1st actual post here i've been a lurker for time now.
I honestly want to die but what pisses me off and discourages me is the fact that if I were to do it afterwards people would just continue living happy as always. Visualising people smiling, enjoying themselves pisses me off so much. I'm an 18 year old autist for context. I'm furious at the fact I even thought to make an account here at such a young age, people my age are literally living the time of their lives with friends, family and maybe even a gf/bf whatever.. I don't care
How's it fair I've been miserable since 12 years old, there'd be no climax, no future just nothingness while everyone else gets to enjoy the beauty of the world which society has deprived me of via bullying, dehumanising me based on how I act as a result of my autism. It's not fucking fair whatsoever. My thoughts are disorganised as a warning but even imagining people enjoying themselves after my death pisses me off even if they have nothing to do with me. I imagine people my age partying without a care in the world for me, having sex, being out with friends while I exist in the void devoid of any thoughts or conscious
After 6 whole years of a gradual decrease in my sanity and wellbeing they don't even have to absorb a fraction of my pain which they caused how the fuck is that fair? I never asked to be an ugly autistic piece of shit, matter of fact I never asked to be born in the first place. My literal existence was a mistake. Completely unrelated but I love ranting hahah hahhhah hLOSING IT.
Anyways.. My parents were more or less coerced into marrying due to at the time being involved in jehovah's witness meaning they would have never married if it weren't for that. I remember during my childhood few happy moments with my father which didn't involve shouting due to me just being a kid and messing about. I heard him say something a couple months ago that really locked everything in for me personally. He stated, when we had you we were hoping you'd be a girl and we would've stopped there (for context my sister is the youngest in my family indicating they'd intended for me to be the 2nd child, not 3rd or 4th) This literally means that I was a mistake there's no clearer way I can put this. So yeah the second I was even conceived although my parents may have put on a happy face maybe, they didn't want me from the get go. Fuck this life, I would've preferred to have never been born then I wouldn't have to endure the suffering which is suicide.
Rant over
I honestly want to die but what pisses me off and discourages me is the fact that if I were to do it afterwards people would just continue living happy as always. Visualising people smiling, enjoying themselves pisses me off so much. I'm an 18 year old autist for context. I'm furious at the fact I even thought to make an account here at such a young age, people my age are literally living the time of their lives with friends, family and maybe even a gf/bf whatever.. I don't care
How's it fair I've been miserable since 12 years old, there'd be no climax, no future just nothingness while everyone else gets to enjoy the beauty of the world which society has deprived me of via bullying, dehumanising me based on how I act as a result of my autism. It's not fucking fair whatsoever. My thoughts are disorganised as a warning but even imagining people enjoying themselves after my death pisses me off even if they have nothing to do with me. I imagine people my age partying without a care in the world for me, having sex, being out with friends while I exist in the void devoid of any thoughts or conscious
After 6 whole years of a gradual decrease in my sanity and wellbeing they don't even have to absorb a fraction of my pain which they caused how the fuck is that fair? I never asked to be an ugly autistic piece of shit, matter of fact I never asked to be born in the first place. My literal existence was a mistake. Completely unrelated but I love ranting hahah hahhhah hLOSING IT.
Anyways.. My parents were more or less coerced into marrying due to at the time being involved in jehovah's witness meaning they would have never married if it weren't for that. I remember during my childhood few happy moments with my father which didn't involve shouting due to me just being a kid and messing about. I heard him say something a couple months ago that really locked everything in for me personally. He stated, when we had you we were hoping you'd be a girl and we would've stopped there (for context my sister is the youngest in my family indicating they'd intended for me to be the 2nd child, not 3rd or 4th) This literally means that I was a mistake there's no clearer way I can put this. So yeah the second I was even conceived although my parents may have put on a happy face maybe, they didn't want me from the get go. Fuck this life, I would've preferred to have never been born then I wouldn't have to endure the suffering which is suicide.
Rant over
