DigitalHeart
☆
- Oct 3, 2023
- 10
I really wanna ctb but I'm worried how it will affect my best friend.
Cw: Mentions of age gap (platonically)
For context: my best friend and I met in the mental hospital when she was 13 and I was 17. We happened to be roommates which meant we basically were around each other 24/6 (on the weekend we were allowed to go home for one night). In the beginning I had issues talking to others due to being an introvert. But she is a very social extrovert who approached me immediately making sure I feel welcome. We bonded pretty quick because we had a lot of similarities and I kind of adopted her. After the mental hospital we stayed in contact and I helped her out everywhere I could since her parents are reserved and her siblings are adults that moved out long ago. She celebrated her birthday with my family just like New Year's eve and Easter. Ever since she stays over at my place every weekend and every holidays. She basically lives with my family. Even though recently it got less and less due to my depression and the fights in my family.
Life was always an up and down for me, but recently it seems like there won't be an up anymore. No saving grace, nothing.
I think I used up all my luck for new chances in live. I tried so hard everytime. I tried to change, get better and 'fix' my life when really I just can't do it anymore. I don't see a point in trying anymore when I've been depressed for so long.
The past few months I haven't been to any of my classes, I barely went outside, I just laid in bed, basically neglecting myself and my life wasting away which got me into a lot of fights with my family.
The only thing that kept me here for so long was my best friend. We recovered together and went through so much. Shes my platonic soulmate and still, I just can't do it anymore. We usually talk about everything but I don't want her to know about this.
She's doing so well currently and I don't want to take that away from her. Yet I can't bring myself to find the energy to life any longer. I'm worried that when I'll ctb it will destroy her.
We talked multiple times about what would happen if one of us died and obviously without her I wouldn't have anything keeping me here anymore. She said that she wouldn't be able to live without me and would ctb as well.
The thing is she isn't even 18 yet. I'm scared she would do something impulsive. Like I said it's going well for her and I see a nice future for her and I don't want to take that away from her.
Also since there is an age gap I feel responsible for making sure she's safe. I wanna protect from all the bad I've seen. I'd set the world on fire for her, she truly only deserves the best.
I'm still planning to ctb and I will try to make sure to leave her some sort of comfort. I still have to plan the after math anyways since those thoughts would make actually going through with it harder. So if I get that out the way now I can go rest in peace.
Cw: Mentions of age gap (platonically)
For context: my best friend and I met in the mental hospital when she was 13 and I was 17. We happened to be roommates which meant we basically were around each other 24/6 (on the weekend we were allowed to go home for one night). In the beginning I had issues talking to others due to being an introvert. But she is a very social extrovert who approached me immediately making sure I feel welcome. We bonded pretty quick because we had a lot of similarities and I kind of adopted her. After the mental hospital we stayed in contact and I helped her out everywhere I could since her parents are reserved and her siblings are adults that moved out long ago. She celebrated her birthday with my family just like New Year's eve and Easter. Ever since she stays over at my place every weekend and every holidays. She basically lives with my family. Even though recently it got less and less due to my depression and the fights in my family.
Life was always an up and down for me, but recently it seems like there won't be an up anymore. No saving grace, nothing.
I think I used up all my luck for new chances in live. I tried so hard everytime. I tried to change, get better and 'fix' my life when really I just can't do it anymore. I don't see a point in trying anymore when I've been depressed for so long.
The past few months I haven't been to any of my classes, I barely went outside, I just laid in bed, basically neglecting myself and my life wasting away which got me into a lot of fights with my family.
The only thing that kept me here for so long was my best friend. We recovered together and went through so much. Shes my platonic soulmate and still, I just can't do it anymore. We usually talk about everything but I don't want her to know about this.
She's doing so well currently and I don't want to take that away from her. Yet I can't bring myself to find the energy to life any longer. I'm worried that when I'll ctb it will destroy her.
We talked multiple times about what would happen if one of us died and obviously without her I wouldn't have anything keeping me here anymore. She said that she wouldn't be able to live without me and would ctb as well.
The thing is she isn't even 18 yet. I'm scared she would do something impulsive. Like I said it's going well for her and I see a nice future for her and I don't want to take that away from her.
Also since there is an age gap I feel responsible for making sure she's safe. I wanna protect from all the bad I've seen. I'd set the world on fire for her, she truly only deserves the best.
I'm still planning to ctb and I will try to make sure to leave her some sort of comfort. I still have to plan the after math anyways since those thoughts would make actually going through with it harder. So if I get that out the way now I can go rest in peace.
