How can I help someone who doesn’t want to live?

[purplefroggirl]

Hi. I shouldn't be here I don't think, but I'm here. A family member of mine tried killing him self a few days ago and failed. This website was up on his computer. He was sent to the hospital and will probably be in a facility for a while.
What can I do to help him? He has no desire to live, he never has. How can I help him recover? How can I help him in general? I feel selfish for wanting him to continue a life he's never wanted to live. I don't think suicide is selfish.. But his mother (and all of his family, he has many aunts and cousins and uncles and family) loves him to death and has always wanted to help. He literally wants nothing more than to die. It's such a sticky situation because I understand both points of views and neither one of them will be happy if he lives or if he dies. I don't want to be selfish. I want to help.
Thank you all in advanced. I wish the best of luck to all of you with whatever you want to do. I'm sending a big hug, if you want a hug.

 

[Thanatos]

Be there for him but ultimately it's his choice

 

[toxicfox]

Not everyone is meant to be saved. You could be the most Christian person and have a car run you down. You could be the most uplifting caring selfless person and some dude will put a gun to your head and pull it over wanting your jewelry. There are no rules to life, and time is just a manifestation of our mind. If people like Robin Williams can hang themselves, what hope do we really have? Depression or any mood disorder is a monster. It will grab you by your ankles when you wake up pull you under the bed and tell you how it's going to be the entire day. Then the monster says "you can leave from under the bed now but know that everyday you will return back to this dark crevasse and we will have this conversation again"
People who don't have it cant understand it. Commercials with people smiling and being normal after taking medicine is a hunk of bullshit. Just like those commercials with a happy family in a big nice house in a lovely gated community, that shit isn't the majority at all. Most people go day to day to work just to have all their money spent just to survive, to scrape by. They've been abused, raped, beat down to minuscule pride, and the only way to even consider changing it, is to change the world. You can't help a girl who has been tortured for years, that pain will never go away. You can't help the dude in prison that's looking at 20 years, because he wakes up in the same cell. Medicine does nothing without a COMPLETE change of environment, of reality, of situational circumstances. You may be able to make your friend feel better for a moment, for a while, but when this person returns back to the monster which he deals with every morning, he has to make his decisions at night whether to fight it, or succumb to it. And that, like you said, is ultimately his decision. It is sad, but it is the reality of this world. 800,000 people a year die from suicide. That is one person every 40 seconds! In the time it took for me to write this, 6 people have went away. Every 60 seconds roughly, someone gets murdered. It's facts. Humans are a race that was meant to be destroyed, by other hands or our own. We are attempting a colonization of Mars why? Because people would rather leave than fox the problem here. So if the people who have the big bucks are in it for "just leave and don't worry about fixing it" how in the fuck can people suffering from disorders have any different of a mindset? They can't. I'm sorry, but your friend will ultimately make his decision on his own. Just know that matter cannot be created nor destroyed so he can never be truly gone. His body that is a temporary vessel will decay but his energy is immortal, it has no other choice but to take some other form, somewhere.

 

[eightyninedee]

Hospital is not the answer. Therapy can help, but you don't get that in Hospital, it won't help to be in there, unfortunately it's all money, and if you have money you can get help, if you don't your on your own and forced to kill your self because life gets unbearable and nobody wants to help, especially if you have a psychotic illness like myself.

You can try but ultimately it's his choice.

 

[woxihuanni]

I'd say let him have a voice with you without patronising him or assuming authority over his choice. There is nothing as annoying, exhausting and ironically pushing-over-the-edge as someone telling you you don't know your own mind or you don't have the right to die.

 

[Stan]

Good to see you trying to help. Have to agree with what has been said above. But if you really wanted to help him, try and get him out of any psychiatric unit or ward. He is more likely to try again and succeed as to never have to go back to those places. Investigate here people's experiences of being sent to an institution.

