Help How do I recover? It seems impossible

[futileflutters]

I honestly have no drive to recover for myself, however for my partners sake I can't CTB, I love them. I can't really talk to them about it either cause if they want to leave I don't want them to ever feel trapped, and knowing myself I will fuck it all up and they will want to leave eventually.

How do I spend my life in this disgusting body permanently irreparably damaged by the wrong hormones and things that shouldn't be there?
How do I avoid dropping into complete dependence on substance abuse?
How do I find the urge to get out of bed in the morning?
How do I manage to keep a job with my anxiety? My last one I couldn't go 2 hours without an anxiety attack and having to run to the bathroom. I'm never going to be able to support myself like this. I'm fucking pathetic.
How do I actually feel happy and want to wake up instead of just finding my way back to going through the motions?
How do I live with this personality disorder?

I honestly wish I could CTB right now at this exact moment and feel like that makes me a terrible partner for the thought of it. I love them with all my heart, but they deserve so much better than me.
I do want to get better for them, I just don't know how to even begin.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I think the first step is to accept the situation. This is extremely hard, especially if we constantly use technology and partake in various distractions. Once we have accepted the situation we'll feel a sense of complete peace and freedom, it's a temporary state of understanding that we need to constantly fuel in order to not fall back into comparative thinking or self-judgement.

When I managed to do this I was not meditating or doing drugs or anything weird like that, this was 100% psychological. I could accept that I was a failure and a loser without attaching judgement to the label. As soon as I realized that I had already failed, that my life was completely over at 23, that I would never amount to anything compared to peers--then I felt grateful for the first time in my life. I had been given a bunch of free stuff even though I could never pay anyone back for it.

The homeless man will smile when being given a bottle of water, the successful person will frown when not getting a large enough pay raise. The difference lies in if you think you are above or below your life situation. I'll admit that I haven't really been able to get back to that state of peace and gratitude due to me thinking that I could actually amount to something if society wasn't retarded. When I get rid of that delusion I can be at peace once more.

 

[timf]

"Accepting" your situation may be something done a little further down the road. Right now just acknowledging that for whatever reasons, you are at the point you are can be a workable starting point. It is a little like being in a car accident. It may have been your fault or there may have been other factors that combined to produce the event. Regardless of why or even how, the path forward has to be navigated with a view towards what can be done to repair damage (both physical and emotional).

You are at the point where things look the most difficult. For this reason it can be helpful to avoid looking at the "big picture" and focus on the smaller victories you can achieve each day. You can and probably will build a happy life. However, it will probably not be something that you fall into, it may have to be something that you build "brick by brick".

Most people live their entire lives on "automatic pilot". There are some of us that have had experiences that forced us to take manual control of our lives. It is often more difficult, but there can be also some rewards.

One key element is to identify those thoughts others may have and keep them from growing in your own view of things. Rather than imagine how others might view you, you can imagine how you might respond to someone should they give voice to unkind words, "OK, I have made some mistakes, but I am doing the best I can to fix things. If your appraisal is going to be so monumentally unhelpful, please keep it to yourself."

You might also want to call someone in AA. Many they can have experiences trying to rebuild a life that has received a lot of damage. A 12 step framework may not be that useful for you, but the difficulties that must be faced can be similar.

It sounds like you are facing the realities of your situation and while difficult, that is always a good first step.

 

[luten]

