Venting how do i live knowing im too far gone

[uselessflesh]

how do i cope with the fact that inevitably i will lose everything and everyone because i cant stop withdrawing from them and live with this loneliness and knowledge that i'm not truly worth anyone's time for the rest of my life. i'm avoidant and toxic and only putting others through pain with my mere existence. how do i go on in waking life like normal with these frozen memories of those once loved and constant pain and longing for connection, tenderness and even self love that will never be met. i am truly a failure. i've started pondering whether eternal lack of consciousness will cease this unrest, but it's stressing me out even more how uncertain i am and how hard it is to even conceive such an unreality

 

[F@#$]

I use drugs,drink and just knowing I have a pistol in the closet is how I've been living.