Help How do you control uncontrollable emotions?

[EntomologicalCat]

I feel like garbage. Today I ruined my dad's day by being a little brat and now I am certain he hates me. I love my dad so much and I hate that I always ruin everything with my mood swings and emotions.

I cried because of something very silly and not cry-worthy, which I know is extremely irrational now but at the moment I was panicking and I have very poor self-soothing abilities so i was crying all morning and sulking and I really didn't wan't to but my emotions were too intense and I felt like I was going to explode and I was doing everything in my power to not scream and yell.

For context, I am think I have Borderline personality disorder, and other family members also think so, so I think that if I do that might be the reason for my extreme reaction.

I've felt really bad about being upset and I tried really hard to avoid talking so that I wouldn't say anything hurtful but my dad is the kind of person to force me to talk and accuse me of being rude if I don't, even if I have nothing nice to say.

I just realized that my dad has gone through so much and that today has been awful for him and it's all my fault. I've been crying all day, I'm still crying, and my mom is very mad at me for acting like a toddler and ruining my dad's day.

I've yet to apologize to him because he will be mad at me if I am sobbing and panicking while I apologize and I don't want to make it all about me, but it's so hard when my emotions are cranked up to a million percent.

I've tried everything to cope when I have episodes like these. I tried excusing myself if I felt myself getting worked up during a conversation, remaining silent so that I wouldn't accidentally lash out at anyone, locking myself in rooms so that I could deal with my feelings without anyone coming in, and yet no matter what everyone is upset at me for doing that and "letting my feelings impact my behavior". Would you rather me trash the room and throw a screaming fit, or leave a conversation abruptly to deal with my feelings by myself quietly, and returning when I'm ready?

A part of me is upset, because as much as I know that this isn't about me and that I am just a mood killer, I am still upset at the fact that the people around me (including my dad) seem to disregard the warning signs and purposely do things to trigger a meltdown, and then leave me in shame knowing that I ruined someone's day or made someone feel miserable.

I've been sobbing and carving into myself, and I feel so stupid that this is the only way I know how to react to this situation at the moment. I feel even worse because now I feel like my dad is going to see my cuts and then either feel really guilty or accuse me of trying to make him feel guilty. I hyperventilated so much I made myself black out for a few moments. I hate being so emotional I wish I could just go downstairs right now and be like "I am so sorry dad" and be rational and mature about it- but I am such a nightmarish mess and I feel like a toddler.

I would kill myself right now if I could because I am almost certain that my dad hates me. My mom is mad at me, and when I asked her if dad hated me she said no but I have a feeling that my dad only loves me because he has a familial obligation, but deep down he hates me and wants me dead. I don't blame him, I am a monster and I deserve to die.

Please someone tell me how I can stop doing this. I don't want to hurt people anymore I don't want to be hated anymore. I just want to be normal and happy and rational. I am so tired of being evil and disgusting and a monster.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel so bad for you. This isn't your fault. It sounds like you tried REALLY hard to prevent this from happening.

I think maybe you need to sit down with your family and have a serious talk. Almost on- how to 'manage' you. It sounds like they accept you may have Borderline Personality Disorder- so- at least they're open to the possibility that there may be something within you that stops you from regulating your emotions and just makes certain situations really hard for you to deal with. You actually seem to have amazing insight into what triggers you and what you need to avoid. I think you need to share that with them. Literally tell them that you're holding yourself back from screaming and breaking stuff!

Definitely say that you don't want to behave like this but you're finding it hard to control and there are things they can do to help. It's plainly obvious how guilty you feel about it. You clearly love your Dad. I'm sure he realises that. It's just you're ALL struggling to deal with this. I'm sure there are things you can all do though to make life calmer for all of you. I don't know. Seems to me like you need a proper diagnosis maybe for one plus- some coping mechanisms you can all agree to try to help cope with this. I hope you can find your way through this as a family. It's clear you love them. I'm sure they love you too. It's just things are hard on all of you.

 

[Jolene79]

You aren't evil or a monster. If your room is your own private space then make it your immediate go to when you feel like you're going to ' meltdown'. Have you thought about the possibility you are Neurodivergent? I sense many believe they have BPD when they are actually Autistic, undiagnosed and suffering alot simply because they are living in a neurotypical world. Please don't be hard on yourself because of your emotions. I'm sure your parents love you from what I sense in your post. Wait until you're totally calm and just say I'm sorry, I love you. That's it. It's not your fault at all bless you. I don't believe for one minute your parents hate you over this.

 

[Worndown]

Have you sern anyone about what you believe is your condition? You cannot try to fix or mitigate the situation unless you know what you are working against.

 

[EntomologicalCat]

Have you sern anyone about what you believe is your condition? You cannot try to fix or mitigate the situation unless you know what you are working against.

I've wanted to see someone for a long time, but my parents refused to let me for religious reasons. They have recently started to reconsider, though.

You aren't evil or a monster. If your room is your own private space then make it your immediate go to when you feel like you're going to ' meltdown'. Have you thought about the possibility you are Neurodivergent? I sense many believe they have BPD when they are actually Autistic, undiagnosed and suffering alot simply because they are living in a neurotypical world. Please don't be hard on yourself because of your emotions. I'm sure your parents love you from what I sense in your post. Wait until you're totally calm and just say I'm sorry, I love you. That's it. It's not your fault at all bless you. I don't believe for one minute your parents hate you over this.

I think that I probably have both borderline and Autism because I exhibit symptoms of both and many of my experiences wouldn't make sense if it was just one or the other. My family agrees that I have borderline but they aren't so sure about autism. I want to see a professional nonetheless

 

[Jolene79]

Just knowing who you are and looking at connecting with other people like you may be a real comfort to you - if you're Autistic.

If you can find the calm and strength to confidently explain that you want to look into this possibility, it may help. I know many parents lose their minds trying to understand their kids and for many when they realise they are Autistic, it actually can help things all make sense. Most importantly, it's going to help you to know what the heck is going on. BPD doesn't have to even come into it. It's so tough being parented, especially if your parents are religious! Many Autistic people I realise see through all the bullshit and spot the flaws in their parents and that is massively triggering for parents in a society where we are told to just be compliant as children. I think getting to understand what is behind all this may be a good step.

 

[acerace]

I hope you feel better soon and figure it out with your family. The situation that happened definitely was not all you so I dont think you should take all the blame on yourself, it always takes two to fight.
I don't know if this will help but I usually think about the consequences and having to deal with everyone's reaction later on.
This is also a super unhealthy coping method but I generally turn any emotion inwards directing it at myself so I end up just hurting myself instead of hurting people around me.

 

[Worndown]

Sometimes religions can be a total pain in the ass! I am glad they are softening their view.