How Do I Do This?

[WinterFaust]

I keep yoyoing between wanting to ctb and recover so hard it's giving me whiplash. I'm coming out of the most severe depressive episode I've ever had in my life and I don't know how to tackle the mess I've made of my life during it.

Everything's in bad shape. My finances. My health. I still can't get over the fact that I've have hearing loss even though it's been over half a year.

I just filed for unemployment which I most likely won't get and started looking for jobs again. I cut my hair since it was a bird's nest and I usually keep it short when I'm doing better. One less thing to worry about. I've been showering and brushing my teeth more. And eating at least once a day. I even tried listening to some music.

But what will change?

I let myself go for an entire year. Not working. Not having the money or motivation to pay the bills I have. Barely sleeping more than 2 hours. Not eating. Self neglect led to a decline in my dental health... It's too much. It will take months to get back to healthy weight. I have to find a new place to stay. Who knows when and if I'll get a job since I've been out of one for a long time, not to mention covid. And I just want to listen to a song without crying because it doesn't sound the same anymore.

I could barely handle being alive when I had good health, friends, an SO, great hearing and functioning cognitive abilities. I have none of those things now. What's the point? I'm so tired. But I still want to try? Even though I have nothing going for me. I'm trying but it's not enough.

 

[dysfunctional]

I can relate so much to this. The only thing I have right now is my job. But not sure how long till I'm fired because depression makes me slow and stupid. It's hell.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I can't believe you have had the strength to endure what you're going through and to keep trying. I'm only 2 months in to my tinnitus and vision problems and feel near the end of my rope. I also lost my SO recently, mostly because I was so consumed by my depression and thus wasn't being good to her.

I think you may possess some sort of inner strength that I lack. If a part of you truly wants to recover, I think you can. I feel like a hypocrite though, because I feel pretty resigned to my own death right now.

 

[WinterFaust]

I can relate so much to this. The only thing I have right now is my job. But not sure how long till I'm fired because depression makes me slow and stupid. It's hell.

I really wish I didn't quit mine a while back but I was too busy being a wreck from depression and my ex wanting nothing to do with me.
Just know you're doing the best you can. Take it day by day and try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Working is so hard with depression. Sending you lots of hugs.

I can't believe you have had the strength to endure what you're going through and to keep trying. I'm only 2 months in to my tinnitus and vision problems and feel near the end of my rope. I also lost my SO recently, mostly because I was so consumed by my depression and thus wasn't being good to her.

I think you may possess some sort of inner strength that I lack. If a part of you truly wants to recover, I think you can. I feel like a hypocrite though, because I feel pretty resigned to my own death right now.

I don't think that makes you a hypocrite at all. Believe me, I know the feeling. When my ex left because I went nuts, it really broke me. It's been a year and it can still be a little tough for me to be quite honest.
I finally decided to give things a shot but then I lost some hearing and had other vision problems and I just quit doing anything and started actively planning to ctb.

To be honest with you, the only reason I stuck around this long is I was sad that no one who really knew me would care if I died. I blame myself for my vision and hearing problems because they happened a few months after I entered into my depressive episode and the self-care went down the drain.

I will say, regardless of what you decide to do, you have been through a hell of a lot and a good bit of it was all at once. Don't begrudge yourself for it being more than you can handle, especially alone.

 

[CC123]

The avatar you have chosen shows a strong, confident woman.
Read into that what you will.

 

[Odd_Duck]

I feel this so hard it hurts.

I too have done almost literally nothing — and I really mean nothing, not even partaking in mindless entertainment — for about a year now, just suicidally sitting in the ashes of my life after I burnt it to the ground during my first manic/psychotic episode.

Like you, I was barely hanging on even when my shit was together on paper, but now... just how?

I'm attempting to give it one last shot for my family's sake, but I have SN supplies at the ready. Basically I'm giving myself a year to sort this out, and if not, then I'm out. It's comforting to know I have an exit strategy at least.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The question in the title and the struggles and desires of the original post reminded me of this quote. Not sure how it will be received.

I italicized the first part for encouragement and support.

I included what follows because I think it offers reason, awareness, and balance, but I note that it is spoken in a poking, provocative tone of judgement and negation -- that is, from a bit of a high horse, while knocking another off a high horse. Pretty common tone, I think, for philosophers of that era. Johnson himself was a master of intelligent and witty snark, but snark nonetheless.


"To strive with difficulties, and to conquer them, is the highest human felicity; the next is, to strive, and deserve to conquer: but he whose life has passed without a contest, and who can boast neither success nor merit, can survey himself only as a useless filler of existence; and if he is content with his own character, must owe his satisfaction to insensibility."

