TerminallyBroken
Member
- Jan 26, 2025
- 16
Hey everyone,
I want more than anything to CTB, but I'm stuck. My best friend already knows that I may leave for good soon and she's accepted it. She even considered saving up to get ghost hunting gear so she can talk to me once I cross over. However I told her not to because I was just joking. But still, we've discussed it and she says that whatever I decide, she loves me no matter what and she will be here with me always. There's just one problem though. The problem is that I can still feel almost ok for a quick moment here and there.
I still get little spurts of joy. Like when I'm playing my guitar for my friend and she knows every song. Or I eat a good meal, or maybe I watch a good movie or show. Or even the rare occasion that I actually accomplish something. It's moments like this that make me forget about CTB and almost make it unattractive. But of course, the pain always returns. All I have to do is open social media or the TV. Then there's the future. My DUI case is finally getting settled and I may be able to finally drive again. Part of my constant depression is being stuck at home in a city with a shitty transportation system. (Los Angeles, CA) unless you have a car, getting around in this city might as well be a journey across the country. I would like to able to drive legally one last time.
Then there's my love life. I haven't been with anyone in years and the agony of loneliness drives me crazy. I have met someone who I love deeply but I cannot date her at this time and even if I could, I run the risk of rejection which has almost taken me out several times prior since I last was with someone. I would die for just one last kiss, one last cuddle, one last night of great sex. But that's just a dream. Dating these days is too hard and people are so full of drama in this generation that it's not even worth it. But yet, it is, and I wanna stick around for it sorta.
I know that when I CTB, there IS no coming back. I can't just die for a day or two and come back or die and wait till the world changes a little and come back. It's either get busy living, or get busy dying. I wrote a list of 50 reasons I wanna CTB. But I will miss hearing good music, playing and performing good music for others, eating good food, having good sex, driving my car, and being with my chosen family. But I just feel that these things aren't enough to keep me here and the ratio of 6-50 is quite clear. I wish I had terminal cancer cause then everyone would feel sorry for me and know that I was dying. That way, my death wouldn't be as tragic and shocking or hurtful to anybody. I can be lazy, tired and sad but everyone will accept it because they know I'm sick. Everyone is gonna wanna send me love and be with me as much as possible because they know I'm dying. But that's no way to go.
I guess what I'm really saying is that when it comes down to it, I can change my life and I could if I truly tried. A part of me still wants to try, especially when I'm reminded of the things that still bring me faint joy in this shitty world. But I just can't anymore. I've tried to live up to society's expectations and I can't do it anymore. I've tried to be my own person and accept myself for who I am but I can't do that anymore either. I've tried this med and that med. I've tried this therapist and that therapist. I've tried this treatment and that treatment. Nothing works. I hate myself so much and I'm tired of seeing my stupid ugly face or hearing my stupid manly voice when I wish I was a girl. At some point, I have to know when to call it quits and admit defeat. Some battles just can't be won and I have to know when to surrender. But how? I miss my dad, my uncle, my dog. I want to meet God, if there is one and tell Him "Fuck you" for the life He gave me but at the same time thank Him for bringing me home. So how I do I stop being a pussy and just make peace with CTB?
I want more than anything to CTB, but I'm stuck. My best friend already knows that I may leave for good soon and she's accepted it. She even considered saving up to get ghost hunting gear so she can talk to me once I cross over. However I told her not to because I was just joking. But still, we've discussed it and she says that whatever I decide, she loves me no matter what and she will be here with me always. There's just one problem though. The problem is that I can still feel almost ok for a quick moment here and there.
I still get little spurts of joy. Like when I'm playing my guitar for my friend and she knows every song. Or I eat a good meal, or maybe I watch a good movie or show. Or even the rare occasion that I actually accomplish something. It's moments like this that make me forget about CTB and almost make it unattractive. But of course, the pain always returns. All I have to do is open social media or the TV. Then there's the future. My DUI case is finally getting settled and I may be able to finally drive again. Part of my constant depression is being stuck at home in a city with a shitty transportation system. (Los Angeles, CA) unless you have a car, getting around in this city might as well be a journey across the country. I would like to able to drive legally one last time.
Then there's my love life. I haven't been with anyone in years and the agony of loneliness drives me crazy. I have met someone who I love deeply but I cannot date her at this time and even if I could, I run the risk of rejection which has almost taken me out several times prior since I last was with someone. I would die for just one last kiss, one last cuddle, one last night of great sex. But that's just a dream. Dating these days is too hard and people are so full of drama in this generation that it's not even worth it. But yet, it is, and I wanna stick around for it sorta.
I know that when I CTB, there IS no coming back. I can't just die for a day or two and come back or die and wait till the world changes a little and come back. It's either get busy living, or get busy dying. I wrote a list of 50 reasons I wanna CTB. But I will miss hearing good music, playing and performing good music for others, eating good food, having good sex, driving my car, and being with my chosen family. But I just feel that these things aren't enough to keep me here and the ratio of 6-50 is quite clear. I wish I had terminal cancer cause then everyone would feel sorry for me and know that I was dying. That way, my death wouldn't be as tragic and shocking or hurtful to anybody. I can be lazy, tired and sad but everyone will accept it because they know I'm sick. Everyone is gonna wanna send me love and be with me as much as possible because they know I'm dying. But that's no way to go.
I guess what I'm really saying is that when it comes down to it, I can change my life and I could if I truly tried. A part of me still wants to try, especially when I'm reminded of the things that still bring me faint joy in this shitty world. But I just can't anymore. I've tried to live up to society's expectations and I can't do it anymore. I've tried to be my own person and accept myself for who I am but I can't do that anymore either. I've tried this med and that med. I've tried this therapist and that therapist. I've tried this treatment and that treatment. Nothing works. I hate myself so much and I'm tired of seeing my stupid ugly face or hearing my stupid manly voice when I wish I was a girl. At some point, I have to know when to call it quits and admit defeat. Some battles just can't be won and I have to know when to surrender. But how? I miss my dad, my uncle, my dog. I want to meet God, if there is one and tell Him "Fuck you" for the life He gave me but at the same time thank Him for bringing me home. So how I do I stop being a pussy and just make peace with CTB?
