How badly have I messed up?

[Stan]

How fucked off at myself am I at the moment? Hugely! if anyone know my writing, you know i don't swear o, curse or use bad language. tried to find an alternative word - none to be found, so i kept it simple.

I did my last farewell tour tonight, I expect to go go somewhere in the first week of December. Why, because I think of myself as a predominantly logical person. I can't share the pain of those who have been diagnosed with a specific condition. Do I have one? Perhaps I do and live in denial, perhaps I don't and this really is a logical conclusion for me. Either way, it makes no difference. I describe myself sometimes as 90% logic and 10% emotion, I am sure people may change those figures for themselves, but when I came to this life ending decision, it was mainly logic. I quote myself "what does two plus two make?", the answer is always the same. My 'two's' are my story. i feel no need to share them or have them held up to scrutiny. I won't pretend to fully understand yours so why do the dishonour of reading a snippet of mine and responding with some rubbish platitude? The two plus two will come up again later.

My farewell tour involved meeting up with people that I would consider true friends. i have done a few with different level of emotions from me, ranging from 'damn this is hard' to 'hey, maybe I didn't really care for them after all'. Each one was designed in my own way to say goodbye. Better than a letter. i had ghosted these people for a year or two in some cases, just thought a proper goodbye was in order. My toughest one was tonight. Knew it. Saw it coming and still walked in with eyes wide open. Just aiming for a fun night out, have some laughs and reminisce on some old times. Did very well up to the point that everyone left to go home apart from my oldest friend in the world. Someone who I have known for over 40 years, been through good times and a couple of bad times. No judgement because we both knew we were good at heart.

The bastard shot me with a laser beam straight to the heart as soon as we were alone. "What's going on with you?" I t wasn't a casual question, we know each other, we know that particular tone of voice is only used when we know the other is hiding something. So within a space of 15 minutes to keep a story short, my whole plan came out. The most stupidest thing I could ever do. The 10% emotion took over and the 90% logic was a casual bystander just throwing in the occasional fact. What the hell have I just done? I just put my oldest friend in the worst position ever with this knowledge and put myself at risk of being incarcerated. imagine two old guys crying in a bar at midnight - I don't have to, I was there.

I orchestrated a great day with a really nice meal that I paid for. My goodbye token to them. In the space of minutes I completely screwed up the rules of 'Suicide Club' by talking about suicide. So here I am torn between two worlds. Will my friend snitch on me? Have I just given someone the most unimaginable burden to carry? Both could be true. Twice in two weeks I have been close to doing the stat version and going. Tonight is damn strong. Why not? Kids are hundreds of miles away in university. I want to time it when they are home together. Does tonight look tempting and just do a delayed email for a months time? it sure does. One of the things I said tonight to my friend in response to some platitudes was "If I went missing for a month, who would notice?" No answer. Part of my "two plus two" equation.

For some reason some people call me arrogant here. If I have decided to research the way I exit and share my findings with the forum, it disappoints me to hear that. One of the premises of this place is to share knowledge of a method to help ensure people do not go through unnecessary discomfort. I feel honoured when people reach out in private for a bunch of reasons from helping them with their plans to being company in their last hours. You really do not know the amount of people that have passed in private and not made a post on this forum. They want the same as us in most. Not to leave this world without anyone recognising that someone has gone. To be afraid at a time that you may feel your most lonely. To be something to someone just for a moment and feel that you are someone. At times I feel i have to explain to people why I am here. It's either my sense of humour or sometimes the way I write. In essence, I am a damaged human, I don't really need to add to that. Do I hurt when I see something wrong? Yes. My zealousness is not arrogance, its a protectiveness I feel for this place. Can I miss my target. Yes, not fallible, I am a human like all of you. Do I hit? Oh Yes, it saddens me when I see people obviously working on the vulnerable and members don't stand up and say "Hey!!!!".

Why am I writing this? Well I am extremely drunk. Took an opioid which I am completely astounded that I even know where the keyboard is never mind typing and probably come to the end of my tether now in a lot of things. I feel I have done my best to outline a fairly simple method to help current and future members. I have had the honour of being with people both in public and private in their last journey. I have had some scrapes and I have had some laughs. Not a phrase commonly used here but life goes on.