Samuel Johnson, The Adventurer no. 111 (1753)





Edit: If you've read my posts, probably not a shocker that I've been into studing Stoicism, no worries if it's not your thing, no desire to push. But if you find it of value, this quote also made me think of a perspective that relates to your struggles:

"It would be foolish to regard small improvements with contempt when it is so rare to find any other kind. So if Stoics seek great things but get only part way there, the discrepancy should not cause them to be thought of as hypocrites. They aimed high, fell short, and did well."

- Ward Farnsworth, The Practicing Stoic

 

[WinterFaust]

The avatar you have chosen shows a strong, confident woman.
Read into that what you will.

I appreciate the sentiment but that avatar is a lot of who I wish was. A lot of my confidence relied on things I no longer have and that confidence was tenuous at best in the first place.

I feel this so hard it hurts.

I too have done almost literally nothing — and I really mean nothing, not even partaking in mindless entertainment — for about a year now, just suicidally sitting in the ashes of my life after I burnt it to the ground during my first manic/psychotic episode.

Like you, I was barely hanging on even when my shit was together on paper, but now... just how?

I'm attempting to give it one last shot for my family's sake, but I have SN supplies at the ready. Basically I'm giving myself a year to sort this out, and if not, then I'm out. It's comforting to know I have an exit strategy at least.

Ah my heart aches for you. That's literally what happened to me. One manic/psychotic episode induced by an SSRI this time last year. First one. Only one, lost it all and just couldn't anymore. I feel like I should have had a sign that said "Fragile, handle with care" stamped on my forehead, even though I would have resented the hell out of that.

I've done some reading. The harder the mania hits, the harder you crash and burn into depression. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this particular hell but it's nice, in a way, to know I'm not the only one. You're giving things a try though. That's amazing. It may not feel like it but it is. I don't know if you also have a self-loathing tape on loop in your head right now but if you do, try to be easy with yourself. You're doing your best.

The question in the title and the struggles and desires of the original post reminded me of this quote. Not sure how it will be received.

I italicized the first part for encouragement and support.

I included what follows because I think it offers reason, awareness, and balance, but I note that it is spoken in a poking, provocative tone of judgement and negation -- that is, from a bit of a high horse, while knocking another off a high horse. Pretty common tone, I think, for philosophers of that era. Johnson himself was a master of intelligent and witty snark, but snark nonetheless.


"To strive with difficulties, and to conquer them, is the highest human felicity; the next is, to strive, and deserve to conquer: but he whose life has passed without a contest, and who can boast neither success nor merit, can survey himself only as a useless filler of existence; and if he is content with his own character, must owe his satisfaction to insensibility."

Samuel Johnson, The Adventurer no. 111 (1753)





Edit: If you've read my posts, probably not a shocker that I've been into studing Stoicism, no worries if it's not your thing, no desire to push. But if you find it of value, this quote also made me think of a perspective that relates to your struggles:

"It would be foolish to regard small improvements with contempt when it is so rare to find any other kind. So if Stoics seek great things but get only part way there, the discrepancy should not cause them to be thought of as hypocrites. They aimed high, fell short, and did well."

- Ward Farnsworth, The Practicing Stoic

Thank you so much for this. I truly appreciate these quotes. I guess the real shame is in not having been able to strive and my efforts when I do make them are met with utter exhaustion. But I see that even those are something to take pride in.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Same issue here. I find it hard to recover because I get bursts of wanting to die again which ruins my recovery.

 

[WinterFaust]

Same issue here. I find it hard to recover because I get bursts of wanting to die again which ruins my recovery.

Yeah. Today my mood tanked and I'm currently crushed by the fact that I simply don't have what it takes to recover. And I'm so always so alone. Maybe if I had people around I could try harder but it's just me. I feel like I have no other choice now.

 

[Deleted member 19276]

I wish I could tell you what to do.
I've been wrestling with the same question for what is nearly my entire life.

I will tell you this however - As another person said about your avatar, I also see a strong and confident woman.
I am not sure why at times, call it an intuition or be it something else, a mysterious force... But I do feel like there might be more hope for you.
My situation is barely scratching what nightmares you had to face. I now truly feel like an ant with my problems compared to how difficult people like you have it. How you get to suffer on daily basis without even considering the possibility of some resolve. To give up and feel like the days are getting scattered to an extent where the numbness has taken it's complete control. To be unable to relate to life itself. To need that same resolve with that much and at the same time, try to avoid it as much as possible.

@WinterFaust, I am fairly new to these forums and I feel that perhaps I may have gone a bit over the optimistic and positive here at times, however, I just want you to know that whatever loneliness you are experiencing in your last post, whatever cruel fate you have been left to, know I personally believe that there might be hope for you. You had the courage to get back into your own home when your mother was threatening to kick you out and perhaps face her... I would never be able to do such a thing if my parents had ever turned against me. I would feel shame, I would feel fear but most importantly - I would feel that it's over.
You are going and, believe it or not, this does bring a sense of comfort, at least to people like me.

