ungodly
Human = Garbage
- Nov 6, 2025
- 23
what the title says lol. im not totally sure what im asking exactly but i desperately need help regulating myself and this is me admitting that idk where to start. i'm regularly seeing a therapist twice a week and i plan on bringing all of this up to her but i need help trying to figure out how to deal with everything outside of therapy.
self sabotage isn't really a new concept for me, i have a history of going out and complicating things for myself but i think most of that came from a place of impulsivity or just trying to find some relief from whatever i was experiencing in that moment, but now that im on a more clearcut path to recovery im tryna figure out how to manage urges i'm completely aware will make things worse for me.
i keep having thoughts of purposefully starting up fights w important people in my life so that they leave me alone and i can just be left to spiral by myself despite knowing how miserable that'd make me, or buying a shit ton of alcohol to numb myself even though im actively trying to curb my alcoholism. lately ive even thought of going out of my way to obtain harder drugs like coke or heroin since ik id be hooked the second i tried it but idk lol.
i recently put myself back in contact with an ex (she's been my current fp for over a year and a half, i have bpd as well) and that's already taking a major toll on me since i know how unhealthy our dynamic is and that theres virtually no way i could ever be in a relationship with her again. now that im back in this pit over her i have no idea how i'm gonna get myself out and it seems even less possible knowing that i willingly started talking to her again despite knowing what would happen once i did.
i just wanna have some stability in my life but idk how to obtain that when a part of me keeps trying to throw myself off track lmao
self sabotage isn't really a new concept for me, i have a history of going out and complicating things for myself but i think most of that came from a place of impulsivity or just trying to find some relief from whatever i was experiencing in that moment, but now that im on a more clearcut path to recovery im tryna figure out how to manage urges i'm completely aware will make things worse for me.
i keep having thoughts of purposefully starting up fights w important people in my life so that they leave me alone and i can just be left to spiral by myself despite knowing how miserable that'd make me, or buying a shit ton of alcohol to numb myself even though im actively trying to curb my alcoholism. lately ive even thought of going out of my way to obtain harder drugs like coke or heroin since ik id be hooked the second i tried it but idk lol.
i recently put myself back in contact with an ex (she's been my current fp for over a year and a half, i have bpd as well) and that's already taking a major toll on me since i know how unhealthy our dynamic is and that theres virtually no way i could ever be in a relationship with her again. now that im back in this pit over her i have no idea how i'm gonna get myself out and it seems even less possible knowing that i willingly started talking to her again despite knowing what would happen once i did.
i just wanna have some stability in my life but idk how to obtain that when a part of me keeps trying to throw myself off track lmao
