I not sure if I understand perfectly what "abandonment issues" are, but I believe that I have suffered from it. I only realized it recently (last year or so).
During my teen years and early adulthood, because of the stuff with my parents and sister, my reaction was too not get much close to anyone, keep a safe distance from people, to no express myself about certain things (for fear of disapprovement) and to stay at home with them most of the time. I guess that is one of the main reasons I turned out to be such a lonely person.
I have been trying for the past few years to be more open to people and not behave in this way anymore, but other than that, I have no idea of what else could I do.
Interesting. I'm sorry you went through that and adopted that defense mechanism. It's also curious that you didn't realize it until recently, as I did.
I think that yes, it's a way of dealing with that fear. Maybe more of rejection, which is also related to abandonment.
For me it's more the feeling that it's not if, but when people will leave me. I live with that fear on a daily basis. And when people effectively abandon me, it's like I fall into a hole.
I think it has to do with my childhood. I felt abandoned by my parents in some way (there are so many possible situations that I don't even know) as a child, and since even the supposed people who should love me unconditionally did so, it's as if I expected everyone else to do so. So whenever that happens it's like I go back to being a child again. I don't know if this makes sense. I'm still trying to unravel these feelings in my head.
Anyway, have you been able to open up more with people?
Yes, I've always been extremely insecure. I'm always afraid that I'm not living up to others' expectations. I feel like I always need to prove myself to people. Without the validation of others I am nothing. Anything that remotely resembles criticism makes me fall apart. It's frustrating.
I don't know how to properly deal with the way I am. My way of coping has been further isolating myself, and avoiding people altogether. I doubt this is the healthiest solution, if anything this has probably only made my issues worse, but I'm just tired of being reminded of the past.
As I understand you. It's really frustrating that other people's validation has such an impact on our self-esteem and how we see ourselves.
I see. For me it's the constant fear that people will get fed up with me in a certain way and abandon me. And it definitely makes me fall apart too.
I'm just like you. I couldn't take one more disappointment whatsoever. The last one was the last straw for me. So I closed myself off, too. It's definitely not the best solution because it increases my loneliness but at least I'm no longer hurt/disappointed. That's all I can do for now.
Have you ever wondered why you act/feel that way? I've been trying to figure out why I feel this way to try to figure out how to avoid/not feel this way. It's really overwhelming.
I've heard that therapy can help with stuff like this. It helps to have a basic understanding of Attachment Theory. I still find a part of me yearning to connect meaningfully with others, yet failing no matter how many times I try.
I know you're right. I know I really have to engage in therapy. Can you explain me a little bit about that attachment theory?
Oh, yes, that is a difficulty that some people also have. For me it was always more the other way around, that is, I would connect with one person but the other person never seemed to connect. And then it was the constant feeling of rejection and abandonment.
Now, as I neither allow myself to open up to people nor let people in, I've also felt a total disconnect with the world and society.
I mean, it's just horrible events these days. The world is going from bad to worse. I wonder how people can have the will to live in such a awful world and society and still be happy.
I do. It's very difficult for me to get rid of the feeling that everyone I come across dislikes me. I have this thought profoundly fixed in my mind that I am perceived as someone who is too inadequate, weird, unintelligent, and awkward to deserve any sort of attention. On top of that, during the course of my life, I was always abandoned and neglected by the ones who I thought would be by my side (some stances part by my own fault and inability in expressing my feelings and connecting/being around people, I admit). It definitely marked me in a way that now I avoid getting too close with people as I sense that they are constantly negatively judging me and will inevitably go away one day. Unfortunately, I have no tips for dealing with it since this is something I am myself struggling with. Good luck to us all, I guess, lol.
I'm sorry that, like me and you, so many people have to deal with this problem.
I think that the way we see ourselves unfortunately also greatly influences the course of outside events. So it doesn't help either. But I understand that those past experiences have contributed to that.
And I also realize that our defense mechanism is often simply to keep a wall around us.
Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope that we can all, at some point, deal with this in a less disabling way.
It might not be exactly the same but what I experience I think I once heard well described as learning through childhood experiences that love was always conditional to me and so I feel the constant need to be deserving of it. That I need to be doing worthy things and jumping ever greater hoops in order to stay deserving of love, attention, affection, acceptance and so on, meaning that my self is inherently undeserving of these things because these things were not given consistently growing up, always feelings like I have to live up to someone's expectations because I see myself negatively and if that someone doesn't see me that way then they are "wrong" and so I feel the need to go out of my way to keep the person I think they see in me. And even now I feel so very out of place, like belonging nowhere and with no one.