you ask about happiness, how can you be happy. I can tell you from a philosophical, and scientific perspective that happiness requires no reason. I see that you have problems with your body, the way you look. I had that problem when I was a teenager, because i did not accept my health problems, you can look at the xrays that i posted a while back (this is what it looks like), and i thought I would been seen like that by society. It turned out that most people could not see it, and I was able to date very attractive women, some much younger than me, some of them I did not even imagine dating in my wildest dreams, and which started to happened around the age of 30, after I resorted to Buddhism. I literally was in a place where I was so desperate, I went to a Buddhist retreats in Thailand 11 times (over a course of 5 years) to study, and learn how to cope with my suffering. One of the first things I was taught by Buddhist monks, was to simply stop thinking, turn off all those voices that is rambling in the background, all they do is they deplete your energy. They also taught that happiness requires absolutely nothing. I was miserable for 30 years of my life, here I sat in-front of a monk, who tells me that happiness requires nothing, and that my physical pain means nothing to him. I wanted to tell him about the life I lived, there were so many things that destroyed me, my agony, but he did not wanted to hear about it, he said it was "irrelevant", aka "dont waste my time with your life story". I spent thousands, and thousands of dollars on all sorts of things to help me get better, and he tells me no, nothing is required. After all my visits to Thailand monasteries, I kept studying how the mind works, and my mind became very quiet. I no longer looked for solutions, I just stopped engaging with thoughts that were no initiated by myself for a good reason. I have a lot of surgical scars, from brain, spine and chest surgeries, which turned out to not be a problem to most people, it was only a problem to me. Remember, you fighting against yourself here, you fight against thoughts, and these thoughts will destroy you if you allow them to. The question comes down to, do you want to live? and are you willing to accept that happiness, what happiness is, is happiness, it is not something else, it is just happiness. Most people need to work to be able to afford their life, I work for this reason, dispite living with my severe health conditions, it is either I work (part-time), or I go live on the streets, or I kill myself. Before I kill myself, i want to lay down physical evidence (on paper) that I did everything i could to support myself in life, I want to know that I did more than humanly possible, I go all the way, pushing, and pushing, one failure after the other, failure does not matter, it means nothing, try again, again, it is a lifestyle, you keep fighting, because you want to be as successful as possible, you want to live. To me it is like a sport, it hurts like hell, but i must win on some level. No you dont have to become Buddhist, or study Buddhism, this is not about religion, you just need to know what you dealing with here, which is your own mind. I hope that you can find peace within. Side note: Catching the bus, thinking about it, reading about it all day, it will not motivate you to keep going. Let it go.

 

[yeahwellso]

you ask about happiness, how can you be happy. I can tell you from a philosophical, and scientific perspective that happiness requires no reason. I see that you have problems with your body, the way you look. I had that problem when I was a teenager, because i did not accept my health problems, you can look at the xrays that i posted a while back (this is what it looks like), and i thought I would been seen like that by society. It turned out that most people could not see it, and I was able to date very attractive women, some much younger than me, some of them I did not even imagine dating in my wildest dreams, and which started to happened around the age of 30, after I resorted to Buddhism. I literally was in a place where I was so desperate, I went to a Buddhist retreats in Thailand 11 times (over a course of 5 years) to study, and learn how to cope with my suffering. One of the first things I was taught by Buddhist monks, was to simply stop thinking, turn off all those voices that is rambling in the background, all they do is they deplete your energy. They also taught that happiness requires absolutely nothing. I was miserable for 30 years of my life, here I sat in-front of a monk, who tells me that happiness requires nothing, and that my physical pain means nothing to him. I wanted to tell him about the life I lived, there were so many things that destroyed me, my agony, but he did not wanted to hear about it, he said it was "irrelevant", aka "dont waste my time with your life story". I spent thousands, and thousands of dollars on all sorts of things to help me get better, and he tells me no, nothing is required. After all my visits to Thailand monasteries, I kept studying how the mind works, and my mind became very quiet. I no longer looked for solutions, I just stopped engaging with thoughts that were no initiated by myself for a good reason. I have a lot of surgical scars, from brain, spine and chest surgeries, which turned out to not be a problem to most people, it was only a problem to me. Remember, you fighting against yourself here, you fight against thoughts, and these thoughts will destroy you if you allow them to. The question comes down to, do you want to live? and are you willing to accept that happiness, what happiness is, is happiness, it is not something else, it is just happiness. Most people need to work to be able to afford their life, I work for this reason, dispite living with my severe health conditions, it is either I work (part-time), or I go live on the streets, or I kill myself. Before I kill myself, i want to lay down physical evidence (on paper) that I did everything i could to support myself in life, I want to know that I did more than humanly possible, I go all the way, pushing, and pushing, one failure after the other, failure does not matter, it means nothing, try again, again, it is a lifestyle, you keep fighting, because you want to be as successful as possible, you want to live. To me it is like a sport, it hurts like hell, but i must win on some level. No you dont have to become Buddhist, or study Buddhism, this is not about religion, you just need to know what you dealing with here, which is your own mind. I hope that you can find peace within. Side note: Catching the bus, thinking about it, reading about it all day, it will not motivate you to keep going. Let it go.

