Help How do you be okay with never belonging?

[Flick]

I live alone. Left my family as it was toxic - they hate me for it, though I still have to go back frequently. Essentially, they're just a responsibility, not an actual sense of family/support. They'd suck me dry if I let them.
I don't really many others. I can count on one hand the number of people I've truly let in, and all but 2 are gone(dead or disappeared). Of the 2 left, I feel like I'm losing one of them already.
Long story short, how do I deal with never belonging? I know I'm fairly young and hence have a long way to go to find my way and all.
it's draining to keep this up alone.
How do I deal with this?
Always feeling completely alone
Feeling completely invalid. Wtv I say or think doesn't matter, so why bother?
but then, why bother living at all if even when I scream I remain unheard.

don't know where to look for support, or even someone who at least hears me
That listens

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I don't think I'm okay with not belonging. I self-isolate to protect myself. You are in the right place if you are looking for support. Welcome.

 

[Lotus]

I couldn't cope with it. I had no contact with my family a couple of years ago, but then my life completely fell apart. Then I just had to bite the bullet and reconnect with my closest family (mother and siblings). I would not have been here if I was completely alone. I could barely stand on my feet. But then again, I have no contact with my father because of unforgivable acts in the past, and I'm better off without him. If my whole family had been like that I would not have reached out to my family again. So you do what you feel is right for you. I have almost no social network, and no close friends, so I bet it would be easier to have no family if you have some close friends.

I know what it's like to be completely alone, even though it was only for a couple of years for me. But it was tough, and when my life collapsed and I got severe depression it was unbearable. I don't mean to drag you down by saying this. I just want to share my experience, and I know that the position you're in is hard. I really hope you can get through this and find a network on your own that's not toxic. Sending love and hugs.

 

[Symbiote]

I came to accept that part of me as a person that doesn't quite belong anywhere, but allow myself to have work connections and such. Outside of work, it's a lonely existence that I fill with distractions such as hobbies and gaming. Every once in awhile, I get in with a group of people, I don't talk much but I enjoy riding bikes with them. And that's okay.

I thought why force myself to belong to a group when deep down inside, I don't want to. Why force myself to conform to humanity's way of connecting to people when I know they'll just screw me over in the end? An unnecessary risk that sometimes I foolishly partake knowing the consequences and knowing I can handle it better as time goes on.

 

[timf]

We live in a time when there is a significant social current to have people identify as part of a group. Thsi is difficult for those who find themselves unable to function in a group. Those who are different (such as being fat, having a high (or low) IQ, having an odd personality, or having a different perspective), can create a disconnect and a sense of isolation.

However, as you have already discovered, being alone is not the worst thing that can happen as toxic people can make life miserable. Elizabeth Elliot used to have a ministry to Christian women and said that half her mail came from women who desperately wished to be married and the other half from women who desperately wished they weren't.

Being different, for whatever reason, can be an advantage if one encounters another similarly disconnected. There is a depth of perception and often extra sensitivity from those who have had isolating experiences.

Consider the combat veteran, emergency room nurse, cop, or priest. These may have had exposure to things that make difficulty connecting with groups. However, it may make them able to connected with receptive individuals at a much deeper level.

You mentioned having had a few really close friends. This alone shows you that you can have these relationships. It is just finding those who might be able to reciprocate is made difficult by their scarcity.

There are others on what might be called the "fringe" who would appreciate the depth of your friendship and be able to reciprocate in kind. You have to churn through a lot of people to find them. You might consider penpals as peole tend to drop out quickly if there is not sufficient interest.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'll let you know when I figure it out. I've just come to accept it. Mostly. But sometimes it's tough. I don't think it's just me that is at fault, I think everyone else is a bit odd. I want people I can fit in with, sure, but I don't want to fit in with just anyone.

I'm sorry you feel how you do, it's difficult to find your place if you don't feel you fit in. I've found as I gained in age and confidence that others tended to fit in more around me. But that all went south when my life collapsed and the rules of the game changed.

 

[waived]

I understand my own standards.

 

[Sensei]

My solution is to try to find other people who don't belong either. It's easier said than done, though, because we're a somewhat rare breed.

 

[Ghost2211]

I never belong anywhere either, and once the little ones are grown I would be back to where I was before, isolation. This group is great for having a sense of place and community. It doesn't replace human contact, but it takes away the sense of being completely alone.

 

[Panna]

I want to belong, but the thing with me is the closer that I get to people, the more I feel that they are better than me and I leave on own violition. The only interactions at that point happen if they track me down online. Especially if my friends become friends and it seems theyre more happier with each other than being around me.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

My solution is to try to find other people who don't belong either. It's easier said than done, though, because we're a somewhat rare breed.

So do I. The people that are very dear to me are a bunch of ' misfits'

I don't think I ever felt a great desire to belong. Maybe in my teens for a short time.
Although I do believe young people are more pressured now, then when I was in my teens/ early twenties .