 

[falconeyes]

- The 1st step to help him, is to find out the reason(s) that make him so eager to end his life.
- Is it a physical pain, the family, his job or what. Then start slowly to help him change his daily habits, it is very useful to make him doing things he usually like to do. Also it's highly recommended to get him out of the surrounding atmosphere he lives in if you can, if no, then try to make him go outside and make outdoor simple activities, he might resist at the beginning, do NOT push him, but encourage him by persuasion.
- Finally, find a good trusty therapist to share the recovery steps with, after all you will need expert opinion, but make sure to focus on the group therapy and not consuming him with anti-depressants, drugs-only psychotherapy has negative effects on the long run.
Hope he recovers soon

 

[woxihuanni]

I'd say don't decide for him as to what activities are good for him, either. He is not a moron, he can decide.

A while ago somebody took me to a few activities, nothing extraordinary. To this day I resent them for taking me out to things I loathe from the bottom of my heart, making me look disgustingly fake. And as for the time they dragged me into a shop, a SHOP, ffs. There is little I loathe more than shopping. Wanted to shove shelffuls of crap down their throat until they were dead.

 

[purplefroggirl]

Good to see you trying to help. Have to agree with what has been said above. But if you really wanted to help him, try and get him out of any psychiatric unit or ward. He is more likely to try again and succeed as to never have to go back to those places. Investigate here people's experiences of being sent to an institution.

thank you for your reply. <3
i hate that he's in the psych ward. i know it's terrible for him because they just drug the fuck out of him and he is miserable there. i think psych wards are fucked. i'd rather us help him than them, but when he was found on the ground the way he was we didn't know what else to do other than call the police. we begged them to not take him to the ward and just take him to the hospital because he was in a very bad condition.. shaking and unable to talk to us and unable to support his body weight. of course they say "the best thing to do is call 911" but once he's in that psych ward i don't think it's the best thing to do. at all. he's so smart is crazy. he doesn't belong in there. i feel so guilty.

 

[Final Escape]

Remind them casually about how they bring value to your life. Don't overdo it but I've noticed that this really worked on me. When people remind me why they like me and how much they will be bummed if I ctb. When people I care about text me and check on me, can shut down the suicidal ideation.

 

[eightyninedee]

I agree with the checking in, even if it's a text every second day, even if he seems well. It means the world, please don't remind him of everything he has to live for, in my experience it made me feel so guilty for wanting to die,

 

[LonelyLight]

Be there for him.
Support him unconditionally.
Listen without judgement, sometimes there isn't always an answer and that's okay.
Maybe encourage him to join you with activities he likes?
But yes mainly just be there.
I hope he is okay

 

[GreyMonkey]

If he is severely depressed then likely he is in a deep flashback of abandonment trauma. In this state one is virtually unreachable.

The best thing you can do for someone in this state is to be with them in physical proximity as much as you possibly can. Don't need to do anything. Just be there. Watch tv. Lie around. Even do your own thing but be close.

Secondly find a highly skilled therapist to work with. This is not an easy task. Most psychologists don't really know anything about healing this stuff and just help manage some symptoms. There are specific modalities to look for to find someone who knows how to help and I can list them if you want.

 

[purplefroggirl]

thank you all for your replies. it means so much to me.
i have another question, if anyone sees this.?
If i was your sibling and we were close, what would you want from me? what help would you want? what could i do to make you happier or make your life easier?
thanks again.

 

[Stan]

Give him some time. Listen to him. Listening is completely different to hearing what someone says. For a while, put yourself in his shoes and don't digest whatever he says with your filter. If he truly opens up, you may hear things that could upset you about how he feels. You may realise you were not that close if he was keeping all these feelings from you. Don't be judgemental. Don't say 'I don't believe you really feel like that'. Just accept that he feels like that. Shop around if you can for therapists, get a recommendation if you can. But being listened to makes a huge difference, its the cornerstone of this site.

 

[Blackjack]

To answer your question, you can't help somebody who doesn't want to live.