This is unreadable without paragraphs.

 

[DonTellMeToStayAlive]

This is unreadable without paragraphs.

but honestly, it is worth a read

 

[yeahwellso]

but honestly, it is worth a read

I'm not going to take your word for it, and I am not going to read it. I don't trust the judgment of anyone willing to read a clump of text like that.

 

[luten]

I'm not going to take your word for it, and I am not going to read it. I don't trust the judgment of anyone willing to read a clump of text like that.

get
over
yourself.

 

[yeahwellso]

get
over
yourself.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Morbi gravida libero nec velit. Morbi scelerisque luctus velit. Etiam dui sem, fermentum vitae, sagittis id, malesuada in, quam. Proin mattis lacinia justo. Vestibulum facilisis auctor urna. Aliquam in lorem sit amet leo accumsan lacinia. Integer rutrum, orci vestibulum ullamcorper ultricies, lacus quam ultricies odio, vitae placerat pede sem sit amet enim. Phasellus et lorem id felis nonummy placerat. Fusce dui leo, imperdiet in, aliquam sit amet, feugiat eu, orci. Aenean vel massa quis mauris vehicula lacinia. Quisque tincidunt scelerisque libero. Maecenas libero. Etiam dictum tincidunt diam. Donec ipsum massa, ullamcorper in, auctor et, scelerisque sed, est. Suspendisse nisl. Sed convallis magna eu sem. Cras pede libero, dapibus nec, pretium sit amet, tempor quis, urna. Morbi leo mi, nonummy eget, tristique non, rhoncus non, leo. Nullam faucibus mi quis velit. Integer in sapien. Fusce tellus odio, dapibus id, fermentum quis, suscipit id, erat. Fusce aliquam vestibulum ipsum. Aliquam erat volutpat. Pellentesque sapien. Cras elementum. Nulla pulvinar eleifend sem. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Quisque porta. Vivamus porttitor turpis ac leo. Aenean placerat. In vulputate urna eu arcu. Aliquam erat volutpat. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi mattis felis at nunc. Duis viverra diam non justo. In nisl. Nullam sit amet magna in magna gravida vehicula. Mauris tincidunt sem sed arcu. Nunc posuere. Nullam lectus justo, vulputate eget, mollis sed, tempor sed, magna. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Etiam neque. Curabitur ligula sapien, pulvinar a, vestibulum quis, facilisis vel, sapien. Nullam eget nisl. Donec vitae arcu. Aenean placerat. In vulputate urna eu arcu. Aliquam erat volutpat. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi mattis felis at nunc. Duis viverra diam non justo. In nisl. Nullam sit amet magna in magna gravida vehicula. Mauris tincidunt sem sed

 

[luten]

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Morbi gravida libero nec velit. Morbi scelerisque luctus velit. Etiam dui sem, fermentum vitae, sagittis id, malesuada in, quam. Proin mattis lacinia justo. Vestibulum facilisis auctor urna. Aliquam in lorem sit amet leo accumsan lacinia. Integer rutrum, orci vestibulum ullamcorper ultricies, lacus quam ultricies odio, vitae placerat pede sem sit amet enim. Phasellus et lorem id felis nonummy placerat. Fusce dui leo, imperdiet in, aliquam sit amet, feugiat eu, orci. Aenean vel massa quis mauris vehicula lacinia. Quisque tincidunt scelerisque libero. Maecenas libero. Etiam dictum tincidunt diam. Donec ipsum massa, ullamcorper in, auctor et, scelerisque sed, est. Suspendisse nisl. Sed convallis magna eu sem. Cras pede libero, dapibus nec, pretium sit amet, tempor quis, urna. Morbi leo mi, nonummy eget, tristique non, rhoncus non, leo. Nullam faucibus mi quis velit. Integer in sapien. Fusce tellus odio, dapibus id, fermentum quis, suscipit id, erat. Fusce aliquam vestibulum ipsum. Aliquam erat volutpat. Pellentesque sapien. Cras elementum. Nulla pulvinar eleifend sem. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Quisque porta. Vivamus porttitor turpis ac leo. Aenean placerat. In vulputate urna eu arcu. Aliquam erat volutpat. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi mattis felis at nunc. Duis viverra diam non justo. In nisl. Nullam sit amet magna in magna gravida vehicula. Mauris tincidunt sem sed arcu. Nunc posuere. Nullam lectus justo, vulputate eget, mollis sed, tempor sed, magna. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Etiam neque. Curabitur ligula sapien, pulvinar a, vestibulum quis, facilisis vel, sapien. Nullam eget nisl. Donec vitae arcu. Aenean placerat. In vulputate urna eu arcu. Aliquam erat volutpat. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi mattis felis at nunc. Duis viverra diam non justo. In nisl. Nullam sit amet magna in magna gravida vehicula. Mauris tincidunt sem sed

