Help How do I come to terms with suicidal thoughts

[wellworthwit]

I'm brand new to the forum, have read a lot of threads on here the last week and im relieved to see there's quite a few people who have a lot of time spent on here without deciding to ctb.

I don't know how to put it into words but basically I feel suicidal almost every day, but at the same time I do not want to die at all. I am not really scared of death but I cannot imagine myself actually going through with ctb. Am I just idealizing the thought of suicide? Am I even suicidal?

Sorry for rambling and maybe it's completely incoherent, but does anyone else feel the same way/similarly?

 

[AllFoxedOut]

suicidal ideation, like a lot of things, is a spectrum. it can range from general thoughts of "I don't want to exist, life is too much" all the way up to actively planning, buying items and setting a date.

I've oscillated across this spectrum since I was about 7 years old. what you're feeling right now is how I have felt in the past, and I would say around the middle of the spectrum. I did also consider myself suicidal at the time- i just think I'm more suicidal now.

 

[olearius]

I'm brand new to the forum, have read a lot of threads on here the last week and im relieved to see there's quite a few people who have a lot of time spent on here without deciding to ctb.

I don't know how to put it into words but basically I feel suicidal almost every day, but at the same time I do not want to die at all. I am not really scared of death but I cannot imagine myself actually going through with ctb. Am I just idealizing the thought of suicide? Am I even suicidal?

Sorry for rambling and maybe it's completely incoherent, but does anyone else feel the same way/similarly?

If you are thinking about dying, fantasizing about it, despite being unable to imagine doing it then yes, you are suicidal. As AllFoxedOut said, it's a spectrum. Only you know how you feel - that said it's really easy to gaslight ourselves or feel like an imposter. But you're not.

 

[watchingthebuses]

Passive suicide ideation is a pretty common thing tbh, plenty of people wish they were dead, think they'd be better off dead, or just simply tired of living but don't want to actively pursue that or have a plan. It's normal to feel confused, but as someone told me, apparently it's not normal to think about wanting to due every day lol.

 

[wellworthwit]

Thank you guys for the replies, what a calming feeling it is to have somewhere to post exactly what I feel without judgement. Really appreciate it

 

[olearius]

Thank you guys for the replies, what a calming feeling it is to have somewhere to post exactly what I feel without judgement. Really appreciate it

It might be helpful to know one of the best ways to support people with SI is to let them talk openly, without judgement. It is actually a huge predictor of someone catching their bus or not - whether they had the space and support to talk about it without fear of hospitalization and judgement.

I'm glad you joined and worked up the courage to post.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to the forum! Sorry you have to go through this. To me suicide was always and will always be an option I would take should certain circumstances during my life occure that make my life not worth to be lived anymore. This is the case for quite a few years now. I have CTB thoughts (sometimes more sometimes less), plans, and my method ready. I'm not worried about it at all because I'm personally ready for it when my time has come and death is the one and only relief from all agony and suffering.

I also understand your point and probably it's discomforting when someone does not want to die. Do you have an idea why you think about ctb? I may add as long as my life was in order, I never had ctb thoughts but as soon as this changed I had them, but not worried about it as I said above.

 

[sillygirl]

I'm brand new to the forum, have read a lot of threads on here the last week and im relieved to see there's quite a few people who have a lot of time spent on here without deciding to ctb.

I don't know how to put it into words but basically I feel suicidal almost every day, but at the same time I do not want to die at all. I am not really scared of death but I cannot imagine myself actually going through with ctb. Am I just idealizing the thought of suicide? Am I even suicidal?

Sorry for rambling and maybe it's completely incoherent, but does anyone else feel the same way/similarly?

you perfectly described how i feel but wasn't able to put in words, death doesn't scare me and i know that because i've had my life on the line and i wasn't scared but still i feel like i'm unable to do it myself. sometimes i feel like i'm being too sensitive and my problems aren't even a big deal. i'm sorry you feel the way you do and i hope you find peace in whichever way works for you in the end, and i hope you find comfort this community <3

 

[wellworthwit]

Welcome to the forum! Sorry you have to go through this. To me suicide was always and will always be an option I would take should certain circumstances during my life occure that make my life not worth to be lived anymore. This is the case for quite a few years now. I have CTB thoughts (sometimes more sometimes less), plans, and my method ready. I'm not worried about it at all because I'm personally ready for it when my time has come and death is the one and only relief from all agony and suffering.

I also understand your point and probably it's discomforting when someone does not want to die. Do you have an idea why you think about ctb? I may add as long as my life was in order, I never had ctb thoughts but as soon as this changed I had them, but not worried about it as I said above.

I think about ctb because I've tried everything else. I am currently on two different medications for depression and have been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year, after finally finding someone I can (kind of) talk to. I don't feel any different from before I started all this, and it feels like ctb is the only way for me to truly escape these feelings.

Thank you for the reply, your take was interesting to read

you perfectly described how i feel but wasn't able to put in words, death doesn't scare me and i know that because i've had my life on the line and i wasn't scared but still i feel like i'm unable to do it myself. sometimes i feel like i'm being too sensitive and my problems aren't even a big deal. i'm sorry you feel the way you do and i hope you find peace in whichever way works for you in the end, and i hope you find comfort this community <3

I very often invalidate my own feelings by thinking "what am I even complaining about, people have it much worse than you" etc so I can relate a lot.

