Help How do I gather up the courage to CTB?

[pocket7]

So basically this year has been hell for me. I had psychosis, lost my job, lost my apartment, had to move back with parents again. I'm tired from trying to rebuild my life after each psychosis. Because I know that at some point I will experience psychosis again and lose everything again.

I was sure that I will end my life a couple of weeks ago. But then something changed. I lost the desire to CTB. If it was easy such as pushing a button and dying instantly, then I would most likely do it right now. But since I'm living with parents, I will have to lie to them about where I'm going. My plan was to go to hotel and take SN there. But because of antipsychotics I'm tired all the time and spending my last hours by figuring out a way how to fool my parents just puts more stress on me.

I don't understand what happened with me. My life is pointless and barely bearable. I wish I had the same determination as couple of weeks ago. The desire was so strong that it seemed not too hard to CTB.

I even received SN yesterday. But now I'm stuck. I know that I will never be successful because of my diagnosis. But something is holding me back. I read on this forum a good comment something like this: if I die I won't even know that I'm dead so what's the point? This comment really sticks with me.

I just hope I will gather up courage to CTB. I think now it's perfect time for my funeral. But I can't gather up willpower to do it unfortunately. Anyone has advice?

 

[Onelegman]

I guess everyone has their own method, it could be getting drunk, getting high, waiting for a crisis... I personally have been wanting it for so long that I have entered a kind of cult trance where I will do the necessary actions until I ingest SN. Like a zombie. If I hesitate at any moment, I guess I will think about everything that has led me to that point, everything I hate, everything I have suffered, the pain that awaits me if I continue living... I will think that my future self is pointing a gun at me and will not let me leave without drinking.

These are just things I think about, I am not telling you how to do it, you choose.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I guess everyone has their own method, it could be getting drunk, getting high, waiting for a crisis... I personally have been wanting it for so long that I have entered a kind of cult trance where I will do the necessary actions until I ingest SN. Like a zombie. If I hesitate at any moment, I guess I will think about everything that has led me to that point, everything I hate, everything I have suffered, the pain that awaits me if I continue living... I will think that my future self is pointing a gun at me and will not let me leave without drinking.

These are just things I think about, I am not telling you how to do it, you choose.

Future self pointing a gun is a good way to put it, well done.

 

[Onelegman]

Future self pointing a gun is a good way to put it, well done.

I've been a time travel geek ever since I saw Back to the Future, I guess it's my eternal desire to be able to travel and change many things in my life. I don't think of it as a threat of what will happen to me, but rather my future self forcing me not to make him live what will happen.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I've been a time travel geek ever since I saw Back to the Future, I guess it's my eternal desire to be able to travel and change many things in my life. I don't think of it as a threat of what will happen to me, but rather my future self forcing me not to make him live what will happen.

I always said that if I could have one power, it would be time travel. I'm being punished for past mistakes and agonize over what could have been and also don't want my future self to suffer, hence wanting to ctb.

 

[Daryl72]

So basically this year has been hell for me. I had psychosis, lost my job, lost my apartment, had to move back with parents again. I'm tired from trying to rebuild my life after each psychosis. Because I know that at some point I will experience psychosis again and lose everything again.

I was sure that I will end my life a couple of weeks ago. But then something changed. I lost the desire to CTB. If it was easy such as pushing a button and dying instantly, then I would most likely do it right now. But since I'm living with parents, I will have to lie to them about where I'm going. My plan was to go to hotel and take SN there. But because of antipsychotics I'm tired all the time and spending my last hours by figuring out a way how to fool my parents just puts more stress on me.

I don't understand what happened with me. My life is pointless and barely bearable. I wish I had the same determination as couple of weeks ago. The desire was so strong that it seemed not too hard to CTB.

I even received SN yesterday. But now I'm stuck. I know that I will never be successful because of my diagnosis. But something is holding me back. I read on this forum a good comment something like this: if I die I won't even know that I'm dead so what's the point? This comment really sticks with me.

I just hope I will gather up courage to CTB. I think now it's perfect time for my funeral. But I can't gather up willpower to do it unfortunately. Anyone has advice?

I'm also trying to work up the courage to end it all as well. Just can't find the right method aside yet.