i have reported your post. You spam SS, and stir, you clearly here for the wrong reasons, and not to help anyone. Don't bother to reply, I am also blocking you.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Morbi gravida libero nec velit. Morbi scelerisque luctus velit. Etiam dui sem, fermentum vitae, sagittis id, malesuada in, quam. Proin mattis lacinia justo. Vestibulum facilisis auctor urna. Aliquam in lorem sit amet leo accumsan lacinia. Integer rutrum, orci vestibulum ullamcorper ultricies, lacus quam ultricies odio, vitae placerat pede sem sit amet enim. Phasellus et lorem id felis nonummy placerat. Fusce dui leo, imperdiet in, aliquam sit amet, feugiat eu, orci. Aenean vel massa quis mauris vehicula lacinia. Quisque tincidunt scelerisque libero. Maecenas libero. Etiam dictum tincidunt diam. Donec ipsum massa, ullamcorper in, auctor et, scelerisque sed, est. Suspendisse nisl. Sed convallis magna eu sem. Cras pede libero, dapibus nec, pretium sit amet, tempor quis, urna. Morbi leo mi, nonummy eget, tristique non, rhoncus non, leo. Nullam faucibus mi quis velit. Integer in sapien. Fusce tellus odio, dapibus id, fermentum quis, suscipit id, erat. Fusce aliquam vestibulum ipsum. Aliquam erat volutpat. Pellentesque sapien. Cras elementum. Nulla pulvinar eleifend sem. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Quisque porta. Vivamus porttitor turpis ac leo. Aenean placerat. In vulputate urna eu arcu. Aliquam erat volutpat. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi mattis felis at nunc. Duis viverra diam non justo. In nisl. Nullam sit amet magna in magna gravida vehicula. Mauris tincidunt sem sed arcu. Nunc posuere. Nullam lectus justo, vulputate eget, mollis sed, tempor sed, magna. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Etiam neque. Curabitur ligula sapien, pulvinar a, vestibulum quis, facilisis vel, sapien. Nullam eget nisl. Donec vitae arcu. Aenean placerat. In vulputate urna eu arcu. Aliquam erat volutpat. Suspendisse potenti. Morbi mattis felis at nunc. Duis viverra diam non justo. In nisl. Nullam sit amet magna in magna gravida vehicula. Mauris tincidunt sem sed

Based.

"But I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system, and expound the actual teachings of the great explorer of the truth, the master-builder of human happiness. No one rejects, dislikes, or avoids pleasure itself, because it is pleasure, but because those who do not know how to pursue pleasure rationally encounter consequences that are extremely painful. Nor again is there anyone who loves or pursues or desires to obtain pain of itself, because it is pain, but because occasionally circumstances occur in which toil and pain can procure him some great pleasure. To take a trivial example, which of us ever undertakes laborious physical exercise, except to obtain some advantage from it? But who has any right to find fault with a man who chooses to enjoy a pleasure that has no annoying consequences, or one who avoids a pain that produces no resultant pleasure?"

"On the other hand, we denounce with righteous indignation and dislike men who are so beguiled and demoralized by the charms of pleasure of the moment, so blinded by desire, that they cannot foresee the pain and trouble that are bound to ensue; and equal blame belongs to those who fail in their duty through weakness of will, which is the same as saying through shrinking from toil and pain. These cases are perfectly simple and easy to distinguish. In a free hour, when our power of choice is untrammelled and when nothing prevents our being able to do what we like best, every pleasure is to be welcomed and every pain avoided. But in certain circumstances and owing to the claims of duty or the obligations of business it will frequently occur that pleasures have to be repudiated and annoyances accepted. The wise man therefore always holds in these matters to this principle of selection: he rejects pleasures to secure other greater pleasures, or else he endures pains to avoid worse pains."