 

[less than]

I agree to with what has been said above. When he's release from the psych ward, then please give him his intimate space what he need and treat him like every adult with respect and with the ability to make his own desicions. Please don't decide what's the best for him. Please listen to him and don't judge. It is hard enough for him that he is so struggling with his life. You've said that he has no desire to live. So his choice to ctb should be no surprise. Please avoid well-meaning advice. Also include all his residual relatives to avoid him overrunning with their parental care.

 

[woxihuanni]

thank you all for your replies. it means so much to me.
i have another question, if anyone sees this.?
If i was your sibling and we were close, what would you want from me? what help would you want? what could i do to make you happier or make your life easier?
thanks again. ❤

I'd want you to be honest and open. For instance, don't be a sjw that grows venomously quiet if they say anything you don't like. Don't overshare without reading the signals of receptiveness or lack thereof. Don't push. Don't listen to the shrink preach that you need to be 'respectful' either, that's a code word for 'don't give a fuck and let them destroy themselves without interference.' For instance, if you see your sibling going 'single' for ten years after a fifteen year co-dependent relationship, don't think 'it's their choice'. Think 'Wow, they are in deep fucking trouble and my small-talk won't help them. I need to connect with them!'

Obviously I'm telling you a story I know, it's not your story. But, induce as you wish. I see you are a truly caring person.

 

[Scooby-Doo]

I feel for you. My uncle killed himself and I spent alot of time with him. He was always life of the party upbeat kind of guy. A month before it happened I was passing his house and just thought I'd pop in. The house was smashed up and he was sat on a chair in tears. At the time I was 21 and nieve but knew I needed to call family for help. At the time he was so happy to see me and we had a few drinks. Wouldn't talk about what happened to me, just pretended it didn't happen. When he fell asleep I phoned family up and over a couple of weeks he had alot support. Sorted his house out and he was upbeat and definitely more like his normal self. I was suppose to go to his house early in morning to give him money for some games he'd copied. I was working and didn't go. Later that day got sent home from work to find out he'd killed himself. I know now for fact that he wouldn't want me to find him like that. I would of done if I'd have gone round that morning. I believe it was an impulsive decision he made and he succeeded. Its impossible to give you the best advice because what might work for 1 person might have opposite effect on another. From my experience if they are back to their cheerful self or pretend to be, that's when you should keep a close eye on them.

 

[SlackJim]

To answer your question, you can't help somebody who doesn't want to live.

Yes you can, you might not change their mind but you can always help, you can make them feel less isolated, you can listen, heck some people even assist with suicide.

 

[woxihuanni]

Another thing is that help does not only mean getting someone to live until dementia or cancer takes them. Even if they have days or week to live before they ctb, there is an immense difference between spending that time shut down and in anguish vs having a voice, support and relative peace with friends. With a couple of my friends we even joke about it.

 

[puppy9]

Remember this one thing when you talk to him ; you'll never know a lot about him. There is always demons in our mind , that no one wants to share because they don't even know it's there. Just heed the advice above. Good luck.

 

[Brainpain]

Thank you for reaching out to us in an open minded and non judgemental way. I am.l really sorry to hear about your family member. Suicide can be impulsive or it can be logically thought out. It sounds like your family member may have planned this out and made a choice a long time ago or he may have been thinking about and just not decided to take the plunge. I don't know. Someone can want to die without actually wanting to do suicide. Is there any chance his failure may have been a result of last minute regrets? A lot of time it's actually survival instinct. The best thing you can do is be there and listen to him. The thing about psych wards is a lot of the time they are simply suicide watch and you're tossed out without help once they think you're no longer a serious risk. I hope he's actually getting some help and therapy while he is in there. I know a lot of folks on this form are very anti-therapy and psychiatry but sometimes people ARE helped by it and if he has to be in there anyways I hope they are at least TRYING to help him.
Are there concrete reasons he wants to die? Any aspects of his life that you or anyone can help him change? Some problems absolutely are permanent so please understand that and especially don't give him false platitudes like things get better. They often don't. And most people who fail at suicide often end up making repeated attempts. I don't wish anyone to be sad or suicidal, it's an awful feeling. I wish you and your family the best of luck and comfort.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

