Spiny Lobster
Member
- Jul 16, 2020
- 53
I have been going through a period of doubting/questioning my own mental health. I got drunk one night recently and I felt so uneasy with myself that I thought, "No one could possibly feel or think like this. I can't be 'depressed' when what I'm feeling is so unreal--even for me." I've even said to my therapist, "How can I be suicidal if I haven't 'suicided' yet?" Granted, this question was promptly met with, "You're still suicidal." But how can I be truely suicidal if I'm too scared to die?
These feelings are complicated by the fact that there's no reason for me to be this unwell. I have all the symptoms of mental illness (suicidal ideation, self-harm, mental fog, etc.), but I don't have an answer as to why. I've had a normal (if not somewhat privileged) ubringing, with nothing particularly traumatic occuring. And still, I've been having suicidal ideation since grade school, and for whatever reason, these thoughts prevented me from finishing college. Ever since, I've been screwed up. But why? What for if nothing caused it?
I coud be downplaying my own history. I don't know at this point. But I still feel foolish, thinking that all of my problems aren't real and are just in my head. I'm also at the point in therapy where I just want to quit. I want to quit medicine and talk-therapy and just give up on myself. I dread every talk-therapy appointment, plus I'm not in contact with my psychiatrists anymore. It doesn't make sense to continue receiving help if I'm not going to commit suicide anyway (since I'm a fat coward). Medicine and therapy is moot at this point.
So now I'm left wondering as I continue to dread future appointments and even taking my medicine (which I don't do regularly, oof)... How can anything or anyone help me if I don't even know why I'm messed up?
These feelings are complicated by the fact that there's no reason for me to be this unwell. I have all the symptoms of mental illness (suicidal ideation, self-harm, mental fog, etc.), but I don't have an answer as to why. I've had a normal (if not somewhat privileged) ubringing, with nothing particularly traumatic occuring. And still, I've been having suicidal ideation since grade school, and for whatever reason, these thoughts prevented me from finishing college. Ever since, I've been screwed up. But why? What for if nothing caused it?
I coud be downplaying my own history. I don't know at this point. But I still feel foolish, thinking that all of my problems aren't real and are just in my head. I'm also at the point in therapy where I just want to quit. I want to quit medicine and talk-therapy and just give up on myself. I dread every talk-therapy appointment, plus I'm not in contact with my psychiatrists anymore. It doesn't make sense to continue receiving help if I'm not going to commit suicide anyway (since I'm a fat coward). Medicine and therapy is moot at this point.
So now I'm left wondering as I continue to dread future appointments and even taking my medicine (which I don't do regularly, oof)... How can anything or anyone help me if I don't even know why I'm messed up?
Last edited: