How are you working up the courage to CTB?

[skylight7]

There is a mainstream news publication that reports CTBs that make news. I envy those that have had the courage to do it. I think knowing and having access to a preferred method and its success rate would help. I don't know which is best for me yet. How are you working up the courage to CTB? Also, how and why did you choose your preferred method?

Thank you.

 

[attheend13]

There is a mainstream news publication that reports CTBs that make news. I envy those that have had the courage to do it. I think knowing and having access to a preferred method and its success rate would help. How are you working up the courage to CTB?

Thank you.

Research is key. I have had maybe 10 attempts in my life. Most were pills, the first time I took a big family size extra strength tylenol along with whatever i could find in the medicine cabinet. Almost lost my liver, in fact the medication to treat the liver almost killed me, such as sad word: almost. Funny huh? It is actually. If i had died that day it would have been better for everyone. Anyway, I don't try anymore, if I do it it will be sure. Jump off a building that is enough stories tall or a gun, but I'm in Canada not so easy to get. I get the courage to do it by living my tiny useless worthless life and ever day, the people around me remind me how much of a burden i am, what a failure and how i am letting them down. A little each day i give up, when the clock finally winds down, i hope i was able to get that gun on that day. Then everyone will say, what a selfish b**tch i am or was. See part of the courage is facing that the fantasy of people weepong over your death is just that, they will hate you, they will call you selfish, and they will not miss you. They will hate you. So, courage comes in bits, a disappointed look, tears from those who you have let down or your mental illness has affected. In bits, it comes.

 

[kittyswift]

im thinking of completely ruining my life even more so i have nothing to come back to if i back out. quit my job, donate all my things, destroy all my relationships. things like that. still unsure about which method yet though

 

[Forever Sleep]

I haven't actually attempted yet so, I can't speak from experience. I think it's entirely possible though that I may reach a point where the prospect of living is scary enough to make me risk trying to die.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I made a solid plan and am taking it one step at a time. When I have everything ready, I don't know if I will have many attempts where I just sit and stare into nothingness and decide to do it "tomorrow", or if I go through with it once and for all. But right now it's just one step at a time.

 

[ramon]

Although N2 has been highlighted by news outlets, law enforcement agencies, veterinarians, NGOs and even this same forum as one of the safest and least painful ways to CTB, I still can't shake off my biggest fear: Surviving and/or becoming a vegetable.

To cope with such fears, I've been following any past and current news on the cases of Kenneth Eugene Smith, Alan Eugene Miller, and Carey Dale Grayson.

Since the aforementioned cases are being carried out by government officials, the results can (at least, partially) provide me reassurance needed to do what I've chosen to do.

 

[ayanti]

Knowing that I'm slowly messing up everything in my life and myself.

 

[purpleuser]

There is a mainstream news publication that reports CTBs that make news. I envy those that have had the courage to do it. I think knowing and having access to a preferred method and its success rate would help. I don't know which is best for me yet. How are you working up the courage to CTB? Also, how and why did you choose your preferred method?

Thank you.

I haven't developed my method yet, but I'm sure I'll resort to jumping from a great height. For courage, I can drink myself into oblivion and I'll only need one impulse.

 

[cutiepatootiew/rizz]

I haven't developed my method yet, but I'm sure I'll resort to jumping from a great height. For courage, I can drink myself into oblivion and I'll only need one impulse.

I have a bucket list of things I would like to do before I CTB.

Learn jumpstyle

get a large social media following

get snakebites

get a job

get my desired tattoos

move to Japan

make a trip to Aokigahara

I have a bucket list of things I would like to do before I CTB.

Learn jumpstyle

get a large social media following

get snakebites

get a job

get my desired tattoos

move to Japan

make a trip to Aokigahara

However I already have one of my tattoos I want.

 

[skylight7]

Research is key. I have had maybe 10 attempts in my life. Most were pills, the first time I took a big family size extra strength tylenol along with whatever i could find in the medicine cabinet. Almost lost my liver, in fact the medication to treat the liver almost killed me, such as sad word: almost. Funny huh? It is actually. If i had died that day it would have been better for everyone. Anyway, I don't try anymore, if I do it it will be sure. Jump off a building that is enough stories tall or a gun, but I'm in Canada not so easy to get. I get the courage to do it by living my tiny useless worthless life and ever day, the people around me remind me how much of a burden i am, what a failure and how i am letting them down. A little each day i give up, when the clock finally winds down, i hope i was able to get that gun on that day. Then everyone will say, what a selfish b**tch i am or was. See part of the courage is facing that the fantasy of people weepong over your death is just that, they will hate you, they will call you selfish, and they will not miss you. They will hate you. So, courage comes in bits, a disappointed look, tears from those who you have let down or your mental illness has affected. In bits, it comes.

Thank you for your response. I hear you. Your last sentence really sums it up. So true.

im thinking of completely ruining my life even more so i have nothing to come back to if i back out. quit my job, donate all my things, destroy all my relationships. things like that. still unsure about which method yet though

Thanks for responding. I feel that completely.