I wish everyone well. We all start as 'newbies' and end as 'gonebiess. It's probable that I have reached the end of my road. Mistake tonight is making me really think of my time frame and that thought has not left me for a while now which is troubling.

One last gif perhaps. Maybe I am a clown at times, but perhaps this is how I am tonight.

 

[reapandsow918]

I feel you. I get extremely down and sad at times then joyful and happy to know that I can end it. Did you end up being hospitalized?

Please keep in mind that you have been the light for others in times of darkness. You have helped people end their suffering when they needed help the most.

 

[Dubs]

I would separate out an emergency ctb supply with everything you need. If your primary supplies get confiscated by family/police at least you can relax knowing you have a good way out.

 

[LMLN]

I'm not sure how it is in the UK. But where I am if the police show up you just say you are fine. They cannot take you away unless you say you are going to hurt yourself or there is some evidence of that.
We have not talked much here but I have read many of your posts. Thank you for everything you have done here. And all the advice and encouragement for people feeling down and frustrated. You have been a light here in a dark place for many.
I'm sorry you are struggling tonight. I'm sorry your last evening with friends was not what you expected.

 

[Fallen leaf]

Stan this is heart wrenching. I hsve best friend just like yours whom i have known for 40 years. He knows i am in dark place and tries to be natural around me i have aa much comminication as possible becaise i have the same fear as what has just happened to you. My heart goes out to you.
I cannot really offer any advice other than having an emergency stash. Thats what i am doing today after reading this.

 

[Uninspired]

i feel you... its hard to understand the thought process of "normal" people in situations like that. i would love to give you an advice in regards to your friend but sadly im in the same boat as you with the logic/emotion ratio which isnt helpful at all in situations like that. You probably have to start a conversation with him again as the damage is already done. i hope that he can handle the situation well and wish you all the luck.

 

[BPD_LE]

Awwww @Stan It's OK, don't panic. We can sort this. Also you are far from arrogant! You are a kind, compassionate, genuine human being. So some people don't get your sense of humour, who cares? You make me laugh out loud and believe me, that's hard to do! Get some sleep now. I'll PM you in the morning

 

[justwhy?]

God i don't i don't know what to say but you're the last person at SS i'd want to insult with platitudes or chastise for arrogance. I can't really imagine this place without you; both your dedication to providing quality yet concise information and your quips have been integral to my experience here. You are a stalwart but your mathematical grounding is limited... "If I went missing for a month, who would notice" - I bloody well would and doubtless countless others too! What's your formula for that? Quite reasonably I'm sure you care not for these inscrutable algebraic convolutions, but that 10% is, ironically, the stuff of life's magic.

To the matter at hand: as some have suggested, stash your stuff, then if anyone comes calling: DENY, DENY, DENY.

Final edit: sickeningly, I have given you a hug emoticon. I have debased myself and surrendered my dignity, just to have you around a while longer.

 

[Essence]

I don't know you Stan, I have not been here long and we have not talked. In this short time frame however, the posts I have read by you, your advice, your forthcoming yet honorable sincerity, is very obvious and comforting. I am sorry things did not go to plan, but then, life just does not go to plan huh. Maybe it happened for a reason. Good, bad, indifferent, it is what it is now. Yes perhaps talk with him again, see what follow up communication might result in. Thinking of you Stan at this time. Bestest of luck.

 

[BPD_LE]

"If I went missing for a month, who would notice" - I bloody well would and doubtless countless others too!

Yes this! If you suddenly went missing from us @Stan we'd have a new megathread!

 

[JimFord99]

Hey Stan, you are one of the strongholds of this forum, not a clown. You are definitely not arrogant. I sincerely hope you are OK. Being drunk is a good way to vent, take it easy, buddy. You are still needed here, bare that in mind.

 

[noctiva]

Hei @Stan, I hear you. I have made the same mistake 2 weeks ago. I talked to my best friend, I told her I will kill myself. I hated myself for it instantly, because she doesn't need that kind of knowledge/ burden in advance. But I wanted her to know, she has tried to commit suicide twice in her life before and she was really down two years ago, telling me about her plans. So I thought, maybe she'd be okay with it, maybe it would be okay if I told someone, someone I can actually talk to in real life, not just here, online to strangers. Someone who understands me, knows my mental history, my life story better than anyone but me, someone who knows the people involved and why I feel I need to die.

