Help How can I make the loss less painful for my family?

[imissmykitten]

I have a few ideas in mind but I want to hear others thoughts on it, and also if there is anything I should change about my ideas.



So first I want to say that I know it's impossible to fully get rid of any pain it will bring, but I just want to make it less worse. Although I wish to do it, I do not want to cause a "suicide chain" in my family or terrible sorrow. My mother said that if any of us die, she will kill herself, and I think that my siblings and my father would kill themselves too if I died right now. My youngest sibling especially, we are very isolated because of the way parents raised us, and I am their only friend and person they can trust, and I know they struggle mentally too.

So although I don't know if I'll wait this long, I'm thinking of waiting two or three years until my sibling becomes an adult, so that maybe this way things will have gotten better for them until then and me being not alive won't have as much as a bad effect.

I also am trying to get a job and I am considering saving some money to "spoil" my parents and siblings a bit because, our life for all of us is miserable in general so I thought it could be good to do things such as paying for their vacations and gifts to make life less gloomy and help with the loss.

I will also try to write last notes where I explain there is no guilt needed and my reasons and etc, so that can potentially help shed any light for them.

Or maybe, is it a good idea to cut contact with them and doing it one or two years later so they can forget about me?

Which one is better between basically staying away from them and making them dislike me, or what I said earlier?

Apart from everything I just said, what else can I do and how can I improve my current ideas?

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think the best thing would be a reassuring note explaning how suicide was what you wanted and there's nothing they could have done, the note could mean that they are less likely to be left with as many unanswered questions, I think that's better than trying to distance from them. But apart from that, the fact is that even if death makes other people sad, none of us are obligated to suffer, it's a personal decision deciding when to leave and eventually everyone we know will also die and we won't even exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here. Whatever happens in this world after we are gone could never be our concern.

 

[Dreadle]

You have a lot of questions you need to ask yourself and only you can answer them.
How long can you/do you want to hold on? Will you still feel the same way or differently in 2 years?
Which is in your best interests - drawing out your suffering, for your family or ending your suffering first?
You mentioned you have opportunities, is it worth genuinely pursuing them? Or is there a point to play the game until you CTB?

It's not my place to say what you do, just food for thought - would by withdrawing and cutting contract, make it harder for your family to move on? As they've not only have to grieve, but additionally they have to get past the regret and guilt of not spending time with you etc.

 

[meowmeowkitty]

This!! It's going to cause some pain either way but i do agree! Writing note(s) or recording videos explaining why you felt you needed to leave could be a great help, and make sure you include that this was a well thought out and planned action and that you made this decision 100% on your own without influence from anyone. That's all you really can do, don't suffer more bc your worried others may suffer.. suffering is basically inevitable in this world, i wouldn't recommend avoiding contact though. As that can lead to family blaming themselves for not taking more action beforehand, really think this through; are you sure you even want to ctb at all?

 

[imissmykitten]

I just think the best thing would be a reassuring note explaning how suicide was what you wanted and there's nothing they could have done, the note could mean that they are less likely to be left with as many unanswered questions, I think that's better than trying to distance from them. But apart from that, the fact is that even if death makes other people sad, none of us are obligated to suffer, it's a personal decision deciding when to leave and eventually everyone we know will also die and we won't even exist in the memories of those who continue to stay here. Whatever happens in this world after we are gone could never be our concern.

Thank you for your reply, I think you are right.

This!! It's going to cause some pain either way but i do agree! Writing note(s) or recording videos explaining why you felt you needed to leave could be a great help, and make sure you include that this was a well thought out and planned action and that you made this decision 100% on your own without influence from anyone. That's all you really can do, don't suffer more bc your worried others may suffer.. suffering is basically inevitable in this world, i wouldn't recommend avoiding contact though. As that can lead to family blaming themselves for not taking more action beforehand, really think this through; are you sure you even want to ctb at all?

I didn't think about this possibility when cutting contact with family, but you're right. Thank you for reminding me of it, it's likely a bad idea then. When it comes to whether I really want to ctb or not, it's complicated. I kind of want to live and accomplish my goals, but I also don't really see any future for myself or any ways out, so it's just suffocating in the meantime, if that makes sense?

You have a lot of questions you need to ask yourself and only you can answer them.
How long can you/do you want to hold on? Will you still feel the same way or differently in 2 years?
Which is in your best interests - drawing out your suffering, for your family or ending your suffering first?
You mentioned you have opportunities, is it worth genuinely pursuing them? Or is there a point to play the game until you CTB?

It's not my place to say what you do, just food for thought - would by withdrawing and cutting contract, make it harder for your family to move on? As they've not only have to grieve, but additionally they have to get past the regret and guilt of not spending time with you etc.

These are pretty good questions to ask myself. I think it will be difficult for me to hold on for a few years, I feel kind of rushed to do it and I just want to be free.

But at the same time, I think I'll just have to wait at least one year, because leaving my sibling alone would feel terrible.

I don't know if I necessarily have opportunies, but I do have small goals like getting a job, and moving out, but then if I get this far in life, I don't know if there'll be anything special to do after. I feel like I was kind of born doomed lol

And thank you for the last reminder, I didn't realise how detrimental cutting contact would actually be before making this post. I think that I will just stay in contact with them until the end then.

 

[hopeless08]

I have a few ideas in mind but I want to hear others thoughts on it, and also if there is anything I should change about my ideas.



So first I want to say that I know it's impossible to fully get rid of any pain it will bring, but I just want to make it less worse. Although I wish to do it, I do not want to cause a "suicide chain" in my family or terrible sorrow. My mother said that if any of us die, she will kill herself, and I think that my siblings and my father would kill themselves too if I died right now. My youngest sibling especially, we are very isolated because of the way parents raised us, and I am their only friend and person they can trust, and I know they struggle mentally too.