 

[Marchioness]

I live alone. Left my family as it was toxic - they hate me for it, though I still have to go back frequently. Essentially, they're just a responsibility, not an actual sense of family/support. They'd suck me dry if I let them.
I don't really many others. I can count on one hand the number of people I've truly let in, and all but 2 are gone(dead or disappeared). Of the 2 left, I feel like I'm losing one of them already.
Long story short, how do I deal with never belonging? I know I'm fairly young and hence have a long way to go to find my way and all.
it's draining to keep this up alone.
How do I deal with this?
Always feeling completely alone
Feeling completely invalid. Wtv I say or think doesn't matter, so why bother?
but then, why bother living at all if even when I scream I remain unheard.

don't know where to look for support, or even someone who at least hears me
That listens

I bonded with my pets but then when they get old and passed it would hit really hard because of it.

 

[Flick]

I don't mean belong as in to be in a clique or group of people to hang with.
I mean the kind of belong where I know, if really needed, I can fall and know it's okay.
For some it's family, for others it's something else. I won't say I'll never get it, because I know I have a long way to go.
But with everything I'm having to deal with at this moment, I yearn for it more and more everyday. It may not make everything easier, but I'd at least feel safe in knowing there's a net to catch me.
Now it's just fear over pain over exhaustion.
I do try to find people similar to me.
thing is, I do about 16 other things and all. I don't stick around the same people long enough because I can't.
And I know that the person I seem to be isn't exactly going to get the attention of others like me.
It's hard, because it never feels like I'm being me.
just closed off.
trying to pull that down, somehow.
but I do it alone from one side, and
It's lonely
And exhausting
And very lonely here.

I'm starting to think maybe I shouldn't stop looking, and just accept it. Though the thought of it makes me feel even more defeated. It's a general understanding that meaningful connections give life meaning - why the hell live life without it?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I heard Brené Brown talk about fitting in, and that if you don't belong to yourself first, then you don't belong anywhere, and fitting in can mean a loss of self-belonging. I've lived this and find it to be true. But you're not talking about fitting in. As you said, it's about being able to fall and know someone will be there to catch you...or I would take that further and say to at least to comfort you, help you mend, get back up again and be able to move forward again. Someone to be there for the long-haul, in the good and the bad. I've never had that.

I didn't fit in for so long, and in my family, I neither fit in nor belonged. My parents had a marriage with a child, not a family that embraced me as I am. If I was not willing to give up myself, I didn't fit or belong, and eventually was shunned for holding them accountable.

Now I belong to myself, after years of work that have been totally worth the investment of effort, and when I hold onto that, with patience, I end up fitting in my own place in any group, even if not everyone likes me. But no, I have never truly been accepted by anyone as belonging. I've been there for so many to cushion their falls or to help them recover, I always made sure they had a sense of acceptance and belonging with me, I acted in good faith that we were in a mutually accepting and supportive relationship, that we shared our power with one another, that our relationship was a bank where we both made deposits and withdrawals so that neither got fat and wealthy and the other poor and wasted. But when I fell, they didn't stick it out for the long haul, and they didn't return what I filled up in them to fill me up in return when it got too low.

It has been hard.

As a result, and because of how such things motivated me to be resilient, I belong now even more in myself than I ever did before, and it's astounding to begin to experience it at such a deep inner level, even as I am extremely isolated due to external, long-term, unending circumstances beyond my control. I am a social animal, so this inner belonging, while necessary and fulfilling, is not enough. There is no one to help me overcome what I'm experiencing, nor to go through it with me so that we can support each other through it.

I wish I could give you answers to make things better. But I do hear you screaming, and I send my empathy and compassion. I wish I could do more. I wish what I send were enough.

 

[Conker]

i can't speak for you, way i deal with it is in finding solace in the fact that my consciousness is about to dissolve into nothingness.

desires have all but left me and I.

 

[Susannah]

I live alone. Left my family as it was toxic - they hate me for it, though I still have to go back frequently. Essentially, they're just a responsibility, not an actual sense of family/support. They'd suck me dry if I let them.
I don't really many others. I can count on one hand the number of people I've truly let in, and all but 2 are gone(dead or disappeared). Of the 2 left, I feel like I'm losing one of them already.
Long story short, how do I deal with never belonging? I know I'm fairly young and hence have a long way to go to find my way and all.
it's draining to keep this up alone.
How do I deal with this?
Always feeling completely alone
Feeling completely invalid. Wtv I say or think doesn't matter, so why bother?
but then, why bother living at all if even when I scream I remain unheard.

don't know where to look for support, or even someone who at least hears me
That listens

You'll have to accept the facts in your life. Don't feel guilty if you think you've made some bad decisions. We all do. Acceptance is the key to recover/"start fresh". Maybe you don't have to "belong" in a common sense.

 

[Mentalmick]

It's a hard one I want to be around people but my anxiety flares up if I spend to much time with people. There's just no way to win in this life

 

[Intheo]

I don't really believe in belonging. Family is just what we happen to be born into without choice.
I never really had close friends in school and only eventually met some as an adult. The ones I had were the type of leave eventually because they have lives to live, while I was stuck in place.
I never felt like I belonged to any culture or group. I always felt alone.

the only time I finally felt belonging to a community was when I went backpacking. at least to a certain segment of the community. People there were generally open-minded and not judgemental. Some of the warmest people I met were travelers who themselves realize how transitory and ephemeral life can be. But once again, perhaps the reason they can be so kind is that because they are so transitory. In some ways I had the deepest connections with people whom I met only for a few days, but they also left before you got to really know them.