She made a bit of a mess at first, so I needed to go to the work mental health person and say that I'm okay, that was it. It was no big deal and to be fair, I didn't care.

She has since them kind of made peace with it, somewhat. She has asked me questions (I don't share method or time to be sure) but the questions seem more for herself, to prepare herself mentally, rather than anything else. I appreciate her and her effort to somehow relate. She will be the only person who might miss me, and it feels good that she knows, that she had ample warning and that she used the time to make peace with it. I think that's one of the things that helps people in countries where euthanasia is legal. Their loved one can tell them that they will die on this and that date, and then people can grieve and ask questions while that person is still alive.. It's like an interactive note, where information can flow both ways, understanding, love and compassion can be exchanged, also anger and frustration. That, I think, is the way it should be, ideally, if you could not be locked up for expressing such an insane idea in this society.

 

[Heart of Ice]

For some reason some people call me arrogant here.

You are pretty humble in my opinion. Like IRL I'm probably way more arrogant than you! Annoying with forced humor, sure sometimes, but arrogant, no. I wish you well.

 

[SoupSnakes]

From the short time I've been on this forum and the long time I've been lurking, I can say everything you've described is incorrect. I don't know you but from reading your posts you're far from arrogant. You've been one of the most informative people for me on here, making what could be a very confusing time really quite simple.

It's obvious you have a bit of a sense of humour about you that maybe people don't get and you're very to the point which I think people take the wrong way.

I may be no one to you but just know, you're definitely someone to me. And based on the rest of the posts above mine, you're definitely someone to a lot of people. So thank you for that.

Also, the whole thing about 'being taken away', I'm not sure if you mean by police or mental health professionals but either way, they can't just do that. I had something similar happen to me when I fucked up and said something too soon. Police showed up at my door, put on a smiley face and said I was fine and had no plans. Off they went and didn't see them again. My mental health team wanted to section me.. let's just say it's really easy to talk your way out of it if you can keep your nerve.

I hope you managed to get some sleep and are feeling better this morning. My PM is always open if you feel you need someone to reach out to.

 

[Are you lost too?]

Oh @Stan, it makes me really sad to know you're in such a dark place right now.
Don't beaut yourself up!! These kind of things happen, we're all humans after all.

I really admire you for your dedication to the forum and,despite these really rough times, you've always made me laugh. A lot.

hope this situations gets better soon.

 

[Partial-Elf]

I empathize hard with this.

I'd consider calling your friend soon and downplaying it:

"friend, I know I said some crazy things but I was just drunk and have been having a hard time this past week or so. I scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist this week to get my medications tweaked and tell them I'm struggling."

Of course, success depends on how much you shared and how well you lie. But the call would also give you the chance to feel out what friend is likely to do.

 

[Whitewash11235814]

You are pretty humble in my opinion. Like IRL I'm probably way more arrogant than you! Annoying with forced humor, sure sometimes, but arrogant, no. I wish you well.

"Annoying with forced humor."

Annoying? What did the guy do other than help and express his individuality?

I don't know but some people I don't get. I typically never find individuality annoying as long as it doesn't put others down.

 

[CaptainT]

I empathize hard with this.

I'd consider calling your friend soon and downplaying it:

"friend, I know I said some crazy things but I was just drunk and have been having a hard time this past week or so. I scheduled an appointment with my psychiatrist this week to get my medications tweaked and tell them I'm struggling."

Of course, success depends on how much you shared and how well you lie. But the call would also give you the chance to feel out what friend is likely to do.

Agree, solid plan, even text your mate to say "That was the booze talking. Going to GP tomorrow and changing for new meds" etc

Really hope you're ok today @Stan . Am having a shitty day too because of delaying my CTB

 

[LMFAO FOCKERS]

@Stan perhaps my post may not make sense to you. However what I'm typing feels right so I'll just say sorry in advance (just in case.)


I am just like you in regard to being 90% logic, 10% emotion. Maybe even more so like 95%/5%.

There is a reason I dont show up for goodbye threads nor will I do one myself:

• I imagine people who never gave two chits about my prior posts, will show up wishing me goodbye. In that sense I picture a bunch of ghouls rising up from the dead showing up feeling as if they are doing their "obligatory duty".

