarranted depression if that future is not fully realized. If one allows hope to be seen only in a single path, one can be vulnerable to excessive disappointment.

I do not know if you have always had migraines, but the stress of seeing only a single future can exacerbate a physical situation. You write well and that is usually a significant indicator for doing well in uni. However, you may wish to experiment with considering other possible future paths and see if that can take away some of the stress. You may also consider giving yourself some time for entertainment such as humor. Consider downloading the old comedy albums of Firesign Theater.

In all you have done well already. You may find that if you can begin see yourself as a three dimensional person capable of many things, it may take some of the pressure off seeing yourself as a two dimensional school achiever with a single track in life.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I wish I could offer you words of advice that might be more helpful than just my support. You are self-aware enough to understand your situation and you seek answers rather than just solutions. That is something to be admired. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find your way.

 

[CozyTime]

I feel like I can relate, while I don't suffer from migraines my sleep quality is and was especially bad during studying. Going several days without sleep entirely or very minimal in front of a busy exam week is a concept not unfamiliar to me.

I get the feeling from the post that you've done this before, in several similar situations and different situations that required the same thing.

In front of each time where I knew hell was about to begin it felt impossible for me and often contemplated ctb due to the added anxiety and dread realizing that the next coming days I'm going to simply stop being human and be forced to act focused on the tasks at hand to a 100% neglecting all other aspects of life.

Maybe you can't relate to what I'm saying entirely but I get the sense that you understand what I mean and after each of those times it took me weeks to recover entirely but I eventually did at all times and through out life in general what I've found out is that when the pressure is on and I feel the most shit is when instincts kick in and I somehow end up surviving it every time not always on a good note but still breathing.

For me I binge ate chocolate, listened to loud ass music 24/7 and shut myself completely in my room because thats what I needed to actually get through the week.

If I'm correct you've been here before, the feelings you're having and the thoughts as well, you have survived it before negative or positive at the end of it all you were still breathing and I know that you did what you had to do during those times to get through it just like I did and I believe in you to a 100% that at the end of this one you'll be alive still.

Its not a comfort, it doesn't make all your problems disappear nor the fact that you're still going to go through it but powering through this like you have all the times before is one of the biggest signs you are trying to recover and that is a huge step and I don't think you give yourself enough credit for that because this is a hell you're going through, I'm willing to bet no other human being in your surroundings would be able to maintain the same level you do on your amount of sleep. So again do what you feel like you have to do to get through this even if nobody arounds you understands.

Sorry if I've read too much into it, got a lot of memories of such weeks or at some points entire months coming back to me when I read your post.

General advice thats worked on me a little bit for just anxiety thoughts atleast, try to catch them when they occur try to stop yourself when you feel them coming onto you and just take that thought and think on it, is the situation really as fucked as your mind is telling you?
Go over the facts and most importantly accept the fact that you're feeling that way. It fucking sucks and I hope you'll never have to again but we both know the thoughts are gonna occur again and recovery or not on some level to be able to deal with them one has to accept they are there and will likely be at a future point.

I hope my post has been of some help but either way I hope you come out on the other end of this thing alive.

 

[Silver]

Does your university know how much you're struggling? They might be able to offer concessions, or maybe you could access their counselling services for advice on how to manage your stress or your workload. Is it possible you could drop the job? I remember from a previous post that the behaviour of a co-worker was upsetting you.

 

[Lotus]

First, you should give yourself credit for what you have already accomplished. It is easy to lose this perspective when thoughts focus more on difficulties.

Studying for exams tends to intensify a focus one's thoughts on a single objective. This focus can cause other thoughts that might add diversity (sort of anchor points to the people around you), to fade. This can artificially magnify the significance of the exams and if you should not do well, it can seem a catastrophe.

When I was in the Army there was a month period that they didn't know what to do with me so I was assigned brigade detail. The civilian equivalent would by casual or day labor. Each day I would show up and be assigned a different task like laying irrigation pipe, picking up trash, installing mess hall equipment, etc. This was an interesting time because I discovered that there could be satisfaction in almost any type of work. It also gave me an understanding that no matter what happened, there was work I could do and enjoy.

I cite the above experience to help illustrate that a focus on a single possible future may lead to unwarranted depression if that future is not fully realized. If one allows hope to be seen only in a single path, one can be vulnerable to excessive disappointment.

I do not know if you have always had migraines, but the stress of seeing only a single future can exacerbate a physical situation. You write well and that is usually a significant indicator for doing well in uni. However, you may wish to experiment with considering other possible future paths and see if that can take away some of the stress. You may also consider giving yourself some time for entertainment such as humor. Consider downloading the old comedy albums of Firesign Theater.

In all you have done well already. You may find that if you can begin see yourself as a three dimensional person capable of many things, it may take some of the pressure off seeing yourself as a two dimensional school achiever with a single track in life.