So although I don't know if I'll wait this long, I'm thinking of waiting two or three years until my sibling becomes an adult, so that maybe this way things will have gotten better for them until then and me being not alive won't have as much as a bad effect.

I also am trying to get a job and I am considering saving some money to "spoil" my parents and siblings a bit because, our life for all of us is miserable in general so I thought it could be good to do things such as paying for their vacations and gifts to make life less gloomy and help with the loss.

I will also try to write last notes where I explain there is no guilt needed and my reasons and etc, so that can potentially help shed any light for them.

Or maybe, is it a good idea to cut contact with them and doing it one or two years later so they can forget about me?

Which one is better between basically staying away from them and making them dislike me, or what I said earlier?

Apart from everything I just said, what else can I do and how can I improve my current ideas?

I don't think they will forget you if you stay away, in my opinion, I feel that they will suffer if you stay away from them wondering why or what they did so they will be suffering during those 2 years and ultimately in the end it will make your suicide more painful. I know it's the hardest thing to leave those you love and love you behind. I always think that while it's a blessing to have people who love you, on the other hand, it could be unfortunate.

 

[Bunni'sLullaby]

I have a few ideas in mind but I want to hear others thoughts on it, and also if there is anything I should change about my ideas.



So first I want to say that I know it's impossible to fully get rid of any pain it will bring, but I just want to make it less worse. Although I wish to do it, I do not want to cause a "suicide chain" in my family or terrible sorrow. My mother said that if any of us die, she will kill herself, and I think that my siblings and my father would kill themselves too if I died right now. My youngest sibling especially, we are very isolated because of the way parents raised us, and I am their only friend and person they can trust, and I know they struggle mentally too.

So although I don't know if I'll wait this long, I'm thinking of waiting two or three years until my sibling becomes an adult, so that maybe this way things will have gotten better for them until then and me being not alive won't have as much as a bad effect.

I also am trying to get a job and I am considering saving some money to "spoil" my parents and siblings a bit because, our life for all of us is miserable in general so I thought it could be good to do things such as paying for their vacations and gifts to make life less gloomy and help with the loss.

I will also try to write last notes where I explain there is no guilt needed and my reasons and etc, so that can potentially help shed any light for them.

Or maybe, is it a good idea to cut contact with them and doing it one or two years later so they can forget about me?

Which one is better between basically staying away from them and making them dislike me, or what I said earlier?

Apart from everything I just said, what else can I do and how can I improve my current ideas?

I've made some comments on this elsewhere, but to rahash; I am a CBT loss survivor, a researcher in suicidology, and as someone who wants to CBT myself, thus:

- The pain CBT causes in impossible to put into words. The amount of pain, depression, fear, anxiety, rejection, abandonment, guilt, shame, etc. that it brings? Unbearable. It is common for CBT loss survivors to feel suicidal themselves. The realization of how much of an option it is--how real it is--does increase the feeling of, "Well, if they can do it, why can't I?" They will blame themselves and others.

- Trigger CBT's or "suicide chains" are not really triggered by a suicide in itself. Suicide is not caused by one sole thing. Really, the biggest risk of someone close to you also committing suicide would be more likely due to similar genetic, environmental, and familial/life stressors.

- I also have life issuance through my job. Keep in mind, most life insurance policies have a 2-year policy where they will not pay out UNLESS it is after 2 years, especially if it is supplemental vs. primary life insurance. I have made it over 2 years and have changed my dependents to my parents after my husband's CBT.

- I similarly wrote notes a few months ago and have considered rewriting them. Do not leave with nothing. That makes it worse; they will obsess over passwords, last moments and words, etc. Provide contacts to your job, benefits departments, wishes for burial/cremation, favorite songs, passwords, and so on. Save them the obsession, at least a little. Otherwise, they will give days and weeks and months and years to this side of the "psychological autopsy."

- Do not make it to where they find you. This will only complicate the grieving process and, more than likely, ensure PTSD and complicated bereavement. Likewise, don't just cut contact. They will blame themselves, irregardless of whether you feel it is your choice and that is the "right" thing in the moment. Give them the last word. Tell them you love them. Make sure they know.

 

[Newfiegeorge]

I have a few ideas in mind but I want to hear others thoughts on it, and also if there is anything I should change about my ideas.



So first I want to say that I know it's impossible to fully get rid of any pain it will bring, but I just want to make it less worse. Although I wish to do it, I do not want to cause a "suicide chain" in my family or terrible sorrow. My mother said that if any of us die, she will kill herself, and I think that my siblings and my father would kill themselves too if I died right now. My youngest sibling especially, we are very isolated because of the way parents raised us, and I am their only friend and person they can trust, and I know they struggle mentally too.

So although I don't know if I'll wait this long, I'm thinking of waiting two or three years until my sibling becomes an adult, so that maybe this way things will have gotten better for them until then and me being not alive won't have as much as a bad effect.

I also am trying to get a job and I am considering saving some money to "spoil" my parents and siblings a bit because, our life for all of us is miserable in general so I thought it could be good to do things such as paying for their vacations and gifts to make life less gloomy and help with the loss.

I will also try to write last notes where I explain there is no guilt needed and my reasons and etc, so that can potentially help shed any light for them.

Or maybe, is it a good idea to cut contact with them and doing it one or two years later so they can forget about me?

Which one is better between basically staying away from them and making them dislike me, or what I said earlier?

Apart from everything I just said, what else can I do and how can I improve my current ideas?

You have people that loves you and will miss you dearly. That there is more than enough to keep living.