Help How do I make it stop???

[BecauseOfMyPurpose]

I've always known I was going to go this route.
For as long as I can remember it's almost been like a premonition. Like I just knew I was going to die by my own hand. Even before I actually decided to CTB.

I've struggled with anxiety and depression since my early teens. Used to be on antidepressants when I was younger but they made it SO much worse so I stopped taking them. As I got older I still struggled but my life up until July was pretty close to perfect so I managed to stay out of the "dark place" most of the time. Then my inability to accept that I might deserve a good life led to self sabotage and a spiral.

Then my husband (who I JUST married earlier this year) asked me for a divorce the first weekend of November. Now he has a new girlfriend and has recently informed me that no one in his life wanted me in it anyway.

Then I lost my father (the person I was closest to) 5 days later. Out of nowhere. I spoke to him 2 hours before and he was fine. Now he's gone.

I moved in with my sister and I feel like my presence is such a burden on her and her family. It is still crippling.

I have no friends because they were all my husbands friends first. I have no one. I go days without anyone trying to contact me.

I went from total bliss to rock bottom in a matter of weeks.

I am thousands of dollars in debt from the wedding because we put all of the loans and credit cards in my name and no way to pay any of it off because I quit my job so we could move to a new city together.

My existence has always been an afterthought for everyone in my life. Never a favorite, never someone people thought twice about.

Now the memories of my old life play in my head like a movie. Like a nightmare I can't wake up from.
I was so happy and now it's gone and I have nothing.

I don't know how Im supposed to live with the regret.
I want to go back and change every time I ever made my husband unhappy.
I want to go back and spend more time with my dad.
I love them both so much my heart aches.

I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe.
I need it to stop. I NEED it to stop.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Now the memories of my old life play in my head like a movie. Like a nightmare I can't wake up from.
I was so happy and now it's gone and I have nothing

I am so sorry and I understand you. That's how I feel everyday. I miss my old life so much and can't improve.,

 

[Fiadh]

Were you really that happy? An ex husband that says something as horrible as that, and leaves you to pay for your wedding by yourself dosen't sound like a good person to me.

You have to ask yourself if those were really the good times or you just created a fantasy in your head so reality would be more bearable. And even if they're that good, what males you think you can't achieve that ever again? You did it once, you can do it one more time.

 

[BecauseOfMyPurpose]

I am so sorry and I understand you. That's how I feel everyday. I miss my old life so much and can't improve.,

It's unbearable. I am in physical pain all the time.

Were you really that happy? An ex husband that says something as horrible as that, and leaves you to pay for your wedding by yourself dosen't sound like a good person to me.

You have to ask yourself if those were really the good times or you just created a fantasy in your head so reality would be more bearable. And even if they're that good, what males you think you can't achieve that ever again? You did it once, you can do it one more time.

I was 100% shocked by this. He has NEVER done anything like this before. He has always been the sweetest and most wonderful person I have ever met.
It wasn't until the spiral that he started pulling away.
How did I let this happen??
Had I been able to keep my crap together everything would still be fine.

 

[purplemoon]

I don't understand some peoples cruelty, I'm so sorry you're going through that. That's tremendously difficult just to even get through each day. It takes a long time to process certain emotions and while I respect whatever decision you make, just know that it would be a matter of letting yourself mourn the loss especially of your father, and then your husband abandoning you like that is understandably so much to deal with especially one after the other.

I hope there is some type of group you could possibly join, even if it's just once a week, maybe something at church or meet up.com or something to that effect possibly. It's not always so easy to make real and genuine friends, but it's possible. Please try to do something to nurture yourself and distract yourself like movies, at the library for example since taxes already pay for it it's free in a sense. Or do something like buy yourself chocolate dessert that you normally wouldn't let yourself have. Anything to help relax your exhausted mind and heart.

I know it's not much but I've had a very bad day myself and that's all I can offer for now.

One day we will all be free from this.