Rejection used to be my biggest fear, and this was mostly during my high school years, and the early years of my adult life, and one day, after my last rejection, that's when I didnt care anymore, the emotion of love that I used to have, I murdered it out of my soul, and I vowed to never seek a relationship ever again. I barely found out that I have BPD, so during this time I didnt know thats what I had or that the term even existed. So after I became a person that was unable to love, I still would get attached to people, feeling like I was falling for them, and I tried to stay away, and I just couldn't, so when I got attached to someone, I would want to like them, and because of my BPD, I would ignore my rule of not telling a person that I like them, it's like my brain puts me on auto pilot. So when I tell the person how I feel about them, I get rejected, and even though I feel like my soul is already broken, at that moment, I feel like it had gotten reconstructed, and then shattered again. I hate that this Disorder does this to me, that's why I try to stay away from women that I know I would fall for. Fast forward to present time, I met someone a few days ago and they became my friend. They are also a person that wants to ctb, and I learned that this person has almost everything in common with me, from our mentsl pain, to some of the things we been through, and to most of the material things we like. When I started talking to this person, I didnt think that I would get attached, being that ctb is all I ever think about these days, but when i discovered that this person is almost a woman version of myself, I got attached. I wanted to bang my head over and over again on a concrete wall until these thoughts left my mind, but obviously, I didnt do such a thing. So I kept on being this person's friend. But then, I ened up telling this person, and this person says that they cant feel the same way because they are still in love with their ex, which I kind of knew that's what they would say to me. And even though I dont want to change this person's mind from ctb, and nor do I want to change my mind either, but I want to try to make this person forget about their ex, and hopefully fall for me, so that we could ctb together as more than just friends. I know when people read this they will say I'm selfish or say, what's the point if you both are just going to ctb soon, and I know that, but even if it's just for a a few days, I want to get back that feeling of loving someone, and I want to be loved as well, and not in the friend kind of love, I already have to many friends that care for me, I do not have someone that is in love with me. So even though I talk this person's ear off about this and they dont seem to want to change their mind, I feel like I want to keep trying, and another reason why I want to make them forget about the love they have for their ex, is so they will not be in mental pain for loving someone who fell out of love with them. But the person told me that, it's not that they want to get back with the ex, its so they dont lose that last shres of love they still have, and I can understand that. But I want to somehow, get that person to fall for me, without losing that little bit of love they have left, I just dont know how when that thought has their mind on a leash, and I dont want to hurt them or have them hate me if I keep pushing. A part of me feels like I should just let this person be, and just ctb right now so I wont be intruding on their lives before they ctb, and also so I dont have to deal with this fucking curse I have called BPD anymore. I just dont know what to do, but in a way if I stay friends with this person before I ctb, I am just going to be feeling the pain of her rejection, and I also dont want her to feel bad because she feels like she is hurting me, I dont hate her for this, I never will, I hate myself for being this way. I hope she doesn't read this, but I have a feeling she will, so if you do read this, I am sorry, I never meant to intrude in your life like this, even if we are going to be dying soon... I feel like this is another fuck you to me from the Universe, for having me meet someone that is the closest thing to a soulmate for me right before I take my own life. Just kick me when I'm already down why dont you. I'm sorry for posting something this personal, i just felt like i needed to get this off my chest when i saw the title to this thread.
