reverse03
Departing. Goodbye
- Sep 11, 2022
- 159
Been suicidal for years but keep it under the rugs by being apathetic and blowing up from time to time. My most peak months are the last 3 months. After that it doed down, everyone thinks that I am getting better. But the struggle to fight back is too hard for me to keep. I know I cannot hold or hide again for a long time like before. All my masks and walls have been exposed to others and I cannot use it again. I cannot even bring myself to face myself in the mirror and other people. I need to ctb and I cannot fail it because they will think I am seeking attention. But it is not. I planned to go earlier this morning but I keep delaying it thinking I can fight it but no, this is day is the hardest and my time to ctb is long gone.
I am planning to again tomorrow morning, my method will be sn and I don't have any ae just benadryl. I am fasting for more than 6 hours now and I will continue until tomorrow morning. The weather forecast will be raining hard but I still planning to ctb at the park. Hopefully hypothermia can also take me out.
I know I already mentioned multiple times here that I will ctb but SI is just a hard wall to break down. I want freedom from this life.
I am planning to again tomorrow morning, my method will be sn and I don't have any ae just benadryl. I am fasting for more than 6 hours now and I will continue until tomorrow morning. The weather forecast will be raining hard but I still planning to ctb at the park. Hopefully hypothermia can also take me out.
I know I already mentioned multiple times here that I will ctb but SI is just a hard wall to break down. I want freedom from this life.