How do I recover long term? Is a single day even significant?

[Reallyreallyreally]

I'm back. That was quick. My anxiety is through the roof today. I'm dropping my classes and it's only the second week of the semester. I'm fighting a virus and trying really hard not to be in the suicide headspace. I messaged my therapist yesterday that I was thoroughly not there and that I said a temporary goodbye here. I feel frozen today. Every day I don't go to the store to buy exit bag hardware. I feel like it's the only way to get out of this headspace. I also can't do it because I promised my friend I won't go anywhere while she's sick. I don't know how long she'll be sick and that promise feels distant. I just saw her yesterday but it feels like another life I don't live anymore, like the last time I saw her was years ago. I feel like suicide is logical. I don't feel anything about it. It just feels like the logical next step for a stranger on paper, a poorly written fictional character, or a children's choose your own adventure novel. I know logically I'll be glad later that I don't have the stuff. Right now I have the anxiety but I also feel like a robot. I don't feel like I exist. I've been out of work for a while on injury (physical job). If they don't send me back I think I ought to go to inpatient. It's bad in there but I think my meds need adjusting. This headspace isn't normal for me. Suicide shouldn't be a robotic act. It should be done through intention. I forgot and remembered my friend while I was writing this. I'm not right in the head today.

 

[MysticPerception]

While I can't really give any advice on recovery myself I can say that suicide seeming like the logical next step is a very scary thing indeed that I experience daily. If that's not normal for you though that could be bad yeah. Your friend won't be sick forever but I'd say you're doing a great job towards recovery if you're keeping to that promise even though you clearly want to break it. Either way hang in there it's not an easy fight that's for sure but we're here for you.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Turn away from here. Atleast if you truly want help. Do things to progress yourself forward.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I'm back. That was quick. My anxiety is through the roof today. I'm dropping my classes and it's only the second week of the semester. I'm fighting a virus and trying really hard not to be in the suicide headspace. I messaged my therapist yesterday that I was thoroughly not there and that I said a temporary goodbye here. I feel frozen today. Every day I don't go to the store to buy exit bag hardware. I feel like it's the only way to get out of this headspace. I also can't do it because I promised my friend I won't go anywhere while she's sick. I don't know how long she'll be sick and that promise feels distant. I just saw her yesterday but it feels like another life I don't live anymore, like the last time I saw her was years ago. I feel like suicide is logical. I don't feel anything about it. It just feels like the logical next step for a stranger on paper, a poorly written fictional character, or a children's choose your own adventure novel. I know logically I'll be glad later that I don't have the stuff. Right now I have the anxiety but I also feel like a robot. I don't feel like I exist. I've been out of work for a while on injury (physical job). If they don't send me back I think I ought to go to inpatient. It's bad in there but I think my meds need adjusting. This headspace isn't normal for me. Suicide shouldn't be a robotic act. It should be done through intention. I forgot and remembered my friend while I was writing this. I'm not right in the head today.

Turn away from here. Atleast if you truly want help. Do things to progress yourself forward.

I want both. This day will pass. This is the only place I can go that won't get me ejected for working this out.

While I can't really give any advice on recovery myself I can say that suicide seeming like the logical next step is a very scary thing indeed that I experience daily. If that's not normal for you though that could be bad yeah. Your friend won't be sick forever but I'd say you're doing a great job towards recovery if you're keeping to that promise even though you clearly want to break it. Either way hang in there it's not an easy fight that's for sure but we're here for you.

I was a little dissociated when I wrote this. It was the disconnect that wasn't normal. Except it does happen pretty regularly. I just didn't realize it temporarily.
Generally having the means available allows me not to feel so lost and scared, so I ordered SN. I can feel calm having it available. I'll just do what I did last time I had supplies and not have just one thing. This one will be an antiemetic. Last time I didn't have the nitrogen tank. I think it's a happy medium and it really makes life feel more manageable. And thank you for being supportive. I mean it. I'm really happy I found this place.

 

[gentleflower]

I can relate to your post on so many levels.
When I am close to attempting, then I do not feel anything emotionally about it. The only thing which kept me from doing it months ago, was the thought of how it would destroy my parents.
I did feel much more lost and desperate before I have ordered SN. Since I have it and not the antis to go with it, I haven't seriously considered taking it again. But the knowledge that it is waiting safely sealed gives me a sense of security.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I can relate to your post on so many levels.
When I am close to attempting, then I do not feel anything emotionally about it. The only thing which kept me from doing it months ago, was the thought of how it would destroy my parents.
I did feel much more lost and desperate before I have ordered SN. Since I have it and not the antis to go with it, I haven't seriously considered taking it again. But the knowledge that it is waiting safely sealed gives me a sense of security.

I think in a way we're lucky that our emotions can power down for such a thing. We don't need to take anything for that because it happens naturally. If we get truly to that point we can just drink it. I want to read about it further and see if it can be made to work without an antiemetic, like if breathing exercises can be employed to suppress the vomit reflex.

