How can I keep going?

[noname223]

I first posted it in reckvery because I want recovery vibes. But more people will See and interact with it in off-topic.

So much Shit happened. I am so damn tired. But I should not Do it to my parents. Or at least postpone it for some years. I am 26. I hope it is not too late to find a significant other. My love delusions ruined everything from the start. I am not even sure whether having a relationship would change much. I could Pull my skin off thinking to be lonely forever and having no intimacy. I think currently it is hard for me to swallow setbacks. But I don't want to give up dating. Maybe a compromise would be I allow me dating and risking to get shred in pieces if I don't buy New SN in exchange. A significant other should not be that important. But it is for me.​

I should have Quitted College earlier. I only stopped it when I was already acute suicidal. Maybe I should have played with open hands to my third therapist. But my second therapist gave me up when I played with an open Hand. Will I be able to find a therapist and to which degree should I Tell him the truth? I think if I told the full truth noone would take me. But my goal is for next week to call myriads of therapist. I think talking could Actually help. I discuss my next clinic stays already. These clinic stays don't change anything. I think they are Not even good for my pulse.

My family pushed me to continue College no matter what. Would it be just if they paid the price for it? I think no. My parents Do absolutely evetything for me. I looked in the eyes of my mom full of tears. Holy Shit.

I have severe psychsomatic Issues. I developed them in my fifth College Semester. My health deteriorated. It got a little bit better within 6 months. But when These two women rejected me within 1 week All of it came back. I wonder how long it will/would take that my nervous System calms down. I am on fire.

I don't think I should isolate myself from my friends. I think this would be very stupid. I think this would not be the solution. Even though I have the feeling two friends of mine are overwhelmed by my severe, persisting suicidality.

I should try to be Rational. The smartest man I ever met told me the future is unpredictable. I never thought I could find a way to get a passive, monthlyincome of 400€. Someone in This forum helped me to receive it. I think I should stop worrying about money but also here my family is pressuring me. And I don't want to disappoint them.The money is nursing care money for people with severe disability in Germany. Maybe such a miracle could Happen with women too. The Thing is I thought such a miracle happened. A woman in my self-help Group told me she is interested in me but I ruined it within 1 week. The Thing is with the first woman that rejected me recently I was too slow and she friendzoned me. With the other woman I was too fast. Fuck it life is not just. I met another woman that I met in my self-help Group on the clinic area. She told me she Was very impressed by how open I was in my self-help Group. I think the other woman was also impressed by, that. I don't think I am totally unattractive. But I have to cool down. But I don't know whether that is possible. Maybe it needs time. I think I might be able to postpone another suicide Action 6 months. Until the next College Semester starts and my family pressures me again. Lol. But I am not sure.

I will met the woman that rejected me on Sunday. It could get nightmarish. If it gets Bad I could get acute suicidal. But I don't have any SN at my home. The police took it. Secretly, I have a Crush on someone else in This Group but I don't think she is interested in me. I am pretty sure about that. If it backfires spectacularly it could help me to open up in This clinic. If the pain is too much I won't be able to hide much longer.

I think suicide should only be on the Table if I am fully determined. I have made some mistakes. I did Not prepare enough or I wanted to be saved. This could have ended very Bad. Actually, it was good that I did Not take it. The police Was in their way to my home. Compared to what could have happened the impact on my life is rather mild.

I could Tell the clinic All or almost everything. But I think they will Tell it my mom and I have to protect her health. With my mom I play hide the Ball and with my Dad I am almost fully open. Tbh both approaches are Shit. It is not unlikely my mom will find out soon. And I think the impact of my dad's health isn't that good either. I think the Problem with him is He took my suicidality never serious. I hope this changes now.

Talking helps me a lot. And I think I could profit from talking to a therapist. Wasting time in This clinic isn't very productive. I hate to sleep here. I want to get out. I could go to a Day care clinic but I think this would Not change much either. I have the feeling though I am doing all of This for myself. More So for the people that love me. I am not sure what would have been better for them. That I commit suicide without or with this warning shot. My friends and family already Do all they can for me.

Venting on here helps. But I also feel a connection to friends who ctb on here.
I could Start to play with open Bands in This clinic after this weekend. I want to go to this extra self-help Group Meeting. I want it So God damn much. But Jesus I don't know whether that's a smart idea. It could be so damn uncomfortable to Meer her again.

I hope she won't find out the Thing with her brought me to this clinic. Someone in the Group might or might Not know that I am here. I think I would say my suicide Was planned for a long time to Happen in October which is actually the truth. But it happened on top.

I wonder what happened to my Apartment after the police came. I had the SN in a glass. In order to protect the health of my mom I kept silent about the SN. But what happened to the glass full of SN? Is it to enough to clean it with water if my mom actually does Not know there Was poison in it? She Was in my Apartment afterwards. I am also Not sure whether they took my fucking benzos. I will find out tommorow when I come home. Yes I am allowed to go home this weekend. This is why faked a lot in the clinic thus far. Usually it is not allowed to go home the first weekend.

 

[noname223]

I consider to play with open cards next week. I had a walk with this good looking borderline woman and my roomate. I asked her whether she plays with open cards and she Was totally shocked because of This question. She Said of course. And first I thought it was irony. Tbh I assumed everyone here is bullshitting to get out. Seemingly, you can even go if your treatment resistant. I thought you could only go with a smiley on your face. But before I play with 98% open hands there are Things to consider. My mom should not know the truth. And she is actually the woman who could be my biggest protector. I live in same house as her. But she does Not know about the SN yet because of her heart problems. Will they Tell her about the SN? So that she can confiscate the next package. Second concern. I need to find a therapist. I doubt I will find one if He reads in the patient document/protocoll that He liked the feeling looking death into its eyes. This sounds psychopathic.

 

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Can the inpatient clinic make a referral for outpatient treatment? I don't know how they do things in Germany, but if the clinic can connect you directly to outpatient treatment, then it should be fair to assume the practitioners who receive the referral would be capable of taking you as a patient.

Therapists will not think you're psychopathic. But they will see a patient with a complex mental health history, and some therapists may not be equipped to provide the treatment you need.

If the inpatient clinic won't make a direct referral, can you ask them for some recommendations? Get them to give you some names of therapists who they think would be suitable for you?

You're making some hugely positive steps by even thinking what you're saying here, and I hope you give yourself credit for that.

Keep up the good fight, my friend. Sending you strength and good vibes and thinking of you.

 

[noname223]

Can the inpatient clinic make a referral for outpatient treatment? I don't know how they do things in Germany, but if the clinic can connect you directly to outpatient treatment, then it should be fair to assume the practitioners who receive the referral would be capable of taking you as a patient.

Therapists will not think you're psychopathic. But they will see a patient with a complex mental health history, and some therapists may not be equipped to provide the treatment you need.

If the inpatient clinic won't make a direct referral, can you ask them for some recommendations? Get them to give you some names of therapists who they think would be suitable for you?

You're making some hugely positive steps by even thinking what you're saying here, and I hope you give yourself credit for that.

Keep up the good fight, my friend. Sending you strength and good vibes and thinking of you.

Thanks for your help. I don't know how referrals work. I have a good psychiatrist but I need a good psychologist too. I think someone of the doctors here is also taking clients in outpatient treatment. Maybe I should talk about it with them.

 

[noname223]

How can one survive if one is already dead?
My friends are not distancing them from me.

 

[N7_Alliance_Marine]

It's worth a shot to attempt to get clinically diagnosed with autism or something. Then you could possibly get NEETbux and wouldn't have to work. It doesn't sound like you should be going to school or working high intensity jobs. I'm the same way in that regard.