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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,694
Overthinking is one reason why I am still alive.

2018 I stood at the 7th floor of the balcony the ground was cement. I was not close to jumping. But thinking back at it I thought it was better not to jump the risk of surviving is too high. Today I asked chatGPT how likely my death would have been and it replied 90%. Tbh I think one should not trust a fucking AI on such important matters. I read a smaller percentage on wikipedia I think.

I think jumping is no method for me anymore. I think the SI is insane and it is a public suicide and I don't want that.

SN is my method of choice. I don't care how it tastes or that it is poison or the potential discomfort. The likelihood to end up as a vegetable is not as high as in other methods and that is very important for me. So the choice of the method plays a role.

My suicidality became more concrete in the last months. And I realized some things.

I am extremely scared my mom gets a stroke when I die or attempt. But this scenario will remain as long as she lives. It even gets more likely when she is older. Maybe I should wait till the retires. But would the difference be that big?

The scenario of ending up as a vegetable will always be there. If this is my main criterion I will die a natural death. This would mean 50 more years of this living nightmare. I simply cannot and don't want to stomach all of this meaningless suffering.

My new criterion is rather my determination/likelihood whether I can actually go through with it. The last time in October I said goodbye to my friends before I wanted to take the SN. I actually did not think they would call the police because they promised me that. But a part of me wanted that they stop me. I sabotaged myself. I am glad the police came before I took the SN. It helped to hide the whole thing in front of my mom.
I am not sure whether I am more determined when I am in even more pain. More pain less SI seems logical. However, if there is too much pain the planning and hiding could get more difficult for me. It is a difficult calculation. There are many unknown variables. I was also unsure whether I might get scared when almost attempting and I might experience epiphany which turns me pro-life. But it did not happen and I just got more desenstized of death.

I don't want a failed attempt. I cannot risk that. The aftermath if I survive could be catastrophic. The potential damage to me is one thing but the potential damage for my social life and how it affects the health of my family. I want to die if I do it. And not witnessing this shit show unfold.

I still cannot believe my dad told me: "Yes you always talked about suicide but I would have never actually considered you would actually try it." lmfao dad. And you wonder why I don't want to talk with you about my issues?
 
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Valhala

Valhala

Arcanist
Jul 30, 2024
429
1. By choosing the safest methods (N, SN, inert gas)
2. By carefully following the rules of the protocol
 
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yellowjester

yellowjester

On the way out
Jun 2, 2024
426
Is there a single recorded case of someone becoming a vegetable after a failed SN attempt? I know it's possible to get some liver damage if you survive - which isn't even that big of a deal, given the size of this organ - but never heard of anyone who ended up severely disabled. Certainly not in such a way that they were unable to attempt again, but even a minor disability... never heard of. It simply isn't something worth being afraid of if you have good method of choice. I know I'll overcome my SI when I'm ready and I'm glad that it's there to protect me from impulsive attempts.
 
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dontwakemeup

Wizard
Nov 11, 2024
634
I think when someone attempts to ctb they really belive in that moment they will be successful. I never attempted and thought what if this goes wrong, what will I be like. I just attempts and make sure I'm off for a few days so nobody can find me in time to rescue me. If I ever came back as a vegetable I wouldn't care. Just keep the medication coming and let me sleep.
 
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bananaolympus

Experienced
Dec 12, 2024
237
Yeah man i chose jumping still bedridden, my case is kinda different because one of my femurs healed so slow it is already healed my prognosis to walk again is very good having surgery Q1, but my attempt was almost successful i got saved because a paramedic was walking by and an ambulance was right in the corner what are the chances of that happening! i had severe internal blood loss my chances of dying were over 95% said the doc incredible
 
blacksand

blacksand

Experienced
May 2, 2023
277
I get the feeling most people with this fear live in cities and good samaritan's are always nearby. I live in a rural area with places like high seacliffs and remote badlands, beaches and forests accessible after a few hours driving. I could ctb with any method in these locations and not be sighted by another person for at least a few days.
 
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