 

[luten]

You're the spammer, you retarded asshole.

Cute that you delude yourself that you're "helping" anyone, but your cranial excretions are as useful and interesting as regular ones.

I have reported this one too, calling me names.

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[yeahwellso]

Don't bother to reply, I am also blocking you.

So that was a lie. Get over yourself.

 

[Beachedwhale]

I think the first step is to accept the situation. This is extremely hard, especially if we constantly use technology and partake in various distractions. Once we have accepted the situation we'll feel a sense of complete peace and freedom, it's a temporary state of understanding that we need to constantly fuel in order to not fall back into comparative thinking or self-judgement.

When I managed to do this I was not meditating or doing drugs or anything weird like that, this was 100% psychological. I could accept that I was a failure and a loser without attaching judgement to the label. As soon as I realized that I had already failed, that my life was completely over at 23, that I would never amount to anything compared to peers--then I felt grateful for the first time in my life. I had been given a bunch of free stuff even though I could never pay anyone back for it.

The homeless man will smile when being given a bottle of water, the successful person will frown when not getting a large enough pay raise. The difference lies in if you think you are above or below your life situation. I'll admit that I haven't really been able to get back to that state of peace and gratitude due to me thinking that I could actually amount to something if society wasn't retarded. When I get rid of that delusion I can be at peace once more.

You make a really good point here. The scale of the difference between what my life couldve been had I just made the decision to take the opportunity for happiness that was right in front of me and what my life is now is what is primarily making me consider suicide. The sad thing is that I just didn't believe in myself at the time and didn't have the right information.

I either need to accept that those years of fun and development and healing and success were lost and Ive wasted a decade and regressed so much in every possible way compared to everyone else and compared to my potential or else cease to exist. For various reasons you fell so behind and seeing everyone around you enjoying their lives to the fullest while you are so monumentally behind is the most difficult thing to bear.

You're right that the acceptance needs to be constantly fueled. This is the hard part. How do you do this?

The resistance to accepting it is the resistance to an imagined bleak future that will not attenuate the bleakness of the present, which is magnified the further you fall behind. Not an easy thing to get out of without some deux ex machina. In my case that was another degree but I've missed the deadline for this year.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

You're right that the acceptance needs to be constantly fueled. This is the hard part. How do you do this?

I just remind myself of hard determinism to get rid of comparative thinking (in relation to others or imagined versions of "selves"). We need to have a relatively low level of anxiety before being able to go into acceptance of this sort, so having a good idea of worst case scenarios and how to deal with them is good (if we don't happen to have a good ctb method on stand-by).

A secret tip is to go meta-level if the emotions don't clear up, the emotions are meant to happen and nothing else is possible. This pain we feel right now, it could not be avoided, could and should and would are complete illusions.

 

[Beachedwhale]

I just remind myself of hard determinism to get rid of comparative thinking (in relation to others or imagined versions of "selves"). We need to have a relatively low level of anxiety before being able to go into acceptance of this sort, so having a good idea of worst case scenarios and how to deal with them is good (if we don't happen to have a good ctb method on stand-by).

A secret tip is to go meta-level if the emotions don't clear up, the emotions are meant to happen and nothing else is possible. This pain we feel right now, it could not be avoided, could and should and would are complete illusions.

Hard determinism is appealing, but I just looked it up but got bogged down in the debate between hard determinists and their opponents. I don't understand what mindset you're supposed to have to accord with hard determinism such that your mind is pacified.

I gave up on philosophy a while ago. For a whole decade I tried to get into philosophy and spirituality but it failed me.

I think by imagining the worst case scenario you are referring to the Stoic method? If so I tried Stoicism and things like that and they didn't help. In fact it made things worse because I basically buried my trauma with the excuse that one shouldn't complain, and shouldn't be so beholden to pleasure, which let my issues fester for years when I desperately needed to be aware of them so I could address them and give myself a better life. Now it feels too late.

 

[luten]

So that was a lie. Get over yourself.

So that was a lie. Get over yourself.

thank you SS admins for resolving this matter, much appreciated !