Help how do i get the courage to hang myself?

[Black Rose Bunny]

i just tried killing myself by partial hanging. i was on my knees gripping my rope for comfort and i was putting pressure down and i kept thinking in my head about how this is best for me, but i felt my consciousness start slipping? or maybe i imagined it, and i got really scared and backed out.now i'm laying down. my pulse was really fast and hard for a bit but now it's normal

i just tried killing myself by partial hanging. i was on my knees gripping my rope for comfort and i was putting pressure down and i kept thinking in my head about how this is best for me, but i felt my consciousness start slipping? or maybe i imagined it, and i got really scared and backed out.now i'm laying down. my pulse was really fast and hard for a bit but now it's normal

i still feel lightheaded

 

[dolemitedrums]

Tough one, seems like you really have to commit to partial to make it happen.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

Tough one, seems like you really have to commit to partial to make it happen.

i thought i was… i want so desperately to die, since i was little… why can't i do it
i have to do it
i have to
i have to

 

[dolemitedrums]

i thought i was… i want so desperately to die, since i was little… why can't i do it
i have to do it
i have to
i have to

Why do you have to?

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

Why do you have to?

i'm trans, ever since i was really little all i ever wanted was to be a girl. apparently if you give male rats estrogen at the right fetal stage they permanently act like girl rats, and i guess it's similar for me. and i can't do anything about that, i don't think i would want to either. i remember i tried hiding it and my feminine qualities because of how upset my dad would get at me for it, but it never really worked. so my parents hate me and i grew up getting abused. i can't really function now, especially on my own.

and male puberty really messed up my body, i couldn't do anything to stop it, my dad even searched my room to see if i had hormones… and i just became a girly looking boy. i started hormones when i was 18, and it's been 7 years, but i think it was too late and my body is really really messed up, mostly my face. i can't ever afford surgery. if i had more body fat it would help but it's really difficult for me to eat and i don't think it would help enough. i don't want to date because i'd be too ashamed to try dating a guy while looking like i do.

i can't look in the mirror without panicking or shaking. whenever i think about my childhood i break. my body like twitches on its own when i do, and i can't react fast enough to prevent that. i'm 25 now and i have no ability to function, and my parents still hate me

 

[dolemitedrums]

i'm trans, ever since i was really little all i ever wanted was to be a girl. apparently if you give male rats estrogen at the right fetal stage they permanently act like girl rats, and i guess it's similar for me. and i can't do anything about that, i don't think i would want to either. i remember i tried hiding it and my feminine qualities because of how upset my dad would get at me for it, but it never really worked. so my parents hate me and i grew up getting abused. i can't really function now, especially on my own.

and male puberty really messed up my body, i couldn't do anything to stop it, my dad even searched my room to see if i had hormones… and i just became a girly looking boy. i started hormones when i was 18, and it's been 7 years, but i think it was too late and my body is really really messed up, mostly my face. i can't ever afford surgery. if i had more body fat it would help but it's really difficult for me to eat and i don't think it would help enough. i don't want to date because i'd be too ashamed to try dating a guy while looking like i do.

i can't look in the mirror without panicking or shaking. whenever i think about my childhood i break. my body like twitches on its own when i do, and i can't react fast enough to prevent that. i'm 25 now and i have no ability to function, and my parents still hate me

Jeez, I was hoping for someone overreacting to a breakup but you've got some real shit to deal with. I don't envy what trans people go through at all...all I can do is sympathize and I do. That sounds like a lot and not an easy row to hoe at all.

I guess at least we live in a time where even if your parents aren't accepting, the (first) world at large is about the best it has ever been for trans people or girly looking / acting guys if you want to stop there.

You say you don't want to date a guy looking the way you do...as in, I assume, not female enough. But might you not be a good fit for a gay guy who likes feminine men in the meantime? At least for stuff as casual as dating? Apologies if I'm naive about some of this.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

Jeez, I was hoping for someone overreacting to a breakup but you've got some real shit to deal with. I don't envy what trans people go through at all...all I can do is sympathize and I do. That sounds like a lot and not an easy row to hoe at all.

I guess at least we live in a time where even if your parents aren't accepting, the (first) world at large is about the best it has ever been for trans people or girly looking / acting guys if you want to stop there.

You say you don't want to date a guy looking the way you do...as in, I assume, not female enough. But might you not be a good fit for a gay guy who likes feminine men in the meantime? At least for stuff as casual as dating? Apologies if I'm naive about some of this.

thank you i appreciate that. i don't think i can be happy living as a man in any capacity, it would tear me apart inside. and i still get gendered female when i go outside, i think people can tell but it wouldn't make sense to gender me male, so i get treated like a girl.

i also think i wouldn't make a very convincing guy, even a feminine one. i can't even act like a guy, especially now that i stopped trying to for so long. people would always be able to tell i'm trans, one way or the other.

but also internally i'm really really damaged from my childhood, and it makes it difficult to function. usually people are nice to me, tbh i think since they see me as a girl they think its somehow more ok for me to be pathetic in this way.

 

[mrtime87]

You need desperation, not courage.

 

[ferrie]

I'm nonbinary and have also had issues with dating due to how I feel about my body and gender expression. Would dating within the community be more comfortable for you? I personally only feel comfortable dating people who are bisexual. While there are straight men who date trans women, some of your anxiety might be better dating bisexual men. Or trans men who can relate to your body dysmorphia, t4t couples are very common. Overall though, it really is okay to be a trans woman even if you can't afford any surgeries. You are a woman, full stop, and there are communities that are safe & value you no matter how you feel about your appearance

 

[boblong]

Maybe there is something holding you back ? Friends , families , SI , or some reason ? Not the time to go yet?

 

[motoko_s9]

i just tried killing myself by partial hanging. i was on my knees gripping my rope for comfort and i was putting pressure down and i kept thinking in my head about how this is best for me, but i felt my consciousness start slipping? or maybe i imagined it, and i got really scared and backed out.now i'm laying down. my pulse was really fast and hard for a bit but now it's normal

i still feel lightheaded

Please be warned, when doing something like this, when one does lose consciousness it can happen very rapidly. One does not know when it has happened.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

i thought i was… i want so desperately to die, since i was little… why can't i do it
i have to do it
i have to
i have to

Me too. And I want to ... I want asap Non-existence forever