Help How can I rationalize getting over the thoughts of causing grief & hurt to my Mom?

[Circles]

This is one of the few things that is holding me back for now thinking about the devastation I may cause to the only person that even gave a fuck about me.
I try to think that once I'm dead it won't matter but it's hard. I'm already overthinking and feeling what she may feel I just don't want to think about this when I'm in the moment to finally going. I try to rationalize that the longer I live the more of a burden and leech I'll become especially if can't hold down a job to help out. I keep thinking of her future and how she may get suicidal too out anybody in my family but holy hell I just can't last another year of feeling like this let alone the timeframe my mother wants me to try to live. I'll just damage her either way if I keep living like a suicidal little shit and decompose mentally in front of her so either way it's all fucked up.

 

[sanction]

This is one of the few things that is holding me back for now thinking about the devastation I may cause to the only person that even gave a fuck about me.
I try to think that once I'm dead it won't matter but it's hard. I'm already overthinking and feeling what she may feel I just don't want to think about this when I'm in the moment to finally going. I try to rationalize that the longer I live the more of a burden and leech I'll become especially if can't hold down a job to help out. I keep thinking of her future and how she may get suicidal too out anybody in my family but holy hell I just can't last another year of feeling like this let alone the timeframe my mother wants me to try to live. I'll just damage her either way if I keep living like a suicidal little shit and decompose mentally in front of her so either way it's all fucked up.

I feel you. One of the reasons I'm still around is because I don't want to hurt my mother. Theres a fair chance she may become suicidal and also CTB if I were to CTB myself. Its a hard struggle. If I stick around, I would have to face many more decades of life's daily struggles. Both decisions seems difficult. But after over 2+ years of back & forth decisions, I will most likely CTB in the end. For the time-being, I'm just constantly delaying it

 

[Circles]

I think I just need to focus more on the pain when I'm in my dark space and try to rationalize that I won't feel any of that anymore if I do it. I wish my mother could understand that I just need to stop feeling like this but she'd rather have me keep living with the chance of going in circles with all these dark emotions. Idk.

 

[sanction]

I think I just need to focus more on the pain when I'm in my dark space and try to rationalize that I won't feel any of that anymore if I do it. I wish my mother could understand that I just need to stop feeling like this but she'd rather have me keep living with the chance of going in circles with all these dark emotions. Idk.

The way I'm trying to come to peace with this topic is.... in the end, it was our parents that brought us into this world, not the other way around. We didn't bring THEM into this world. So now after many years and decades of constant effort and trying to have a more quality life, things are falling apart. Its not like we didn't try in the end. So now, after having already accompanied them and be their child for many years/ decades, we finally decide to give up. They already gotten a sweet part of their side of the deal. They were able to have a child not for just 1 or 2 weeks, but a few freaking decades!! We have already more than done our part. We already stuck around for this long, and in the end we're just suffering. So finally, we can't take it anymore, and decide to end our own lives only. And its not like we are killing somebody else for our own comfort. We are just killing ourselves only. This is the very last personal right we have to exercise. If it was the other way around, where you were the parent, and they were the child, then you shouldn't CTB otherwise it will be selfish. But if the child wants to CTB after already trying & suffering for so many years, then they should instead feel like a failure themselves for their child to be like this, not the other way around. Of course I understand its easier said than done, and it sounds negative, but at least thats the logic of things

 

[Chalken]

I'm in the same boat. My parents seem to care, although they don't really understand my mental illnesses. Nobody chose to be born so at least we should have the right to end our lives peacefully. As much as it would hurt the parents and as much as they want to deny it, having children comes with the possibility of their eventual suicide.

Anyway, I know that parents will feel immense guilt and sorrow if their children decide to take their own lives, but at least they won't be suffering anymore. And you're right, there's a chance that they will become suicidal too and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

[sanction]

I'm in the same boat. My parents seem to care, although they don't really understand my mental illnesses. Nobody chose to be born so at least we should have the right to end our lives peacefully. As much as it would hurt the parents and as much as they want to deny it, having children comes with the possibility of their eventual suicide.

