the thing is i do that all the time and yet i just keep hurting them, i say sorry and feel awful and just repeat the behaviour because idfk. i wanna say it feels like im not in control of my own brain but that sounds like im trying to avoid responsibility but like thats the only way i can describe it. and like maybe if i punished myself i'd be less awful but the thing is i don't yknow?
I'm really sorry you're in so much pain with this. It's palpable... I can feel it coming through in your words.
It's OK to attribute problematic behaviours to your illness (this is just the "
why it's happening" of the situation) while also taking responsibility for it (this is the full-on apology including an acknowledgement of the behaviour and offering amends and effort towards doing better going forward).
Have you ever been to therapy for this or had a diagnosis or done your own research that identifies a potential diagnosis? It would help narrow down how to best approach this as far as trying to regain more self-control.
I hate to sound so cliche and I'm not 100% sure I even believe in it myself but- have you ever spoken to a therapist or anyone about it? Clearly, it's something you want to change and you feel terrible about it when it happens but- you can't seem to change it by yourself. I'd hope that a good therapist could work out with you why you behave like it and- how to change it.
^ Professional therapy of course could be an option. I've heard people have some success with ChatGPT. And there are a lot of mental health conditions that have self-guided courses online as far as adopting coping mechanisms and training/conditioning your brain to better handle them (eg. catching itself before an outburst happens).
Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) comes to mind as having potential to help address the behaviours you're describing. DBT goes towards regaining control of your emotions (reducing their intensity, coping mechanisms for handling distress), grounding yourself in the moment (aka meditation or mindfulness, co-existing with your thoughts rather than dwelling on them, experiencing your feelings without judging them), and techniques for maintaining healthier interpersonal relationships (reducing volatility in relationships, ways to handle and cope with conflict).
If this doesn't sound appealing, then perhaps you could look at it as... a punishment...? (I'm kind of hesitant to frame any type of therapy as a punishment, but, I mean, "
whatever it takes...")
For the part of your friends: They know you're ill, and they know this leads to outbursts on occasion. Yes, you are responsible for your own behaviour. However, on the other side of this, your friends are responsible for establishing their own boundaries as far as what behaviour they are able and willing to tolerate or withstand. It's up to them to balance your behaviours with those boundaries and then reconcile with whatever that (im)balance looks like, and then communicate what they need from you (if anything) in moving forward.
Another way you can look at this: What if it was one of your friends exhibiting this behaviour? Would you condemn them and want to cut them out of your life? Or would you have an understanding and try to make allowances for them, even if it's challenging to withstand at times? If they owned up to their behaviour and pledged to try to do better, would you reject them, or would you be more inclined to forgive them and ask how you can help?
Lastly, you tell yourself you're "avoiding responsibility..." I don't know about that. Everything you're telling us here, the need to punish yourself, the guilt coming across in your words to a point where I can literally feel some of your pain... This really isn't reading to me as "avoiding responsibility." It's more like you're saying, "
I am responsible. What can I do about this?" ...which is one of the most responsible things somebody in your position can do.
