I'm just settling in for the night and realizing I've not left my house all week, have been confined since Sunday and it's now Friday night. I feel like a failure and complete loser without connections to the outside world. I worked from home all week which in part allowed this hermit lifestyle, but I'm honestly so removed from the pace I once existed at that it's hard to comprehend how far into this depression hole I've sunk. I don't remember what it's like to be around other people, at social functions or even professionally. My appearance is dramatically altered, for a host of reasons, including sizable weight gain. I'm embarrassed for anyone to see me and don't know how to interact with others the way I once did.
My psychiatrist has pushed ECT as treatment for bipolar disorder as medication has been unsuccessful. I have discussed this with the doctors and done a series of consultations and exams, but the involvement would be intense and they are even suggesting intubation during ECT, pto take place three times a week for a month. I'd be unable to work those days and need someone to drive me to and from the hospital, not to mention dealing with the possibility of side effects (like memory loss) and possible complications (including a sore throat and pain) if the intubation causes problems.
How did I let myself go and become this miserable? I don't know of anyone that has had such a 180 personality-wise and changed so drastically in physical appearance. I can't imagine pulling out of this funk, and there are a host of other details I'm not adding to the sequence of events that has left me focused on suicide as an only option. I wish I could get myself together, or find enough guts to follow through with my suicide plan. I'm stuck and in utter despair.
My psychiatrist has pushed ECT as treatment for bipolar disorder as medication has been unsuccessful. I have discussed this with the doctors and done a series of consultations and exams, but the involvement would be intense and they are even suggesting intubation during ECT, pto take place three times a week for a month. I'd be unable to work those days and need someone to drive me to and from the hospital, not to mention dealing with the possibility of side effects (like memory loss) and possible complications (including a sore throat and pain) if the intubation causes problems.
How did I let myself go and become this miserable? I don't know of anyone that has had such a 180 personality-wise and changed so drastically in physical appearance. I can't imagine pulling out of this funk, and there are a host of other details I'm not adding to the sequence of events that has left me focused on suicide as an only option. I wish I could get myself together, or find enough guts to follow through with my suicide plan. I'm stuck and in utter despair.