As much as I hate what I wrote right now, as much as I dislike it for sounding so horribly pro-life and childish and as much as I am scared I may end up getting kicked out of here for it, at least it does bring me peace, that perhaps for once, I want another person to also seek hope and not give in to the CTB salvation so many of us are trying to acquire. Maybe it's best if we all end up dead. Maybe nothing saves us from it eventually... But I do know that one way or another, this place, this World, this existence... There perhaps is a way and perhaps there are possibilities we may not be seeing at times.

Well, this post has gone too long. And considering how it's from a stranger over the web, I guess it doesn't make much sense either. At least, at least I hope it could bring a peaceful thought. Sometimes, they can be the hardest to find, I know.

 

[WinterFaust]

Posting here again because I've started to decline. The memories of my past are plaguing me. All of the guilt and shame of countless mistakes. There's no one around. I created this situation, my actions caused this isolation. It's been incredibly lonely.

I've been considering trying medication again but what's the point? There's no one around. Just me, these four walls, and memories of a much better time. The loneliness is really getting to me these days. I don't know how much more I can take.

 

[WillOxyWork]

Ugh, I can relate so much. Everything fell apart for me with the onset of my tinnitus. It's been about 10 weeks now and I can't stop lamenting what I lost. I'd do anything to go back to 11 weeks ago.
I was such a shithead to my gf when the tinnitus started that she left me for good. It's such an awful feeling and I'm consumed by regret. And I can't enjoy any of my hobbies anymore. I've barely been able to eat, and I'm getting close to skin and bones now.

My actions put me in this situation as well, and I don't know how to forgive myself and move on

 

[Sensei]

I created this situation, my actions caused this isolation.

So, you chose to develop bipolar disorder? Had I known that there was a choice, I would have picked someting else. Bipolarity kinda sucks.

I've been considering trying medication again but what's the point?

The point is that if it works, you don't have to descend into the abyss again. You deserve to get a break from the pain.

I don't know how much more I can take.

No one but you can answer that. I think you should give life a fair chance before you give up, though. You have a whole community to support you.

 

[WinterFaust]

It's such an awful feeling and I'm consumed by regret. And I can't enjoy any of my hobbies anymore. I've barely been able to eat, and I'm getting close to skin and bones now.

It truly is awful. You have so much of my empathy. I'm skin and bones these days myself. I know that guilt in these situations is harmful but I don't know how to break free of it.

So, you chose to develop bipolar disorder? Had I known that there was a choice, I would have picked someting else. Bipolarity kinda sucks.

You got me there, haha. No, I didn't choose it and it absolutely sucks.

I know it's worth a shot to try medication again but I feel like there's nothing there ti keep moving me forward.

Thank you for reminding me that at the very least I have support here. I needed that

 

[so tired or manic]

the back and forth of bipolar is exhausting. the lows I hear are worse than chronic depression. maybe because it's so low so suddenly or maybe because there's moments of energy inbetween. or maybe it truly is a deeper level of depression, it's hard to say.

maybe a dog would help lift the lonely?

 

[WinterFaust]

the back and forth of bipolar is exhausting. the lows I hear are worse than chronic depression. maybe because it's so low so suddenly or maybe because there's moments of energy inbetween. or maybe it truly is a deeper level of depression, it's hard to say.

maybe a dog would help lift the lonely?

It's incredibly exhausting. I'm finally out of the completely debilitating end of depression and back to my usual low grade depression.

I do have a cat. I've had him for years and it helps but the lack of people is hard. I've always struggled with loneliness but not having any in person friends or a partner, this past year has been brutal.

 

[so tired or manic]

what got me to be more manic was a change of weather. I had moved from the northeast us to the southwest and wen it was more clouds and weather I was depressed all the time. when it was all sunshine I was more apt to be manic, it just took about 6 months until I noticed a change. now I'm back in the northeast and back to different levels of depression.

 

[Sensei]

the lows I hear are worse than chronic depression. maybe because it's so low so suddenly or maybe because there's moments of energy inbetween. or maybe it truly is a deeper level of depression, it's hard to say.

If suicide rates can be used as a measure, a bipolar depressive episode is the worst kind of depression you can suffer. I'm not sure if depressive episodes really should or can be compared to other kinds of depression, as they're chemically induced and seldom follow logic. Life can be absolutely wonderful and you can still get a depressive episode, just as you can get a hypomanic or manic episode when life is absolutely dreadful. For instance, the bestseller author Sidney Sheldon, who was open with his bipolarity, wanted to kill himself the day he won his Oscar. Not that it really matters. When you're in hell, you don't really care what other hells are like.