Anyway, I know that parents will feel immense guilt and sorrow if their children decide to take their own lives, but at least they won't be suffering anymore. And you're right, there's a chance that they will become suicidal too and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Agreed. And at the end of the day, as much as I want to apply logic to this topic, it is extremely difficult not to let your emotions take over. Because its like a sad ending to a story, versus a happy ending. Who wants to hurt their beloved mother if they had a choice?? Its tough. I'm sure lots of people can relate

 

[Bea]

I'm in the same boat. My parents seem to care, although they don't really understand my mental illnesses. Nobody chose to be born so at least we should have the right to end our lives peacefully. As much as it would hurt the parents and as much as they want to deny it, having children comes with the possibility of their eventual suicide.

Anyway, I know that parents will feel immense guilt and sorrow if their children decide to take their own lives, but at least they won't be suffering anymore. And you're right, there's a chance that they will become suicidal too and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

It's true that parents take an enormous risk when having children. I am often grateful that I didn't have any.

 

[Frank]

I simply tell myself that I tried. I have seen many therapists even spend almost 8 months in a mental hospital. After more than a decade of this I don't feel bad for concluding I simply won't get better. When I ctb it won't be a surprise but the logical End result of my struggle.

 

[Circles]

Whenever I've gotten into one of my episodes my mother would say , "Please don't leave me, I love you. I love you so so much." and it's times like that where it just paralyzes and hurts me to the core feeling like a horrible son. The only love I've ever received came from her, I just don't want to tarnish that and hurt her. I wholeheartedly wish my mothers love for me was strong enough to fight this but the emptiness & apathy just gets too much to feel anything at all. Just fuck life as always.

 

[sanction]

Whenever I've gotten into one of my episodes my mother would say , "Please don't leave me, I love you. I love you so so much." and it's times like that where it just paralyzes and hurts me to the core feeling like a horrible son. The only love I've ever received came from her, I just don't want to tarnish that and hurt her. I wholeheartedly wish my mothers love for me was strong enough to fight this but the emptiness & apathy just gets too much to feel anything at all. Just fuck life as always.

I am in similar boat. If you ever want to rant or someone to chat with, feel free to PM me any time

 

[Circles]

I am in similar boat. If you ever want to rant or someone to chat with, feel free to PM me any time

Thank you for understanding and listening. Thank you.

 

[FF777]

It's a common huge problem with people that want to ctb, worrying about what will happen to parents afterwards.. It is often a problem with out any quick and easy solutions..

I have to deal with it to some degree too with my mom, but I probably don't have quite as good of a relationship with her that you do, but she still relies on me tons all the time constantly, and she has said before she would probably end her life if any thing happened to me.. I'm going to use h2s method which only requires mixing 2 ingredients together, and part of me wondered if I should leave some extra bottles of it for her and instructions on how to do it in my ctb note.. But still not really sure..

And yeah in these situations it always seems like a battle between love for your parents/family versus your level of suffering.. On one hand you don't want to deeply hurt any one, especially not people that care a lot about you, but then on the other hand you realize there is no way you can actually continue struggling through all of your suffering you are going through..

In a way I envy those whom have a bad relationship with their parents because it makes it that much easier to ctb with out regrets..
I also envy people with siblings because I feel parents aren't as likely to be as depressed or suicidal if they have other children they can comiserate with..

As far as real practical solutions....I'm not really sure.. I will list a few things I am thinking, but none of them are that good though..

1: You could just wait longer, as much as you can, until your suffering gets so unbearable that you emotionally start not even caring about whom you hurt..

2: You could try to communicate more with your mom to try to get her to really understand what you are going through and telling her that you feel like there is no possible way you could live your whole life of like 80 years being like you are, and that nothing you have tried ever helps.. Could ask her things like "What would you do if I accidentally got hit by a truck tomorrow and I wasn't here any more?".. And maybe when you ctb she will know that you really were suffering and couldn't stand living any longer..

3: Could try to do a method that would seem like an accident.. Although I'm not sure what that would be.. Although I wouldn't recommend the "just disappear" thing where you go to some remote uninhabited place to ctb, because that just causes the parents agony from months/years of searching for you and never knowing if you are still alive some where or not or what happened to you..

4: I'm not really serious about this one but you could try to turn in to an annoying piece of crap so that your mom would start not even liking you that much any more.. Or just slowly distance your self from her some how to where you barely even communicate with her some how..