Same to you, thanks for the message

It might be helpful to know one of the best ways to support people with SI is to let them talk openly, without judgement. It is actually a huge predictor of someone catching their bus or not - whether they had the space and support to talk about it without fear of hospitalization and judgement.

I'm glad you joined and worked up the courage to post.

My current psychiatrist tries to get me to talk openly about my suicidal thoughts, and so far she hasn't tried to hospitalize me. However I'm sure if I said to her I'm actually planning it, she wouldn't think twice about doing exactly that. I have spent time in a psych ward, it is not something I wish to do again

 

[squiggles]

I think about ctb because I've tried everything else. I am currently on two different medications for depression and have been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year, after finally finding someone I can (kind of) talk to. I don't feel any different from before I started all this, and it feels like ctb is the only way for me to truly escape these feelings.

Thank you for the reply, your take was interesting to read

I very often invalidate my own feelings by thinking "what am I even complaining about, people have it much worse than you" etc so I can relate a lot.

Same to you, thanks for the message

it helps to cope with all the stress. a form to escape, when there is no escape, even if its just in your head. like looking at a forest has a calming effect, so does the chance of escaping it all forever.

those thoughts were comforting a lot for me, but it also hinders progress in another direction.

Spoiler: suicide drive?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think about ctb because I've tried everything else. I am currently on two different medications for depression and have been seeing a psychiatrist for over a year, after finally finding someone I can (kind of) talk to. I don't feel any different from before I started all this, and it feels like ctb is the only way for me to truly escape these feelings.

You would need to know what causes the depression and as follows the suicidal thoughts. That would be the job for the therapist / doc to find that if you don't have a clue what's causing it. Unless you can change this "problem" meds will not help and therapy will not help. This is nothing else but trial and error. This is my personal opinion.

Whatever you decide is your own decision I really hope you can find a way to cope with your thoughts.

 

[wellworthwit]

You would need to know what causes the depression and as follows the suicidal thoughts. That would be the job for the therapist / doc to find that if you don't have a clue what's causing it. Unless you can change this "problem" meds will not help and therapy will not help. This is nothing else but trial and error. This is my personal opinion.

Whatever you decide is your own decision I really hope you can find a way to cope with your thoughts.

The meds are setraline which I've been taking for 2 years and I don't really know why, and the second one is 60mg Duloxetine which was given to me about a year ago when i decided to kick a 8 year long drug habit by quitting smoking Marijuana. I honestly don't even know why I take them but I'm guessing it has something to do with seratonin production/levels or something similar? Do you know much about this stuff?

Edit: sorry if I'm being annoying, if you don't have time to answer these questions then just ignore me. I am just not very educated in these things and I just kind of go with the flow

it helps to cope with all the stress. a form to escape, when there is no escape, even if its just in your head. like looking at a forest has a calming effect, so does the chance of escaping it all forever.

those thoughts were comforting a lot for me, but it also hinders progress in another direction.

Spoiler: suicide drive?

Interesting song, thanks for the link

 

[Praestat_Mori]

The meds are setraline which I've been taking for 2 years and I don't really know why, and the second one is 60mg Duloxetine which was given to me about a year ago when i decided to kick a 8 year long drug habit by quitting smoking Marijuana. I honestly don't even know why I take them but I'm guessing it has something to do with seratonin production/levels or something similar? Do you know much about this stuff?

Edit: sorry if I'm being annoying, if you don't have time to answer these questions then just ignore me. I am just not very educated in these things and I just kind of go with the flow

You are not annoying and asking questions is very welcome here because it's a supportive community, just say/ask what you want someone will listen and try to help!

I do not have any experience with psych meds and I would reject them anyway. I believe more in psychedelics and other drugs but unfortunately there is no legal medical treatment with those drugs possible and they may not cure all mental health problems either.

Serotonin is responsible for many things in the brain, feelings and so on. Basically when there is an imbalance this can have different effects. This is complex and I don't know so much details about it. Anyway I'm not a doctor and this is not a medical advice. Some people are lucky and they find meds and combinations that really help them but it's a long process and trial and error. You can use the search function I think there are threads around (in the recovery section) discussing meds and so.

 

[wellworthwit]

You are not annoying and asking questions is very welcome here because it's a supportive community, just say/ask what you want someone will listen and try to help!

I do not have any experience with psych meds and I would reject them anyway. I believe more in psychedelics and other drugs but unfortunately there is no legal medical treatment with those drugs possible and they may not cure all mental health problems either.

Serotonin is responsible for many things in the brain, feelings and so on. Basically when there is an imbalance this can have different effects. This is complex and I don't know so much details about it. Anyway I'm not a doctor and this is not a medical advice. Some people are lucky and they find meds and combinations that really help them but it's a long process and trial and error. You can use the search function I think there are threads around (in the recovery section) discussing meds and so.

Okay cool I will do that, thank you for taking the time to answer