How do you cope with uncertainty?

[Lotus]

I have just been released from the hospital after being admitted against my will. I have bought everything I need for the SN method. Apparently, this method isn't very common in my contry because the doctor didn't first believe that it was a legit method. After having to explain it (and he had done som proper googling) he started to express his concerns and told about plan to my closest relatives and the psychiatrist I see weekly. Even though it was uncomfortable, I feel a certain relief that they do know about it, and that it won't come as a shock to anyone.

I have been so certain that I will not live by the end of December. However, I am now experiencing uncertainty and I don't know how to handle it. My psychiatrist tells me that I have done well in the last sessions, and that this isn't a good time to make a decision. My family tells me frequently that they're looking forward to see me , but that only makes me feel so bad because I don't look forward to it and I don't know how much longer I will be here.

I just want to end my suffering. This life I'm living isn't truly a life. I know that I will never get approval to commit suicide, but that wasn't even my concern a couple of weeks ago. Why am I ecperiencing uncertainty? It's not like I'm getting any better. I'm getting worse every day. I know it doesn't require much to, for a short time frame, make me want to go through with my plans (hence the involuntary treatment), but this would be a very hasty decision and I'm not sure if this is the way to let go. I have always wanted to decide everything about my suicide thouroghly, but now I don't know if I just should let go when I feel the urge to end my life, or if I should ask for help. At the same time I don't want to be "that patient" who are frequently asking for help due to suicidal behavior.

I wish I was as certain as many of you.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

Hi Lotus, first off, welcome to the forum. Good choice of username. Lotus is sacred to Hindus and Buddhists.

Life ending plans are never easy and your doubts are valid. The answer is in what you wrote. You called it "a very hasty decision". It is never ever a good idea to think of suicide impulsively, more chances of failure and endless regrets will ensue. And there could be more physical pain from half damage to the body. Also, once a person is dead, the person loses the right or ability to choose, so this is one last choice that must be given some time that it deserves.

You also mentioned that you wish to decide everything about your suicide thoroughly, so yes, don't jump into this act. Think about its pros and cons and long-lasting impact on your family members and others who care about you and matter to you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about being "that patient" who is frequently asking for help due to suicidal behavior. You didn't choose to be in this situation. You deserve love, care and professional help and advice. That is why there are doctors, psychiatrists and therapists to assist us in resolving everything that's bothering us.

You mentioned about having close relatives, so I believe you are in good terms with them. It is a blessing to have family members who love us. And it is very thoughtful of you to think of them and include them in your final days if you decide to die.

I do not know your reasons or your background so can't say much. People in this forum are more or less in same boat as you. Spend some time with us, maybe it will help you gain some perspective and insight and hopefully it will help you resolve your feelings.

It is your choice end of the day. We just wish you happiness, not desperation and shame.

 

[Lotus]

Thank you for your warm welcome and insight @ThingWithFeathers.Throughout the day I have been more and more determined that this is the right choice for me. I have set a new date and I am feeling more calm. I did have a session with my psychiatrist today where I shared my thoughts. He can't really convince me to not go through with it, but he did share a personal story from a time of his life where he chose to live. I will have to process the session with him. I think he is considering having me admitted to the hospital again, but I will have to wait and see. I will see him again tomorrow. I think I am at a stage where I'm willing to see if help from others can make me want to change my mind, but if it doesn't, that's ok too.

I am really greatful that this community exists. I now feel like I belong somewhere.

 

[Ark]

I am sorry for what all you have endured. The only way I can answer your question is that for me I only knew it was right for me to CTB when I had no more uncertainty. That was not a short process to get to that point either.

I hope you find the peace you deserve no matter what.

 

[Lotus]

I am sorry for what all you have endured. The only way I can answer your question is that for me I only knew it was right for me to CTB when I had no more uncertainty. That was not a short process to get to that point either.

I hope you find the peace you deserve no matter what.

Thank you for your insight. It means a lot to me!