• I also imagine noone will respond or maybe 1-2 people will show up and then I'll know how hated / useless I was. Not because I was a horrible person but maybe because I am just too brash. Maybe people just see me as some annoying know-it-all who doesn't get them. And they might be right in the sense that I may not fully get them. I am mostly devoid of deep empathetic emotion. I can only mimic what is known as the "right" thing to say; but it often feels disingenuous to do unless I feel deeply connected to you. So I instead proceed with my inclination toward rational logic hoping that my response would be an equally helpful counterbalance toward the plethora of expected and desired responses of expressed empathy.

• Or maybe the few people that do matter will show up and say (or do) something meaningless that totally negated their intended sentiment (in my mind.) But in theirs they feel as if they've done the best they could and were there for me 'til the end.

FYI - I often watch CTB threads in silence just because I hope my presence is felt in some weird way. Someone recently CTB'd and I really wanted to post something b/c they touched me at one point. However I chose not to. Instead I sat silent and cried. Maybe to that person (or the person reading this) that makes no difference. However, to me it did in a big way because I rarely cry for anyone.

I'm not sure if any of this will resonate with you but these are just a snippet of the things going through people's minds. These are just some of the thoughts they will never share with you.

 

[Lethe]

Stan, like you, I'm mostly ruled by the rational mind, so I rarely can think of the right things to say in emotionally-charged threads like these. All I can say is that you're a pillar of the community, and SS would be a lot dumber and darker without you around.

Like others have said, I'm sure there are ways you can talk yourself out of this situation should any whitecoats turn up at your doorstep, just don't make the face in your avatar. Here's hoping that the reason you haven't posted since the OP is because you're just hungover.

 

[jgm63]

We love you Stan

 

[Heart of Ice]

"Annoying with forced humor."

Annoying? What did the guy do other than help and express his individuality?

I don't know but some people I don't get. I typically never find individuality annoying as long as it doesn't put others down.

I mainly find some of his humor a bit juvenile... humor is an acquired taste after all. I still like the guy, don't get me wrong.

 

[BPD_LE]

I mainly find some of his humor a bit juvenile... humor is an acquired taste after all. I still like the guy, don't get me wrong.

It's cool, people have different sense of humours that's all. No problems, you have a right to your opinion and it's respected

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I hope you're still with us Stan. Got drunk and emotional and made a mistake - how I can identify with that! It's never straight forward is it?

Everyone else has said it already, but I'll add my voice. If it's taken as platitudes, tough.
You are valued here. Your humour, compassion, knowledge, research. You've left a lasting contribution to the site and helped many on the same road.
You've made me laugh when I'm lying here in bed in pain.
You've been a voice of reason.

You can sort this out, sober up, stay calm and explain to your friend.

 

[Whitewash11235814]

I mainly find some of his humor a bit juvenile... humor is an acquired taste after all. I still like the guy, don't get me wrong.

context/timing + deliverance.

 

[Jean4]

@Stan I am in tears now. You know how I feel about you. I don't know what to say. I am here for you always should you need me.
@Stan. I am now going through Kubler-Ross' stages of dying. Please don't leave this way. Please don't go without me being able to say goodbye to you. We all love you, and you know how I feel. We aren't trying to stop you. But not in this way.

 

[MaybeMaybeKnot]

I think it's safe to say we all stan @Stan. It pains me to see you in such distress. You are obviously a very logical person. Perhaps once the alcohol wears off and you've had time to process everything, you can formulate a plan. Whatever happens, we love you.

 

[LMLN]

I hope you are still here @Stan. I hope you did not leave in such distress.

 

[ImmaMacGuffin]

I, too hope you are still here, @Stan. Perhaps this friend you've had for decades actually understands an individual's right to choice...and respects what brought you to your decision.

 

[truthseeker]

Im my few short months on this site whether lurking or participating, you Stan were one of the first people that stood out to me. Your research, gentle hand and good sense of humor have been a beacon to not only myself but many others. Arrogant is the last thing that comes to mind when I read your contributions. A sensitive, intelligent human being with goodwill in your heart who cares about others and only tries to help is what comes to my mind. The fact that you have been able to do these things while facing and making decisions in your own life says a lot about you as a person. I for one have greatly appreciated and benefited from it and it's apparent other members feel the same. We're here for you too, Stan.