I feel really jealous when I hear other people's stories about success or anything. It is kinda petty and pathetic, it's like "why can they have it, but not me ?" That makes me feel anxious when i encounter new people and hear their stories, their wins, is like seeing a window of something i want but i cant have and makes me feel really sad, even have a physical pain in my chest.
And also and kinda paradoxical, I've realized how hard is for me to deal with myself, just myself in my alone time, i always feel i need to have something, like texting someone, or being on a call, or having background noise like a podcast, if i stay still with only myself and my thoughts i start to get really anxious (im planning to start to get medication next year).
I tend to not value my alone time, ex : im doing something and someone invites me to do something else, i stop what i do, even if it is important to stay with that person, is like i dont value myself enough to feel what im doing with myself is worth it.
Thats being a really big problem for me, cause i know i cant count on people to be with me and make me feel better all time, also and i really, REALLY want to stop feeling like that, the enviness,so i can have some kinda of enjoyment on life, and be able to be near people and their victories and feel ok.
And also and kinda paradoxical, I've realized how hard is for me to deal with myself, just myself in my alone time, i always feel i need to have something, like texting someone, or being on a call, or having background noise like a podcast, if i stay still with only myself and my thoughts i start to get really anxious (im planning to start to get medication next year).
I tend to not value my alone time, ex : im doing something and someone invites me to do something else, i stop what i do, even if it is important to stay with that person, is like i dont value myself enough to feel what im doing with myself is worth it.
Thats being a really big problem for me, cause i know i cant count on people to be with me and make me feel better all time, also and i really, REALLY want to stop feeling like that, the enviness,so i can have some kinda of enjoyment on life, and be able to be near people and their victories and feel ok.
. But seriously, same. I relate to this deeply. I can't be left alone with my thoughts, they eat me from inside out. I hate, hate, HATE this piece of shit stupid loser motherfucker I have to live as EVERY SINGLE DAY. FUCK. I don't want to ever have to think about that, so all I do is distract myself with meaningless noise just to keep not confronting it. And one day I'll be rid of this piece of shit loser motherfucker, and I'll be free. But until then, I'll keep filling my head with whatever gets me distracted the most, keep existing I guess. For what? I have no fucking clue.