As the person above me said, I wanted to truly thank you for reaching out to us in such a respectful manner. Thank you for not judging us or attacking us and being open minded about the issue.
And also as other people have stated, don't hit people with "it gets better" or "but what about your family". In this moment, micromanage the shit out of your words. Think carefully about each word even if that means having long pauses between a conversation. Example, I was reading suicidebereavent on reddit and this woman said the following: they are not deciding to abandon their loved ones, because at the time, there isn't anything in their mind but the need to end their pain inside. It doesn't mean they didn't love you. If they are forced to think about their loved ones, they usually think they're better off without them. I know it doesn't make sense to you or I, but remember at the time, they can't think rationally. Their mind isn't functioning correctly"
To you, this might just sound like a nice gesture but to me, this is incredibly insulting. All that lady did was demean every suicidal person in the world and shove them into a tiny bubble.
Sometimes, conversation isn't needed. Just your presence. Even if they get pissed off, just stay with them. It would show your a ride or die and depending on if they get better from this, they'll always remember it. But if he doesn't end up getting better, respect his choice. Some people can't be saved

 

[Brainpain]

As the person above me said, I wanted to truly thank you for reaching out to us in such a respectful manner. Thank you for not judging us or attacking us and being open minded about the issue.
And also as other people have stated, don't hit people with "it gets better" or "but what about your family". In this moment, micromanage the shit out of your words. Think carefully about each word even if that means having long pauses between a conversation. Example, I was reading suicidebereavent on reddit and this woman said the following: they are not deciding to abandon their loved ones, because at the time, there isn't anything in their mind but the need to end their pain inside. It doesn't mean they didn't love you. If they are forced to think about their loved ones, they usually think they're better off without them. I know it doesn't make sense to you or I, but remember at the time, they can't think rationally. Their mind isn't functioning correctly"
To you, this might just sound like a nice gesture but to me, this is incredibly insulting. All that lady did was demean every suicidal person in the world and shove them into a tiny bubble.
Sometimes, conversation isn't needed. Just your presence. Even if they get pissed off, just stay with them. It would show your a ride or die and depending on if they get better from this, they'll always remember it. But if he doesn't end up getting better, respect his choice. Some people can't be saved

Thank you for this. It is very insulting to assume everyone who decides life isn't for them is an irrational person who has lost their mind.

 

[purplefroggirl]

Thank you for reaching out to us in an open minded and non judgemental way. I am.l really sorry to hear about your family member. Suicide can be impulsive or it can be logically thought out. It sounds like your family member may have planned this out and made a choice a long time ago or he may have been thinking about and just not decided to take the plunge. I don't know. Someone can want to die without actually wanting to do suicide. Is there any chance his failure may have been a result of last minute regrets? A lot of time it's actually survival instinct. The best thing you can do is be there and listen to him. The thing about psych wards is a lot of the time they are simply suicide watch and you're tossed out without help once they think you're no longer a serious risk. I hope he's actually getting some help and therapy while he is in there. I know a lot of folks on this form are very anti-therapy and psychiatry but sometimes people ARE helped by it and if he has to be in there anyways I hope they are at least TRYING to help him.
Are there concrete reasons he wants to die? Any aspects of his life that you or anyone can help him change? Some problems absolutely are permanent so please understand that and especially don't give him false platitudes like things get better. They often don't. And most people who fail at suicide often end up making repeated attempts. I don't wish anyone to be sad or suicidal, it's an awful feeling. I wish you and your family the best of luck and comfort.

