Help How can I actually improve as a person without feeling intense guilt for past actions or paranoia about my future actions?

[Namelesa]

One of the big things causing my suffering and my want to die is that when I make a mistake, no matter how small or big it is, I feel really really intense guilt and shame that overwhelms and consumes me. I feel worthless and hate myself for past actions and being paranoid and very anxious about my future actions so much but I feel like this is necessary for me to improve as I use this suffering and painfully emotions as a way to incentivise me to do better and to not make the mistake again. My worth is based on what I can positively provide and do for others so if I do something bad my worth lowers. I want to be as useful as I can to others so I need to be morally perfect to achieve that. I also feel like I deserve to hurt myself over these actions for some weird justice sakes as I feel like if someone does something bad they deserve to be punished for it to make things fair so I intentionally punish myself to make it fair.

But I am getting tired of having to suffer so much from the guilt, shame, self-loathing, paranoia and anxiety but I still want to be the best person I can be. I don't want to cause pain onto myself but I feel like I have to not hurt others so how can I avoid hurting myself or others and to improve myself as much as possible without hating myself and being paranoid about what I do?

 

[getoutgirl]

That's a huge question I share and I have no solution for, all I can say is I relate a lot. I've engaged self punishing behaviors since I was a child (breaking my toys, not eating, self harm and so on) whenever I did something wrong, even if minor, even if no one noticed. so yep.
You are pretty spot on and I'd agree that it comes from a place of valuing your worth entirely on what you can provide for others. And if you can't make up for a mistake well then justice must come down from somewhere, might aswell be a razor. It does "make it fair" in your mind for a while, but in my experience never enough. So like you say it just floods your body with guilt and shame and panic and hate and all those great forever drowning sensations to sort of make up for it, forever.

I don't think there is a way to be morally perfect, so I don't think thats the way out of that. If anything, something points me to maybe finding a life worth living for your own that doesn't depend entirely on pleasing others. That wouldn't get rid of all the guilt, but it would change the focus and lenses maybe enough. How to do that? -> Yes

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I've always been curious and of course you don't have to answer this, but what exactly is your definition of making a mistake? Is it hurting someone physically or mentally? Or is it accidentally losing your keys? And would you consider it a mistake if someone else did it or is it just because it's you?

You know we are all going to say that you're way too hard on yourself. You suffer enough as it is.

 

[Namelesa]

I've always been curious and of course you don't have to answer this, but what exactly is your definition of making a mistake? Is it hurting someone physically or mentally? Or is it accidentally losing your keys? And would you consider it a mistake if someone else did it or is it just because it's you?

You know we are all going to say that you're way too hard on yourself. You suffer enough as it is.

In this context I mean a mistake that causes more of a negative effect than a positive to others that don't deserve it. If me accidentally losing my keys only hurt me in this instance I won't feel guilty about it cus its just negatively effecting me. I would also consider it a mistake if others did something negative to someone but I won't be bothered by much actions as I am more forgiving. I just don't know how forgiving others are so I need to be the best I can be and not do any mistakes as to not risk hurting others too much to the point of them outright not liking me.

But me suffering isn't an excuse for me to do bad actions right? If I need to suffer more to not do bad things so be it.

 

[derpyderpins]

Think about a mistake in isolation. If someone else made that mistake, how would you treat them? If they felt really bad, and wanted to do better, what would you say? I assume you would be nicer to them.

It's not that easy to be nice and forgiving to yourself. The purpose of the above isn't to fix it, it's to first acknowledge that you aren't treating yourself how you would someone else, so you know - objectively - that the guilt is misplaced, or at minimum disproportionate. Then, start trying to treat yourself a little better, maybe as well as you'd treat a stranger.

I wrote much more on this here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/goal-learn-to-love-yourself-how-to-start.173645/

 

[NoPoint2Life]

In this context I mean a mistake that causes more of a negative effect than a positive to others that don't deserve it. If me accidentally losing my keys only hurt me in this instance I won't feel guilty about it cus its just negatively effecting me. I would also consider it a mistake if others did something negative to someone but I won't be bothered by much actions as I am more forgiving. I just don't know how forgiving others are so I need to be the best I can be and not do any mistakes as to not risk hurting others too much to the point of them outright not liking me.

But me suffering isn't an excuse for me to do bad actions right? If I need to suffer more to not do bad things so be it.

Everyone makes a genuine mistake once in a while. You strike me as someone who doesn't want the wrong thing said to you and you make sure to be extra careful that you don't offend others to not make them or yourself feel bad. I have to pay attention to how sarcastic I can be because that can come off of wrong.
And you are trapped in your own little bubble there. So how could you possibly say or do things that would negatively affect people so much? Even if it's just on here, you've been nothing but kind.
Making yourself suffer to prevent yourself from doing even more of these so-called bad things is not necessary either. Learn from any mistakes you actually have made and move on.

 

[Namelesa]

I don't think there is a way to be morally perfect, so I don't think thats the way out of that. If anything, something points me to maybe finding a life worth living for your own that doesn't depend entirely on pleasing others. That wouldn't get rid of all the guilt, but it would change the focus and lenses maybe enough. How to do that? -> Yes

I feel like thats impossible for me due to how I see life and death and that nothing in life compares to pleasing other people and them valuing you in some way for me. Everything else feeling so much less compared to that.

