Help How do I CTB if I have someone that cares about me?

[sorrydiceroll]

My dad is the only reason I am still alive because he is the only person that cares about me. However, his life is very different from mine and he can't really understand how I feel. My mental state has not improved over ten years through various friendships, therapists, and antidepressants -- if anything, it has only gotten worse. My depression is now tanking my college grades into unrecoverable states, prolonging my hellish school experience and wasting more of his money.

I don't have a reason to live outside of his expectations of me. I am sure that he wants me to graduate from college because he wants me to be independent, stable, and happy. Getting a job without a college degree might also fulfill this purpose, but dropping out would make it impossible for me to even look him in the eyes out of shame. I think if that happened I would lose the will to live entirely. After all, I am not very interested in staying alive in the first place. I am tired of suffering and I want to die. But I don't want to hurt him.

Is there a way to get him to hate me maybe? I think he genuinely loves me, which is terrifying. If I could make that go away, I think I would be much more confident that I could successfully end my own life.

 

[SwagGalore]

I'm grappling with a pretty similar situation. My parents are some of the only people left who give a rat's ass about me, but they make very little effort to understand just what it is I'm up against. They end up furious at me for things I can't for the life of me help, even after I've explained the fact.

What have you communicated to him about your situation? You might as well try everything you can to fix it if you plan on ending it.

 

[sorrydiceroll]

You see, I'm a little scared of opening up to him about these feelings because I'm worried he might say something only a good father could say, something that would keep me alive. Like, that it's okay to drop out of college and do something else. And that he'd support me through whatever path I choose in life.

He knows I've already attempted once. He knows I struggle with these sorts of feelings, but he's not a very emotional person. The last time I've spoken to him about these sorts of things is in the psych ward last year.

 

[9lives]

My dad is the only reason I am still alive because he is the only person that cares about me. However, his life is very different from mine and he can't really understand how I feel. My mental state has not improved over ten years through various friendships, therapists, and antidepressants -- if anything, it has only gotten worse. My depression is now tanking my college grades into unrecoverable states, prolonging my hellish school experience and wasting more of his money.

I don't have a reason to live outside of his expectations of me. I am sure that he wants me to graduate from college because he wants me to be independent, stable, and happy. Getting a job without a college degree might also fulfill this purpose, but dropping out would make it impossible for me to even look him in the eyes out of shame. I think if that happened I would lose the will to live entirely. After all, I am not very interested in staying alive in the first place. I am tired of suffering and I want to die. But I don't want to hurt him.

Is there a way to get him to hate me maybe? I think he genuinely loves me, which is terrifying. If I could make that go away, I think I would be much more confident that I could successfully end my own life.

I'm not going to try and convince you to hold on, but I definitely understand where you're coming from. I'm on year ten of MDD, and in my last year of college. I will say as absolutely hellish as it has been- been through rehab, 4 CTB attempts, psych ward, nearing the end of my degree brings me ever so slightly something to hope for. It sounds like you've had no working treatments- I'm really sorry to hear that. But at our age, there is still a lot of things in life to be experienced. I don't really have an answer for you, other than it's possible that trying all available resources to hang on may be worth it in the long run. If antidepressants aren't working, maybe look into Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). The former has been helpful in treatment resistant depression, and the latter, while I find it kind of cheesy sometimes, can help with tolerating the crap that is living. For myself, I'm hoping that finding some kind of career will give me something to at least try out- that is try our finding some kind of fulfilling work. If I graduate, and work for so many years, and still feel as empty, unconnected, and hopeless then, well, may CTB then. Who knows. Anyway, sorry it's so awful. And the stress of failing grades, expectations, feeling defeated, its absolutely brutal.

 

[SwagGalore]

You see, I'm a little scared of opening up to him about these feelings because I'm worried he might say something only a good father could say, something that would keep me alive. Like, that it's okay to drop out of college and do something else. And that he'd support me through whatever path I choose in life.

Serious recovery is scary and hard, and I completely empathize with your reluctance to go through with it. I just feel it would be incredibly unfair to you if you didn't get the shot you deserve at a happy life.

It may feel hard, but I think a serious heart-to-heart with your dad is worth considering, just to see what your options are. Have you ever considered taking a leave of absence?

 

[9lives]

Serious recovery is scary and hard, and I completely empathize with your reluctance to go through with it. I just feel it would be incredibly unfair to you if you didn't get the shot you deserve at a happy life.

It may feel hard, but I think a serious heart-to-heart with your dad is worth considering, just to see what your options are. Have you ever considered taking a leave of absence?

That's a pretty good point there. If you're going to CTB, what do you have to lose in talking with him? I mean, I understand it stirs up a lot of emotion- might feel worse about leaving him. But, talking with parent(s) is soo hard. I have a very hard time connecting with people, attaching emotionally, but my mother is probably similar to what your father is to you. I can't bring myself to fully open up to her because I'm too afraid what I have to say would break her heart too much. I also don't know the words to help her understand. I feel your dilemma m8.

 

[sorrydiceroll]

That's a pretty good point there. If you're going to CTB, what do you have to lose in talking with him? I mean, I understand it stirs up a lot of emotion- might feel worse about leaving him. But, talking with parent(s) is soo hard. I have a very hard time connecting with people, attaching emotionally, but my mother is probably similar to what your father is to you. I can't bring myself to fully open up to her because I'm too afraid what I have to say would break her heart too much. I also don't know the words to help her understand. I feel your dilemma m8.

It's true. Maybe I'm just not cut out for college, and with a depression-addled brain structured hours and work that doesn't require all this mental stress would make things easier. I'm at the point where a lot of what I'm supposed to be learning is going in one ear and slipping out the other.

I'm not even sure what I should say to my dad, though. I've already failed out of full semesters in the past and usually fail about one class per semester. Still, telling him that my grades have dropped again does scare me, because I know I haven't been trying my hardest.

 

[SwagGalore]

I don't know that anyone tries their "hardest," it's sort of a useless expression imo. I could try my "hardest" and no longer see my grades suffer from my severe ADHD, it just would cost any last semblance of mental health I still have. If something costs your sanity, it isn't in your budget. You've tried hard, and for most people, that would be more than enough. It shouldn't cause you this much distress to scrape by.

I think the best way to avoid fallout from the situation is to explain that nothing you've done was to be duplicitous or out of malice; it came from a place of immense pain and hopelessness. You sound genuinely remorseful over the situation. With some explaining, he should come to see that for himself.

I know what it's like to want to spare people from worrying about you. I just think your father would feel far more heartbroken if something happened to you and he hadn't had the chance to help you to the best of his ability.

There are lucrative and successful paths careers that don't require a college degree, but I don't think you have to kick dreams of graduating to the curb yet. I would talk to a counselor from your school about your situation and what options and resources are available.

 

[sorrydiceroll]

I see. Thank you for all of your help, really. I'm going to try talking to him tomorrow, or maybe the day after. If he responds positively, I will try to follow his advice and work with him, and maybe I won't feel so awful that I keep letting him down. If he responds negatively, I will have no regrets in CTB.

I am not sure myself what "trying hard" actually means either. People are just products of their biology and environment, and the future is deterministic. Maybe I'm too far gone to put effort into anything, whether that's out of pain or not, aha.

 

[daddy Phil :)]

Is there a way to get him to hate me maybe?

I think about this so damn much. I have almost the same problem as you and I don't know what to do about this, sorry.