Thank you for being so kind. He's my brother. he means the world to me. We are great friends and he is wonderful. His girlfriend passed away a few years ago due to an OD, I think he hasn't let go. I know it's fucking hard to let go, I can't even IMAGINE. But it's been a while and I thing he is really holding onto her still. He also has schizophrenia, anxiety depression etc, and he is too smart. He's too good for this world. I always think this world wasn't made for people and special (in a good way) and smart and caring like him. This world is so cruel. He stays in, doesn't like to hang out with his friends because they think he needs help and he refuses to believe so. I know he knows he needs help, but believes no one can help him. For a while i felt the same way, no one can help my brother because he is smarter than all of these people. My parents kind of told him he goes to rehab or he stays on the streets, i told them to be very gentle and kind and to remind him that he is loved and makes our days brighter. I'm scared they were mean to him because he was mean to them. I also told them that they have to remember that he literally just tried to kill him self. He didn't do it in spite of us and they have to get the "it selfish because we all love you so much" idea our of their head. I hope the rehab helps, he is very unhappy with the idea of rehab and still claims he is fine.. I hope rehab helps. I fear they can't help him. But i know we have to be positive.

As the person above me said, I wanted to truly thank you for reaching out to us in such a respectful manner. Thank you for not judging us or attacking us and being open minded about the issue.
And also as other people have stated, don't hit people with "it gets better" or "but what about your family". In this moment, micromanage the shit out of your words. Think carefully about each word even if that means having long pauses between a conversation. Example, I was reading suicidebereavent on reddit and this woman said the following: they are not deciding to abandon their loved ones, because at the time, there isn't anything in their mind but the need to end their pain inside. It doesn't mean they didn't love you. If they are forced to think about their loved ones, they usually think they're better off without them. I know it doesn't make sense to you or I, but remember at the time, they can't think rationally. Their mind isn't functioning correctly"
To you, this might just sound like a nice gesture but to me, this is incredibly insulting. All that lady did was demean every suicidal person in the world and shove them into a tiny bubble.
Sometimes, conversation isn't needed. Just your presence. Even if they get pissed off, just stay with them. It would show your a ride or die and depending on if they get better from this, they'll always remember it. But if he doesn't end up getting better, respect his choice. Some people can't be saved

I want to thank you for being so kind to me and replying to my post. It really does mean so much to me. I could never judge any of you, it's not my place. We all have different lives, we all have different minds, we are all different. and that's okay with me. :)
I understand. I don't think he is selfish and I know he loves me and my mother very very much. I know he's also hurting. I understand. My family, especially my mother, could NEVER. It doesn't make sense to her. I've tried to explain that he isn't being selfish but they get so defensive... I never point fingers. I'm really good with my words. I try really hard to talk to my family and tell them how I feel and tell them what I think they should do, but I'm only 22. They're much older than me, tHeY kNoW mOrE tHaN mE but I will always do my best to try and help him. That's why I'm here, to hear from you and see if I can do things differently. I appreciate you all very much for responding to me.

I feel for you. My uncle killed himself and I spent alot of time with him. He was always life of the party upbeat kind of guy. A month before it happened I was passing his house and just thought I'd pop in. The house was smashed up and he was sat on a chair in tears. At the time I was 21 and nieve but knew I needed to call family for help. At the time he was so happy to see me and we had a few drinks. Wouldn't talk about what happened to me, just pretended it didn't happen. When he fell asleep I phoned family up and over a couple of weeks he had alot support. Sorted his house out and he was upbeat and definitely more like his normal self. I was suppose to go to his house early in morning to give him money for some games he'd copied. I was working and didn't go. Later that day got sent home from work to find out he'd killed himself. I know now for fact that he wouldn't want me to find him like that. I would of done if I'd have gone round that morning. I believe it was an impulsive decision he made and he succeeded. Its impossible to give you the best advice because what might work for 1 person might have opposite effect on another. From my experience if they are back to their cheerful self or pretend to be, that's when you should keep a close eye on them.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm sending you a hug if you want a hug. I skipped school the day he did it, I think it was a sign. Sadly I did have to see him and help him off the floor etc., but I think if I wasn't there my mom wouldn't have been as calm as she was. I'm very good at keeping my cool... I think it's bc I have ADHD surpringly enough. He was having some really good days, I think that might be why. My mom said she knew something was up, he was eating dinner with us and going to places with us. It was strange but so nice..

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Thank you for being so kind. He's my brother. he means the world to me. We are great friends and he is wonderful. His girlfriend passed away a few years ago due to an OD, I think he hasn't let go. I know it's fucking hard to let go, I can't even IMAGINE. But it's been a while and I thing he is really holding onto her still. He also has schizophrenia, anxiety depression etc, and he is too smart. He's too good for this world. I always think this world wasn't made for people and special (in a good way) and smart and caring like him. This world is so cruel. He stays in, doesn't like to hang out with his friends because they think he needs help and he refuses to believe so. I know he knows he needs help, but believes no one can help him. For a while i felt the same way, no one can help my brother because he is smarter than all of these people. My parents kind of told him he goes to rehab or he stays on the streets, i told them to be very gentle and kind and to remind him that he is loved and makes our days brighter. I'm scared they were mean to him because he was mean to them. I also told them that they have to remember that he literally just tried to kill him self. He didn't do it in spite of us and they have to get the "it selfish because we all love you so much" idea our of their head. I hope the rehab helps, he is very unhappy with the idea of rehab and still claims he is fine.. I hope rehab helps. I fear they can't help him. But i know we have to be positive.

I want to thank you for being so kind to me and replying to my post. It really does mean so much to me. I could never judge any of you, it's not my place. We all have different lives, we all have different minds, we are all different. and that's okay with me. :)
I understand. I don't think he is selfish and I know he loves me and my mother very very much. I know he's also hurting. I understand. My family, especially my mother, could NEVER. It doesn't make sense to her. I've tried to explain that he isn't being selfish but they get so defensive... I never point fingers. I'm really good with my words. I try really hard to talk to my family and tell them how I feel and tell them what I think they should do, but I'm only 22. They're much older than me, tHeY kNoW mOrE tHaN mE but I will always do my best to try and help him. That's why I'm here, to hear from you and see if I can do things differently. I appreciate you all very much for responding to me.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm sending you a hug if you want a hug. I skipped school the day he did it, I think it was a sign. Sadly I did have to see him and help him off the floor etc., but I think if I wasn't there my mom wouldn't have been as calm as she was. I'm very good at keeping my cool... I think it's bc I have ADHD surpringly enough. He was having some really good days, I think that might be why. My mom said she knew something was up, he was eating dinner with us and going to places with us. It was strange but so nice..

You're the same age as me haha
Just remember its ok if you can't think of anything to say. Just presence is nice. Go above and beyond if you think it might work.

 

[woxihuanni]

My heart goes out to him, having his issues, great intelligence and grieving his girlfriend are not things dumb as rock, monkey-brained parents are equipped to deal with. I'm sorry but I despise your parents. He must be suffocating, screaming inside.

 

[purplefroggirl]

My heart goes out to him, having his issues, great intelligence and grieving his girlfriend are not things dumb as rock, monkey-brained parents are equipped to deal with. I'm sorry but I despise your parents. He must be suffocating, screaming inside.

I feel bad because I love my parents, they have given me everything and they've also given him everything. They just don't know how to handle him.. They want him to be safe and okay. They have good intentions. Mom always asks him if he wants to go out with her and checks up on him and buys him all the paints and pencils and sketch books he wants, she will do anything he asks. But that's also the downfall. He takes advantage of it. and he takes advantage of her, she just lets him push her around sometimes. It's frustrating. I want to help my mom help her son, you know?

 

[woxihuanni]

I feel bad because I love my parents, they have given me everything and they've also given him everything. They just don't know how to handle him.. They want him to be safe and okay. They have good intentions. Mom always asks him if he wants to go out with her and checks up on him and buys him all the paints and pencils and sketch books he wants, she will do anything he asks. But that's also the downfall. He takes advantage of it. and he takes advantage of her, she just lets him push her around sometimes. It's frustrating. I want to help my mom help her son, you know?

I still feel bad when I talk to my mother, in a way. Problem is it doesn't matter if you mean well when you do ill. As far as I can see, he doesn't want to go with her and he doesn't want to be asked. He is in hell. How does he push her around?