Thanks for reading and giving me another point of view. Yes, the migraines has gotten worse after the stress in uni increased and when depression hit. I've always struggled with anxiety, but it's worse now. I feel like I just need to be done with this education so that I at least got something, and when I'm done I'll hopefully feel more free. If I would quit, I don't know where to go from then. I'm afraid my suicidal ideation would increase. At least now I have something, even though it's a major trigger.

I wish I could offer you words of advice that might be more helpful than just my support. You are self-aware enough to understand your situation and you seek answers rather than just solutions. That is something to be admired. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find your way.

Thanks for your support. I really appreciate it. Thanks for your kindness. I feel I can be more open and vulnerable in this community.

I feel like I can relate, while I don't suffer from migraines my sleep quality is and was especially bad during studying. Going several days without sleep entirely or very minimal in front of a busy exam week is a concept not unfamiliar to me.

I get the feeling from the post that you've done this before, in several similar situations and different situations that required the same thing.

In front of each time where I knew hell was about to begin it felt impossible for me and often contemplated ctb due to the added anxiety and dread realizing that the next coming days I'm going to simply stop being human and be forced to act focused on the tasks at hand to a 100% neglecting all other aspects of life.

Maybe you can't relate to what I'm saying entirely but I get the sense that you understand what I mean and after each of those times it took me weeks to recover entirely but I eventually did at all times and through out life in general what I've found out is that when the pressure is on and I feel the most shit is when instincts kick in and I somehow end up surviving it every time not always on a good note but still breathing.

For me I binge ate chocolate, listened to loud ass music 24/7 and shut myself completely in my room because thats what I needed to actually get through the week.

If I'm correct you've been here before, the feelings you're having and the thoughts as well, you have survived it before negative or positive at the end of it all you were still breathing and I know that you did what you had to do during those times to get through it just like I did and I believe in you to a 100% that at the end of this one you'll be alive still.

Its not a comfort, it doesn't make all your problems disappear nor the fact that you're still going to go through it but powering through this like you have all the times before is one of the biggest signs you are trying to recover and that is a huge step and I don't think you give yourself enough credit for that because this is a hell you're going through, I'm willing to bet no other human being in your surroundings would be able to maintain the same level you do on your amount of sleep. So again do what you feel like you have to do to get through this even if nobody arounds you understands.

Sorry if I've read too much into it, got a lot of memories of such weeks or at some points entire months coming back to me when I read your post.

General advice thats worked on me a little bit for just anxiety thoughts atleast, try to catch them when they occur try to stop yourself when you feel them coming onto you and just take that thought and think on it, is the situation really as fucked as your mind is telling you?
Go over the facts and most importantly accept the fact that you're feeling that way. It fucking sucks and I hope you'll never have to again but we both know the thoughts are gonna occur again and recovery or not on some level to be able to deal with them one has to accept they are there and will likely be at a future point.

I hope my post has been of some help but either way I hope you come out on the other end of this thing alive.

Yes, you've got a lot of it right. Thank you for seeing my anxiety for what it is, and to take it for what it is. Thanks for reminding me. It's hard to hold on to when the pressure is so high. Thanks for sharing your experience and understanding where I'm coming from.

Does your university know how much you're struggling? They might be able to offer concessions, or maybe you could access their counselling services for advice on how to manage your stress or your workload. Is it possible you could drop the job? I remember from a previous post that the behaviour of a co-worker was upsetting you.

Unfortunately, they can't (or won't?) do much. They're very difficult in that matter. Thanks for remembering my earlier post. Yes, and somehow I've always been working with her since that happened. She's dragging me down, but is able to say kind stuff when other coworkers are around. But I feel like I need the job, and that's when I feel like everything starts to fall apart right in front of me. I'm proud of myself that I was able to take the work situation somewhat professionally, but I will definately work less at the same time I'm studying. Work just put me up for three shifts right before my exams without even asking me, so I was a little upset and stressed out because of that.


Sorry for short and a little all-over-the-place answers to all the long and nice replies I've got. I've got a migraine attack that's hard to get rid of, so just stopping by. But I appreciate everyone that's been reading and writing to me. You guys are always able to give me a little confidence boost and bring things to perspective when I'm struggling the most.

 

[Donk]

may I suggest couple of books which might help with dealing with anxiety:

Don't sweat the small stuff - Richard Carlson

The subtle art of not giving a fuck - Mark Manson

Hope you find the above self help books useful. Good Luck Lotus!

 

[Lotus]

may I suggest couple of books which might help with dealing with anxiety:

Don't sweat the small stuff - Richard Carlson

The subtle art of not giving a fuck - Mark Manson

Hope you find the above self help books to be useful. Good Luck Lotus!

Thank you for your suggestions! I will check them out. I already like the titles.

 

[AutoTap]

I do it by going with the flow

 

[VivaldiBR]

Im trying to live day by day.

Last week i did 7 days without ctb thoughts.