Help How can I tell my dad I’m suicidal?

[PuppyinPain]

I want to tell my dad I'm suicidal, but everytime I discuss mental health with him I build up and never get there.. he just ends up listening to me rambling about my feelings without the wanting to die parts. I've tried hinting at it before, calling it "thoughts" or "ideas" but he has never picked up on it.. it just makes me feel awkward telling him I want to die, and I also get nervous because I do not know how he'll react. However, I'm starting university and dorming soon and will probably do it there. How can I tell him I'm suicidal easily without choking up or something stupid?? If anyone has told their parents or have any advice please let me know. I think he deserves to know that I want to die before I do it.

 

[luminiby]

I'd say to wait until you're at your university dorm to share that information with him. Something like this could really jeopardize your move in day, and worst comes worst he could send you away to a ward. You at least want to be in your own space and have access to a therapist at your university before you figure it'll be good to let him know :]

 

[imissmykitten]

if you feel it is too awkward to share to him directly by voice, you can write it in a letter or a message if he owns a phone. if you prefer voice, you could either just do it on the spot when mental health is discussed, or you could tell him before that you want to discuss something important with him.

some parents may get very emotional though and become upset in the moment, but if he is willing to listen to you speak about mental health in the first place, maybe he won't

 

[PuppyinPain]

if you feel it is too awkward to share to him directly by voice, you can write it in a letter or a message if he owns a phone. if you prefer voice, you could either just do it on the spot when mental health is discussed, or you could tell him before that you want to discuss something important with him.

some parents may get very emotional though and become upset in the moment, but if he is willing to listen to you speak about mental health in the first place, maybe he won't

Yeah I've tried this before, but before I could get to the core of what I wanted to tell him (I had just revealed that I cut myself) he ended up telling me that if I ever died, he would kill himself, effectively just sending me into silence.. our relationship is complicated he is understanding and I like to be around him but very protective and clingy of me and because of that often threatens me or makes me feel insecure to keep me close to him. This is probably the only reason I have this dilemma.

 

[UKscotty]

Why would you want to burden someone like that?

 

[FuneralCry]

If you are planning to ctb then I think it's a terrible idea telling other people in advance as after all so many people are unable to accept suicide as being a valid option. It could just cause other people to interfere in plans and would make things worse, sadly we exist in a world where the topic of suicide cannot be openly discussed.

 

[PuppyinPain]

I'd say to wait until you're at your university dorm to share that information with him. Something like this could really jeopardize your move in day, and worst comes worst he could send you away to a ward. You at least want to be in your own space and have access to a therapist at your university before you figure it'll be good to let him know :]

This is a good idea, I also had the possibility of being sent to a ward in the back of my head as well but I don't think I'll be seeking therapy at Uni, I think I'm ready to go after pursuing therapy in the past. Thank you for the advice it's definitely better to wait.

If you are planning to ctb then I think it's a terrible idea telling other people in advance as after all so many people are unable to accept suicide as being a valid option. It could just cause other people to interfere in plans and would make things worse, sadly we exist in a world where the topic of suicide cannot be openly discussed.

I see your point, I guess I was hoping on a whim that it wouldn't be taken as "I'm going to do it soon" but I can see how it could be misconstrued no matter how vague I make it. Sadly yeah, it's nearly impossible to express your emotions these days if they're negative I just wish I could share them with people I'm closest with.

 

[unnormal9]

Why would you want to burden someone like that?

You—this is exactly the reason why one feels burden and thus ctb in the first place.
Sounds awfully familiar to someone I know personally.
Part of my reason is because I feel like a burden because of it.

 

[PuppyinPain]

Why would you want to burden someone like that?

I don't mean to burden him, but I also think it's incredibly wrong for him to be caught completely off guard, I guess in my mind I think having the knowledge would make him accept it easier? Or at least have unanswered questions since if I'm able to tell him I'm suicidal I also want to explain why while I'm there. I think he deserves it since I don't plan on leaving a note.