 

[gentleflower]

I think in a way we're lucky that our emotions can power down for such a thing. We don't need to take anything for that because it happens naturally. If we get truly to that point we can just drink it. I want to read about it further and see if it can be made to work without an antiemetic, like if breathing exercises can be employed to suppress the vomit reflex.

I think that theoretically it can work without antiemetics, but the chances to fail are increased a lot. And that's something which I do not want. When I truly want to go, I want it to be as "secure" as possible.
What little advice I can give currently, is really trying to tackle each day on its own. Congratulate yourself if you have gotten through another day. I know that it does not help as much as my therapist wants me to believe, but really just trying to be in the present and only in the present does help at least a little.
I know that being sick really sucks, so I wish you a quick recovery of your viral infection. Missing some classes is not the end of the world. It is more important right now, that you get through each single day.
I also cannot agree with Brick In The Wall. I also take comfort from this site in a way. It is a safe place to express what you feel without the fear of being judged wrongly for it.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I think that theoretically it can work without antiemetics, but the chances to fail are increased a lot. And that's something which I do not want. When I truly want to go, I want it to be as "secure" as possible.
What little advice I can give currently, is really trying to tackle each day on its own. Congratulate yourself if you have gotten through another day. I know that it does not help as much as my therapist wants me to believe, but really just trying to be in the present and only in the present does help at least a little.
I know that being sick really sucks, so I wish you a quick recovery of your viral infection. Missing some classes is not the end of the world. It is more important right now, that you get through each single day.
I also cannot agree with Brick In The Wall. I also take comfort from this site in a way. It is a safe place to express what you feel without the fear of being judged wrongly for it.

Thank you for your take on things. So then my method of being without one component will still provide some obstacle. Just enough to give pause should I be in a particularly impulsive state. This is the reason my therapist doesn't want me collecting supplies. I can see why she would be closer to absolute about that than I like but I think that if I'm missing an important part, although this one isn't actually essential, it still fulfills the purpose of making it that much harder to get it done.

 

[gentleflower]

Missing the antis will definitely make it much harder. I honestly haven't told my therapist that the SN has arrived. She was worried when I told her that I had ordered it. She seemed to keen to have me admitted permanently. So I just stuck with "the package hasn't arrived".
I dont know why, but knowing that the container is with me and I have the "essential" thing which would be poisonous makes me calm when I freak out. When it's extremely bad, I even take it out of its hideout place and look at it, and just looking at it, calms me down again enough to distract myself until the immediate urge passes.

 

[mattwitt]

As long as you have a plan in action then everyday should be significant and a small step forward in achieving your goals whether they be short or long term.

 

[Sensei]

I was a little dissociated when I wrote this. It was the disconnect that wasn't normal. Except it does happen pretty regularly.

May I ask, do you have a dissociative disorder? If so, psychotherapy has a quite good track record.

Generally having the means available allows me not to feel so lost and scared, so I ordered SN. I can feel calm having it available.

Indeed, that can be a great solace.

 

[Bandzbandz]

I'm back. That was quick. My anxiety is through the roof today. I'm dropping my classes and it's only the second week of the semester. I'm fighting a virus and trying really hard not to be in the suicide headspace. I messaged my therapist yesterday that I was thoroughly not there and that I said a temporary goodbye here. I feel frozen today. Every day I don't go to the store to buy exit bag hardware. I feel like it's the only way to get out of this headspace. I also can't do it because I promised my friend I won't go anywhere while she's sick. I don't know how long she'll be sick and that promise feels distant. I just saw her yesterday but it feels like another life I don't live anymore, like the last time I saw her was years ago. I feel like suicide is logical. I don't feel anything about it. It just feels like the logical next step for a stranger on paper, a poorly written fictional character, or a children's choose your own adventure novel. I know logically I'll be glad later that I don't have the stuff. Right now I have the anxiety but I also feel like a robot. I don't feel like I exist. I've been out of work for a while on injury (physical job). If they don't send me back I think I ought to go to inpatient. It's bad in there but I think my meds need adjusting. This headspace isn't normal for me. Suicide shouldn't be a robotic act. It should be done through intention. I forgot and remembered my friend while I was writing this. I'm not right in the head today.

Hi,
Im in my final semester of my fifth and masters year at uni and i dont know how i got through it all tbh. Please message me if you need some support because Ive navigated uni while being suicidal and it was the most gut-wrenching thing ever.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

Hi,
Im in my final semester of my fifth and masters year at uni and i dont know how i got through it all tbh. Please message me if you need some support because Ive navigated uni while being suicidal and it was the most gut-wrenching thing ever.

Thank you. I withdrew online next week but I'm going to try again next semester.

May I ask, do you have a dissociative disorder? If so, psychotherapy has a quite good track record.



Indeed, that can be a great solace.

I'm in therapy. My therapist knows I come here, though she doesn't know where here is or I couldn't post like this.

As long as you have a plan in action then everyday should be significant and a small step forward in achieving your goals whether they be short or long term.

When you look at things that way, definitely. What I meant was whether one day of feeling different is significant to all the days that you don't.