I wish I knew the answer to it though, I truly don't know. The way I try to "deal" with it, is to manage my reactions even if I feel rejected or fear such things, I will often try to push people away passively or actively to protect myself from the pain of rejection and abandoment and while I don't know how to change my feelings because these insecurities feel so deeply ingrained withim me, I try to exert some control and awareness over the ways I act because of these things, it can't always be helped but if nothing else at least it's an attempt to challenge those fears.
Often I will sort of try to anaylze my options, I tend to be oversensitive to words and maybe I feel rejected by someone but I don't quite know what they meant. There's my impulsive option that wants to avoid pain at all costs and protect myself, then there's often the reaction that wants to forget my boundaries and wants to grovel or supress what I feel for the sake of others, which of course doesn't really work either.
Recently I had a situation somewhat in that vein, I had issues with a friend and I had negative feelings stirring up because of them, my two at first sight obvious options were "burning the bridge" cutting contact and the other was to pretend I didn't feel bad and try to be cheerful and repress my feelings. I truly didn't want to do either and it took me a few days of stressing about it but I ended up deciding that I would try to share how I felt (while emphasizing it's my own struggles and not that they were making me feel this way or doing something wrong) so that if they were understanding I felt like it would help me move on from the issue without resentment.
It can be really stressful to keep it but I guess what I am saying is to try to give it a shot to make the choices in a way that we give the other person the benefit of the doubt, without putting ourselves down but without taking the choice away from the other person either. It doesn't feel super helpful in terms of how I feel internally but it seems to be a healthier way to behave in a relationship at least externally.
I wouldn't say better and I feel exactly the same way. Since I didn't have much in my childhood I feel that I started looking for what was missing from an early age in other people. And that resulted in more traumas.
Sometimes when I think about it, it makes me angry because I was an innocent child and because of my shitty parents now I've to be the one to deal with all these traumas from my childhood. It's just not fair.
And yes, I also identify myself in what you say. I get to a point where I live only for that person and I stop living my own life and denial my own wants.
Interestingly enough, what I do is the opposite. I do everything so that the person doesn't leave me and I find it very difficult to accept that. And I obviously drive people further away with those attitudes. It's as if I panic. It's a horrible feeling.
And I agree with what you say about giving people a choice. But in my case I give people too many chances.
I have no idea how to deal with that. It took me a long time to not be constantly scared of abandonment in my last relationship. It was first time in my life when I finally achieved that... for a moment. Then I was suddenly cheated and left. He used to be my partner and best (and the only one) friend. Now I am alone again. I have a feeling that I don't want any relationship anymore because I am too scared and I can't believe that anyone can accept me and not abandon in the end. I feel I am too tired to try again.
I'm so sorry to hear that. It's really sad. The society we live in no longer values anything. It's all superficial, futile, and fleeting. I really don't know how to feel integrated into such a society, especially since I'm not like that at all.
The only advice I can give you is to do the same as me. Take some time for yourself, heal yourself and don't pressure yourself into anything. It's living one day at a time.
I know very little, but I am sure I have abandonment issues and avoidant personality, both from childhood trauma. A terrible combination.
I have never tried therapy for real, but the information I could find for both of these things suggests that the treatment involve mostly "understanding the reasons", "replacing negative thought patterns", "coping mechanisms", also "drug treatment". Most of this sounds all so very shallow.
edit: I mean, lets say I understand the reasons and have changed how I behave around people, I am still alone. There will always gonna be external factors that are beyond our control. Sorry if I am being too negative on the recovery section.
I don't think it looks that shallow. It seems obvious, but often the most obvious things are the right things. And we take it for granted, but it's easier said than done.
I think that if we really understand why we feel a certain way it can help us to change the way we react whenever we go through those situations. I mean, for me it has really been a repetition of situations and reactions because whenever it happens to me I always react the same way, it's almost like automatic and it's horrible. I never want to feel again like I did a couple months ago.
But I agree that there are things that we will always have to deal with, unfortunately. What we can do is learn to deal with them in a better way.
For example, I know that unfortunately I will always deal with loneliness and abandonment issues. Unfortunately I never had family support and that won't change and I realize more and more how much of a difference it makes in a person's life. So I'm always going to lack that.
labs.psychology.illinois.edu