I haven't actually attempted yet so, I can't speak from experience. I think it's entirely possible though that I may reach a point where the prospect of living is scary enough to make me risk trying to die.

Thanks for responding. I relate to what you are said all the way.

 

[CantDoIt]

Hmm ... Scrolling this website to reinforce the idea.

 

[skylight7]

I made a solid plan and am taking it one step at a time. When I have everything ready, I don't know if I will have many attempts where I just sit and stare into nothingness and decide to do it "tomorrow", or if I go through with it once and for all. But right now it's just one step at a time.

I really like your one step at a time approach. I am going to adopt that approach. There is something comforting about taking it one step at a time. Thank you for your insight.

 

[skylight7]

I have a bucket list of things I would like to do before I CTB.

Learn jumpstyle

get a large social media following

get snakebites

get a job

get my desired tattoos

move to Japan

make a trip to Aokigahara

However I already have one of my tattoos I want.

That should keep you around for a while.

 

[landslide2]

i no longer see it as working up the courage, but rather coming to peace with it

 

[Trav1989]

im thinking of completely ruining my life even more so i have nothing to come back to if i back out. quit my job, donate all my things, destroy all my relationships. things like that. still unsure about which method yet though

That's a good way to manage it but make sure you have an out before you commit to such a path. Regardless, life has a way of throwing curveballs at you regardless so it doesn't take much to do so, if any effort at all.

 

[Booman]

I just keep reminding myself that death will come anyways so I'll have to face it whether or not I ctb.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm just relying on life to make me miserable enough to where I'll be desperate enough to risk a ctb attempt. Right now I'm avoiding trying to ctb because I'm a person who follows the path of least resistance and right now the path of least resistance is to indulge in mindless escapism. Soon, the path of least resistance will actually be suicide due to how life gets exponentially harder as an adult. I'm just waiting for that point and I feel like it should happen after the second academic year of my university ends. I would ctb right now as there isn't anything in life that I like or want to do but I'm too mentally weak to go through a brutal suicide method (I can't access the more peaceful suicide methods due to having no autonomy).

It's so unfair that euthanasia is illegal. It makes me rage and boil up inside. I loathe pro lifers with all of my strength because of how I'm forced to go through so much effort just to die. It's so unfair that I'm forced to go through so many challenges when I never even consented into existence. Even ctb has a lot of challenges behind it thanks to society restricting suicide methods. Human beings are a plague and I hate humanity. Humans deserve to be extinct

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

Pills don't work, took a load once, ended up in the poisons unit, being fed pavolex.

 

[shironeko]

Knowing that life ain't gonna be better, and everything I tried is worthless. Then I took pills.

 

[Trav1989]

I just keep reminding myself that death will come anyways so I'll have to face it whether or not I ctb.

Yep, nobody avoids death. Life is a gamble and you win or you lose and I figure that after losing enough it's time to call it quits. Sure, you can continue on and you might get good results but eventually you run out of options. When there are more cons than pros in your life and that's been the case for years it's honestly harder to continue than it is to CTB, at least for me.

Sure, those last few moments may or may not be filled with regret but when you've suffered countless defeats and a handful of victories what regret can you even muster up in your head to think about that will make you second guess things?

What? The miniscule chance that things may improve? For how long?

 

[Anon7b8]

Frankly, I'm terrified to CTB. I've had my SN for more than a year now. My plan is just to wait for fears of reality, and life whichever comes first, to push me to the brink of actually overcoming my SI and brave through the act. Hopeless as it may seem, hope is the guide to either happiness or despair.

 

[hopemeetshopeless]

Finding this website was a good start. From what I've experienced you have to find the others. You have to find people as depressed or mentally ill as you. You can't talk to mentally healthy ppl about these things. They will gaslight you and do mental gymnastics to invalidate your thoughts and feelings to no end. R/depression r/suicidewatch were my go to before finding out this site. I went to the gun store 2 hours ago. I already bought a 12 GA shotgun a couple months ago with shells. Had full intentions of ctb. Put the loaded gun in my mouth several times in a course of a week. Never pulled the trigger. I still don't know why. I think it's just the biological hardwiring we have. Our most basic human instinct is survival. You can be 1000% sincere in your desire to end it all. For me, at least, idk I guess I'm just a pussy but every part of me Intellectually wanted to not be alive, but I couldn't do it. I tricked myself into giving my gun to my roommate to hold onto cus talked to him about what's been going on finally. I tricked myself into thinking that talking to someone meant I could change. I was wrong. I only got worse. I went back to the gun store today. Sat outside staring at it listening to the downward spiral by nine inch nails on repeat. Couldn't walk in. I think it's more the anxiety and hand the depression actually keeping me from buying a gun again. Then there's just the normal daily mental illness, depression and anxiety+ PTSD trauma the list goes on. As if that wasn't enough of a reason. I have more reasons than any possible person could possibly logically need to move forward at this point. I just have to stop being a pussy and accept that this is my fate.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I'm pretty impulsive so I've never had much issue with it