5: You know when some thing devastating has happened in your life before, like some lover person that you've been with for years breaks up with you and you cry for days about it?.. It always seems like to me after I get done crying I feel better.. So I'm thinking, yes your mom is going to tremendously suffer, but for how long?.. She would either suffer greatly at first but then try to keep living despite it, or she would end up ctb her self.. If she ctb then her suffering wouldn't need to be that long, she would just need to find a proper method, and you could include that in any sort of ctb note I guess.. And if she decides to continue living, then you can conclude that at least your death didn't hurt her bad enough that she felt like she couldn't continue living, and also, time heals all pain (at least a one-time pain like that).. Every day that she goes through she will probably heal from it like 0.01%, and after the first week of your death she probably wouldn't be crying as much as she was at first and would cry about it less and less as time progresses..

6: This is an extreme option but you could just state to her honestly that you are planning to ctb and give her your ctb dates and every thing, and tell her that when it comes down to it you can't live for other people and ask her what she plans to do after your death.. This is kind of an alternate version of idea #2.. You have to be pretty strong in order to actually do this option, because if you aren't she is going to try every thing possible to convince you to either change your mind or push back dates over and over etc, and if you aren't strong you will just end up telling her the lie of "okay fine i'll try to keep living".. This option does have the advantage that, if she really can't live with out you, she would probably say so at this point, and it could lead to her telling you that she wants to die with you together, and while that would be a bit odd in some ways (parent and child ctb together), it would also allow you to not have to worry about your mom after your ctb..

Welp, that is all I can think of for now.. It isn't an easy problem to solve.. I hope that some of what I have said can help you think of what might be best for your dilemma..

Love and light

 

[hunthunt]

If theres "enought" confidence you coul really tray to explain how hard its to be alive and how you would be a lot better without feeling distress or grief as no. Maybe not directly about CTB but take your time to explain what's go in go inside you.

 

[CTB-London]

My rationale is that my life causes me never ending mental suffering. I cannot permanently sacrifice myself, through continuing to exist, to avoid lesser suffering of others who will regret my passing.

 

[Darkhaven]

To be honest i don't know how to help.
I'm in the same situation.
Mine probably is worse because my mother is married to this dumb meathead, and if i'm gone from her life he will take over, no doubt about that.
While i'm living with her i can still open her eyes and put some sense into her. But she soft and if i kill myself she will become even softer, which only will give the bastard more strenght to control her life. He already dragged her to that miserable cult of JW's and convinced her to marry him.
That kind of makes me want to live at least untill they she dies (still a long ways) to do it.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I don't know about you, but if there is one thing that I am looking forward to, it is that. Oh yeah, the question...

Make sure that you give her a big hug and tell her how important she is to you before you do it. Leave an emotionally satisfying letter beforehand that re-assures her that none of this is her fault and she was an awesome mom and did her best. I only wish I could say the same thing.

 

[OverItAll]

My Mum is one of the only things keeping me here too. My parents split up when I was 18. Mum remarried, to a guy who is pretty decent, always been good to her. My Dad died in 2000.

Mum is 70 now, and has emphysema from a lifetime of smoking. I suspect that she only has a few years left, if that. I believe that me CTB will hasten her demise. If she goes before me, there will be virtually nothing keeping me here, and I won't be long after her.

I don't think any parent should have to bury a child - it should be the other way round - so it's the main reason I haven't gone through with it yet.

 

[rmsorensen]

I totally feel for you, I struggle with the same thing. I was just on the phone with my mom, and I feel like she has so much hope for me, and I don't want to keep dragging this on like I feel like things will ever be better. She keeps reminding me of when I've been happy in the past, but I just remember running into a wall over and over again, and dragging a lot of people down in the process. I can't handle the accruing guilt, and I don't want to believe her anymore. I go through the same thing with others in my life, watching them pass me by, and truly not wanting to slow them down. My mom never gives up on me, though, and I love her so much, I can't bare the thought of her devastated.

Whenever I've gotten into one of my episodes my mother would say , "Please don't leave me, I love you. I love you so so much." and it's times like that where it just paralyzes and hurts me to the core feeling like a horrible son. The only love I've ever received came from her, I just don't want to tarnish that and hurt her. I wholeheartedly wish my mothers love for me was strong enough to fight this but the emptiness & apathy just gets too much to feel anything at all. Just fuck life as always.

Dude, you're wrenching my heart strings right now. I 100% know how you feel, and I wish there were answers to these questions, but no one seems to have them. All we can do is keep trudging on it seems, and it's the most slow, agonizing march, believe me, I know. I know how strong my mom is, but I still don't want to hurt her. As humans, we can't help but want closure for ourselves as well, and that adds another dimension to dealing with these emotions. I don't want to just walk away, and wonder if people really cared or can understand why I'm leaving.