 

[imissmykitten]

Yeah I've tried this before, but before I could get to the core of what I wanted to tell him (I had just revealed that I cut myself) he ended up telling me that if I ever died, he would kill himself, effectively just sending me into silence.. our relationship is complicated he is understanding and I like to be around him but very protective and clingy of me and because of that often threatens me or makes me feel insecure to keep me close to him. This is probably the only reason I have this dilemma.

one of my parents told me about the same, so i'm not really sure how to help in this case but it does sting to hear. if you think your father could get very emotional upon hearing this, text or letter could maybe be less stressful on the both of you, but then he might want to talk to you about it in real life either way.

another thing, are you willing to receive help? because if you tell your father and you describe him as protective, there's a chance he'll try to get you help or become more protective. i don't think help is inherently bad, but i also understand if someone doesn't want it/have already tried so maybe it's something to consider too. it's definitely a complicated situation.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I want to tell my dad I'm suicidal, but everytime I discuss mental health with him I build up and never get there.. he just ends up listening to me rambling about my feelings without the wanting to die parts. I've tried hinting at it before, calling it "thoughts" or "ideas" but he has never picked up on it.. it just makes me feel awkward telling him I want to die, and I also get nervous because I do not know how he'll react. However, I'm starting university and dorming soon and will probably do it there. How can I tell him I'm suicidal easily without choking up or something stupid?? If anyone has told their parents or have any advice please let me know. I think he deserves to know that I want to die before I do it.

Choking up over trying to speak about a very personal and deeply painful subject like that is NOT stupid. If there's anything in the world it makes sense to get emotional about, it's these very strong and challenging to deal with emotions.

As far as being up front about what you are wanting to do, there will never be any easy way to do that. If you have conviction that it is something you need to talk with him about, you just have to go for it. I think if in the moment you keep struggling to say it, it may be a good idea to preplan more specifically what you want to say. If you don't have any idea and are worried about rambling and not communicating what you are going through well, it will just lead you to faltering on telling him again.

So, more specifically, maybe write down the main different ideas you want to get out when you drop the suicide word and plan for the order of bringing those up. So maybe in your case, that would look like:

1. I've been wanting to kill myself, and plan to in the near future with the way I've been feeling.

2. I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

3. I didn't tell you before because I was worried about you getting upset or angry and I didn't think I could deal with that.

4. I'm still worried about how you'll react now but you matter to me so I thought you deserved to know.

5. You love him and you're sorry you couldn't find the words sooner.

Then just go through them as naturally as you can. If it helps to just prewrite a speech.

If you think it's still too daunting and you might cave again on not telling him, though…have you considered writing it out instead? Sort of like a reverse suicide note. Write about everything I mentioned above, as well as any specific reasons from what's going on in your life that make you want to do it. End it by making it clear you haven't done anything yet and will talk to him about it later. Then leave it where you know he will find it to read one of the days when you leave home. This takes the pressure off you of trying to say it in person, and also gives him space to process his own feelings about it. From what you said about him listening to you talk about your feelings, it sounds like he does care, so I'm sure it will be impactful for him. Then when you get home and he's had his chance to process it, the cat will be out of the bag and you can discuss things honestly from there, without the pressure of the in-person reveal in the way.

I'm not sure if any of that will be helpful or not, but they feel to me like solid options in your situation potentially. If any of that seems useful, or just if you want to talk more in general, let me know. Happy to support the best I can. Thinking about you and wishing you luck with whatever you choose.

 

[PuppyinPain]

one of my parents told me about the same, so i'm not really sure how to help in this case but it does sting to hear. if you think your father could get very emotional upon hearing this, text or letter could maybe be less stressful on the both of you, but then he might want to talk to you about it in real life either way.

another thing, are you willing to receive help? because if you tell your father and you describe him as protective, there's a chance he'll try to get you help or become more protective. i don't think help is inherently bad, but i also understand if someone doesn't want it/have already tried so maybe it's something to consider too. it's definitely a complicated situation.

I doubt he would attempt to get me help unless I wanted, since I have voluntarily tried before. His style of protection is more violent and less caring. I love him but our relationship is very toxic since he often admits to using fear tactics and violent behavior to keep me around him/attached to him or to do his bidding. But he's my only stable family member and I still love him as strange as our relationship is. If I believed he would get me help involuntarily I wouldn't consider telling him tbh.

one of my parents told me about the same, so i'm not really sure how to help in this case but it does sting to hear. if you think your father could get very emotional upon hearing this, text or letter could maybe be less stressful on the both of you, but then he might want to talk to you about it in real life either way.

another thing, are you willing to receive help? because if you tell your father and you describe him as protective, there's a chance he'll try to get you help or become more protective. i don't think help is inherently bad, but i also understand if someone doesn't want it/have already tried so maybe it's something to consider too. it's definitely a complicated situation.