Think about a mistake in isolation. If someone else made that mistake, how would you treat them? If they felt really bad, and wanted to do better, what would you say? I assume you would be nicer to them.

It's not that easy to be nice and forgiving to yourself. The purpose of the above isn't to fix it, it's to first acknowledge that you aren't treating yourself how you would someone else, so you know - objectively - that the guilt is misplaced, or at minimum disproportionate. Then, start trying to treat yourself a little better, maybe as well as you'd treat a stranger.

I wrote much more on this here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/goal-learn-to-love-yourself-how-to-start.173645/

I will read what you said in your thread but to just to respond to this reply:

Sure I do act nicer to others but often times others don't act the same way towards me and put me under more scrutiny or more likely to respond with actions that hurt me more such as them leaving me which I all want to avoid as much as possible. I feel like I need to put myself under that same scrutiny and constantly fear those consequences other people can potentially do to me so I don't make mistakes. Maybe I act too forgiving I don't know.

Everyone makes a genuine mistake once in a while. You strike me as someone who doesn't want the wrong thing said to you and you make sure to be extra careful that you don't offend others to not make them or yourself feel bad. I have to pay attention to how sarcastic I can be because that can come off of wrong.
And you are trapped in your own little bubble there. So how could you possibly say or do things that would negatively affect people so much? Even if it's just on here, you've been nothing but kind.
Making yourself suffer to prevent yourself from doing even more of these so-called bad things is not necessary either. Learn from any mistakes you actually have made and move on.

I feel like if I move on from previous mistakes and don't hate myself for it, I am just going to do them again especially if I am in really intense pain myself as then I am much more impulsive and less think of others. I have done terrible things that should never ever happen to begin with so I do this to constantly remember what I did so I don't do it again even in those times of intense pain. I fear I will lose control of myself and do something selfish and bad if I don't continue to do this but its so much pain for me as well.

 

[derpyderpins]

I will read what you said in your thread but to just to respond to this reply:

Sure I do act nicer to others but often times others don't act the same way towards me and put me under more scrutiny or more likely to respond with actions that hurt me more such as them leaving me which I all want to avoid as much as possible. I feel like I need to put myself under that same scrutiny and constantly fear those consequences other people can potentially do to me so I don't make mistakes. Maybe I act too forgiving I don't know.

People are flawed. Do you think it's good to leave people for mistakes rather than malice? Do you think that level of scrutiny is appropriate? Again, remove yourself from it. Would you leave someone for that?

I'm very forgiving, and trusting, to what I would call a fault, but some tell me is actually a good thing, so I think I understand you at least a bit here. I'd always prefer to err on the side of being too forgiving, personally.

idk, I'm old now, but my instinct - honed by experience - is that someone giving it their best deserves a break, even if their best comes up short, or they mess up in a bad way. We need guilt to learn behavior to avoid, but we also need to be able to forgive ourselves and let ourselves try again.

 

[anonymouswebuser]

Something you'll have to accept is: You'll never be perfect because you're human
You can't be perfect in anything it's just human nature and life is all about messing things up because in reality you'll never learn anything if you insist that you mustn't make a mistake
We were born to keep making mistakes over and over again and the only thing that varies is how people react to it.
Both feel guilt but some view it as a way to learn from it and others just beat themselves up for it and that really won't fix things it'll just make you hate yourself if you make any error which is pretty unhelpful in a life full of error
We'll always keep making mistakes, it's not in our hands to just choose to never make a mistake ever again, if that was possible the world would've been so much better.
Punishment is useless if it doesn't make you actually learn from your mistakes and just makes you hate yourself even more that's not the point of it
I believe punishment is there if you repeat the same mistake mindlessly and it shouldn't be something too harsh either also getting those feelings of constant anxiety, guilt and shame are a punishment on their own
Obviously it's not easy to recall this when you need to because if it's that easy I wouldn't have to say it and I need to listen to my own advice as well but I hope you remember your case is normal you just have to be a little less harsher with yourself because you can't change your nature and that's totally fine you should feel helpless if it's something you can actually change

 

[Cloud Busting]

I've been practicing self compassion.

To me, every living thing is interconnected. We're all stardust, we're all matter, and I view myself as a reflection of others. If I hurt myself, I'm hurting every living thing around me as we're all one. Most of our land is ocean, much of our bodies are water. We're all connected to this beautiful earth. Respecting myself is respecting the earth, honouring it in a sense.

When I fret over mistakes, I become overly selfish because all I'm thinking about is how bad I am. I have to be forgiving so I can open myself up to others and not close myself off as us humans don't exist in a vacuum. If I cannot forgive myself, I find myself repeating mistakes because it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that I'm bad, so I may as well keep behaving badly. When I'm wrapped up in my own suffering, I forget we all struggle collectively, as the core of life is suffering.

That you are so terrified of hurting others and want to hold yourself accountable puts yourself above many others. Do consider that. If you intend to do better, and know you'll do better, why punish yourself? Being kind to yourself doesn't have to be a dead end where you never improve because you accept yourself as is. Keep that in mind. I always do.

 

[Haematemesis]

this is a deep subject and i hope you figure it out because i never did
good luck