Help How can I handle being home alone?

[hellworldprincess]

I find it hard to deal with my partner going outside / doing stuff while I stay home. I've never been the type of person to go outside a lot, but recently I simply can't get myself to leave the house at all unless its absolutely necessary. And even then, there's a good chance I will stay home tbh.

My partner has a healthy social life and regularly does stuff with their friends. I've met the friend group and I think they're good people so why would I be worried? Also I'm technically invited to most of the social gatherings my partner attends so why would I ever be worried?

When it's late, I'm mostly worried about their safety. Although I trust in their strength and judgment, the world is a scary fucking hellscape.
During the day I worry mostly about the relationship and what my passivity will lead to. Why am I so boring? Why can't I just come with them although I may not feel like it?

Every time they leave I'm just sitting there doing something to numb my brain and waiting for them to come back.
When I can't or don't want to numb myself sufficiently, I sometimes fantasize about how much fun their having and how they're gonna realize at some point that having fun is just easier without me.

I don't want to be a hindrance to their relationships or interests under any circumstances. If I did anything to stop them from going to a party or a concert, that would make me feel even worse than I do right now. Also I hope to be able to come along with them in the future if I can ever imagine being okay outside of my home again.

What can I do to cope with being home alone?
How could I ask for texts while they're gone / affection after they come back without seeming too needy or like I want them to stay home?

 

[Adûnâi]

When I stayed alone for 2.5 years, I played games. Now I mostly watch YouTube - be it history videos, podcasts, or game VoDs.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think you need to be honest with your partner about this. So, say how nervous you feel about going outside and being around others but, also say that you don't want to hold them back. You're worried about both things.

Have you ever tried meeting their friends? Or, just visiting places with your partner? Maybe, it won't be as scary as you expect. Plus, if your partner knows how you feel, hopefully they'll be more supportive and start small.

I do understand though. I feel socially anxious a lot. Especially in groups. There's no way I could handle that sort of thing but I'm kind of fortunate that I'm pretty ok alone. Weirdly though, I think I would actually struggle more if I had someone and they were going out having fun. I do see where you're coming from.

Basically though- I think you need to try going out at least. To know for sure what kind of affect it will have on you. It might actually be ok or- really good and you may get less fearful. But, not telling them and just staying at home with these thoughts- which I imagine could start to become bitter, I don't think will help your relationship. Still, I'm the last person who should be trying to give relationship advice really- having never had one! So, feel free to ignore it also. Good luck though- whatever you decide.

 

[figcitylightscookie]

What I've learned is repressing feelings only makes things worse. Trying to process your feelings hurts so much, but you suffer less because they will eventually pass. I think the typical answer would be to seek professional help since willingly cooping yourself up in your house for this long is not healthy. However, I will share some advice that doesn't involve that.

The first step should be to talk to your partner about your feelings. Distracting yourself while your partner is out (for example, by playing video games) only represses your feelings; you're shoving them away to feel them later, but they're never gone. An open discussion with your partner about your feelings will make you feel better by finding out whether these feelings are unnecessary or right. If you think it will make you feel better, ask them if they can occasionally text you while they're out or share their location with you; explain that this is temporary until you work on your anxiety. Managing your anxiety will make you a better partner for them.

The second step is to start leaving your house. You can start by hanging out with your partner's friends online by joining a Discord call; you can also find different servers and meet new friends. This will help you become more comfortable with other people's company. Next, you can invite friends to your home so you can spend time in your safe space. Afterward, you can leave the house for a short time in places near your home until you're finally comfortable going out again. Basically, the goal here is to take baby steps to go from staying home alone to getting to a point where you can enjoy parties and concerts with your partner.

It's important to be honest with yourself in situations like these. Journaling alongside these steps could help with that. If you don't want to seek outside help, venting to yourself (or other people if they're okay with it) can help you discover deep-seated issues you didn't realize before. Once you recognize these issues, you can take further steps to solve them.

I hope this helps, and good luck :) Please update us in the future if possible.

 

[hellworldprincess]

I think you need to be honest with your partner about this. So, say how nervous you feel about going outside and being around others but, also say that you don't want to hold them back. You're worried about both things.

Have you ever tried meeting their friends? Or, just visiting places with your partner? Maybe, it won't be as scary as you expect. Plus, if your partner knows how you feel, hopefully they'll be more supportive and start small.

I do understand though. I feel socially anxious a lot. Especially in groups. There's no way I could handle that sort of thing but I'm kind of fortunate that I'm pretty ok alone. Weirdly though, I think I would actually struggle more if I had someone and they were going out having fun. I do see where you're coming from.

Basically though- I think you need to try going out at least. To know for sure what kind of affect it will have on you. It might actually be ok or- really good and you may get less fearful. But, not telling them and just staying at home with these thoughts- which I imagine could start to become bitter, I don't think will help your relationship. Still, I'm the last person who should be trying to give relationship advice really- having never had one! So, feel free to ignore it also. Good luck though- whatever you decide.

My partner is aware of my social anxiety and is also quite understanding of me not being able to come along when they go out. I just think it's difficult to ask them to keep in contact via text without giving away that I feel bad when I'm home alone.
Before we moved in together about a year ago I didn't feel bad because of being home alone at all. I actually relished in every second my family was gone and I had the flat completely to myself.

I will try going out again at some point, but I have tried that a lot already and I think that atm bad experiences would reinforce my fear too much to risk it.

What I've learned is repressing feelings only makes things worse. Trying to process your feelings hurts so much, but you suffer less because they will eventually pass. I think the typical answer would be to seek professional help since willingly cooping yourself up in your house for this long is not healthy. However, I will share some advice that doesn't involve that.

The first step should be to talk to your partner about your feelings. Distracting yourself while your partner is out (for example, by playing video games) only represses your feelings; you're shoving them away to feel them later, but they're never gone. An open discussion with your partner about your feelings will make you feel better by finding out whether these feelings are unnecessary or right. If you think it will make you feel better, ask them if they can occasionally text you while they're out or share their location with you; explain that this is temporary until you work on your anxiety. Managing your anxiety will make you a better partner for them.

The second step is to start leaving your house. You can start by hanging out with your partner's friends online by joining a Discord call; you can also find different servers and meet new friends. This will help you become more comfortable with other people's company. Next, you can invite friends to your home so you can spend time in your safe space. Afterward, you can leave the house for a short time in places near your home until you're finally comfortable going out again. Basically, the goal here is to take baby steps to go from staying home alone to getting to a point where you can enjoy parties and concerts with your partner.

It's important to be honest with yourself in situations like these. Journaling alongside these steps could help with that. If you don't want to seek outside help, venting to yourself (or other people if they're okay with it) can help you discover deep-seated issues you didn't realize before. Once you recognize these issues, you can take further steps to solve them.

I hope this helps, and good luck :) Please update us in the future if possible.

I have a therapist but we're not actively working on my anxiety issues.

You're totally right about repression not being the best thing in the long run, but it's my go-to for a lot of things, so it'll be hard to not also do that in this case.

I have met my partner's friend group and I get what they like about them. Sadly the mere fact that I'd have to spend time in a group made almost all opportunities to interact with them very uncomfortable.

Meeting people, joining discords etc. is kind of off the table for me at this point in time, but maybe I'll try to go to a museum with my partner alone sometime. That was the last outside experience I didn't regret subjecting myself to at least.

Thank you both for your advice