By the way I'm sorry to hear you have a similar interaction with family, it can be tough.

Choking up over trying to speak about a very personal and deeply painful subject like that is NOT stupid. If there's anything in the world it makes sense to get emotional about, it's these very strong and challenging to deal with emotions.

As far as being up front about what you are wanting to do, there will never be any easy way to do that. If you have conviction that it is something you need to talk with him about, you just have to go for it. I think if in the moment you keep struggling to say it, it may be a good idea to preplan more specifically what you want to say. If you don't have any idea and are worried about rambling and not communicating what you are going through well, it will just lead you to faltering on telling him again.

So, more specifically, maybe write down the main different ideas you want to get out when you drop the suicide word and plan for the order of bringing those up. So maybe in your case, that would look like:

1. I've been wanting to kill myself, and plan to in the near future with the way I've been feeling.

2. I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

3. I didn't tell you before because I was worried about you getting upset or angry and I didn't think I could deal with that.

4. I'm still worried about how you'll react now but you matter to me so I thought you deserved to know.

5. You love him and you're sorry you couldn't find the words sooner.

Then just go through them as naturally as you can. If it helps to just prewrite a speech.

If you think it's still too daunting and you might cave again on not telling him, though…have you considered writing it out instead? Sort of like a reverse suicide note. Write about everything I mentioned above, as well as any specific reasons from what's going on in your life that make you want to do it. End it by making it clear you haven't done anything yet and will talk to him about it later. Then leave it where you know he will find it to read one of the days when you leave home. This takes the pressure off you of trying to say it in person, and also gives him space to process his own feelings about it. From what you said about him listening to you talk about your feelings, it sounds like he does care, so I'm sure it will be impactful for him. Then when you get home and he's had his chance to process it, the cat will be out of the bag and you can discuss things honestly from there, without the pressure of the in-person reveal in the way.

I'm not sure if any of that will be helpful or not, but they feel to me like solid options in your situation potentially. If any of that seems useful, or just if you want to talk more in general, let me know. Happy to support the best I can. Thinking about you and wishing you luck with whatever you choose.

This is amazing advice thank you, the prompts are extremely helpful and I believe I could use one to begin what I want to tell him. I really appreciate the kind words as well I try to be as transparent as I can with him most times and because of that I'm assured that if I told him I was suicidal (not that I was going to act on it) I wouldn't be reported/stopped. Simply want to do it as closure for him/reassurance purposes that it isn't his fault. You're a godsend

 

[imissmykitten]

what @EmpathyMinded said is really good

 

[Challu]

Why would you want to burden someone like that?

Why shouldn't their FATHER respond kindly to their true feelings?

 

[PurpleParadigm]

A word of caution regarding dorm. When you move on campus, it's common to feel homesick, anxious, isolated. You want to go in with a clear head, try to make connections, find circles of like minded people for various activities and likely also check out what mental health support the uni may offer. Depending on how you feel about those things, it may be a good idea to have this talk with your dad before, rather than after the move in day.

Lastly you don't need to tell how suicidal you are. There is a spectrum to these intrusive thoughts, and you can be more light touch around this like "I've been having intrusive thoughts about dying". If you want to tell your dad, then tell him, provided he isn't abusive or the likes but I don't feel like it's the case here from context.

 

[PuppyinPain]

A word of caution regarding dorm. When you move on campus, it's common to feel homesick, anxious, isolated. You want to go in with a clear head, try to make connections, find circles of like minded people for various activities and likely also check out what mental health support the uni may offer. Depending on how you feel about those things, it may be a good idea to have this talk with your dad before, rather than after the move in day.

Lastly you don't need to tell how suicidal you are. There is a spectrum to these intrusive thoughts, and you can be more light touch around this like "I've been having intrusive thoughts about dying". If you want to tell your dad, then tell him, provided he isn't abusive or the likes but I don't feel like it's the case here from context.

That's a very smart choice of words thank you, I think that will definitely work for setting an implication that is not too obvious. Thank you!

 

[PurpleParadigm]

That's a very smart choice of words thank you, I think that will definitely work for setting an implication that is not too obvious. Thank you!

You're welcome. Hope all goes well for you.

 

[unnormal9]

I don't mean to burden him

And you're not; if he thinks that, he's got it all wrong.
I know it too, because I had one who would say the worst to me just for being sad; i.e. I was not allowed to be sad or any type of emotion other than 'happy' while with him.
No, it was not worth it, even when I was naive back then.