 

[skylight7]

Finding this website was a good start. From what I've experienced you have to find the others. You have to find people as depressed or mentally ill as you. You can't talk to mentally healthy ppl about these things. They will gaslight you and do mental gymnastics to invalidate your thoughts and feelings to no end. R/depression r/suicidewatch were my go to before finding out this site. I went to the gun store 2 hours ago. I already bought a 12 GA shotgun a couple months ago with shells. Had full intentions of ctb. Put the loaded gun in my mouth several times in a course of a week. Never pulled the trigger. I still don't know why. I think it's just the biological hardwiring we have. Our most basic human instinct is survival. You can be 1000% sincere in your desire to end it all. For me, at least, idk I guess I'm just a pussy but every part of me Intellectually wanted to not be alive, but I couldn't do it. I tricked myself into giving my gun to my roommate to hold onto cus talked to him about what's been going on finally. I tricked myself into thinking that talking to someone meant I could change. I was wrong. I only got worse. I went back to the gun store today. Sat outside staring at it listening to the downward spiral by nine inch nails on repeat. Couldn't walk in. I think it's more the anxiety and hand the depression actually keeping me from buying a gun again. Then there's just the normal daily mental illness, depression and anxiety+ PTSD trauma the list goes on. As if that wasn't enough of a reason. I have more reasons than any possible person could possibly logically need to move forward at this point. I just have to stop being a pussy and accept that this is my fate.

Thanks for your reply. I hear you. I wish I had a gun or SN as options but I don't own a gun and SN seems impossible to get. Crazy how hard governments make it for people to be CTB if they choose to do so.

I'm pretty impulsive so I've never had much issue with it

I envy that

Frankly, I'm terrified to CTB. I've had my SN for more than a year now. My plan is just to wait for fears of reality, and life whichever comes first, to push me to the brink of actually overcoming my SI and brave through the act. Hopeless as it may seem, hope is the guide to either happiness or despair.

So very true.

Yep, nobody avoids death. Life is a gamble and you win or you lose and I figure that after losing enough it's time to call it quits. Sure, you can continue on and you might get good results but eventually you run out of options. When there are more cons than pros in your life and that's been the case for years it's honestly harder to continue than it is to CTB, at least for me.

Sure, those last few moments may or may not be filled with regret but when you've suffered countless defeats and a handful of victories what regret can you even muster up in your head to think about that will make you second guess things?

What? The miniscule chance that things may improve? For how long?

Thanks for your reply. You said what I have experienced, think, and feel. I couldn't have said it better. So thank you for saying this.

Knowing that life ain't gonna be better, and everything I tried is worthless. Then I took pills.

I hear you on that.

 

[Adamsnolife]

Working on the fact that this is the right decision. The hardest decision to do as it successfully, there Is no coming back. For the time to do it , I'll do it before I change my mind.

 

[skylight7]

Pills don't work, took a load once, ended up in the poisons unit, being fed pavolex.

Sheesh. Yeah, that sucks.

I'm just relying on life to make me miserable enough to where I'll be desperate enough to risk a ctb attempt. Right now I'm avoiding trying to ctb because I'm a person who follows the path of least resistance and right now the path of least resistance is to indulge in mindless escapism. Soon, the path of least resistance will actually be suicide due to how life gets exponentially harder as an adult. I'm just waiting for that point and I feel like it should happen after the second academic year of my university ends. I would ctb right now as there isn't anything in life that I like or want to do but I'm too mentally weak to go through a brutal suicide method (I can't access the more peaceful suicide methods due to having no autonomy).

It's so unfair that euthanasia is illegal. It makes me rage and boil up inside. I loathe pro lifers with all of my strength because of how I'm forced to go through so much effort just to die. It's so unfair that I'm forced to go through so many challenges when I never even consented into existence. Even ctb has a lot of challenges behind it thanks to society restricting suicide methods. Human beings are a plague and I hate humanity. Humans deserve to be extinct

Thanks for your response. You articulated the issues around humans, society, and euthanasia, perfectly. So true.

I just keep reminding myself that death will come anyways so I'll have to face it whether or not I ctb.

Very true.

i no longer see it as working up the courage, but rather coming to peace with it

That's an excellent way to see it. Thanks.

I haven't developed my method yet, but I'm sure I'll resort to jumping from a great height. For courage, I can drink myself into oblivion and I'll only need one impulse.

True.

Although N2 has been highlighted by news outlets, law enforcement agencies, veterinarians, NGOs and even this same forum as one of the safest and least painful ways to CTB, I still can't shake off my biggest fear: Surviving and/or becoming a vegetable.

To cope with such fears, I've been following any past and current news on the cases of Kenneth Eugene Smith, Alan Eugene Miller, and Carey Dale Grayson.

Since the aforementioned cases are being carried out by government officials, the results can (at least, partially) provide me reassurance needed to do what I've chosen to do.

I have not heard of those cases. I will look them up. Thanks for the information.

 

[LostinTime24]

There is a mainstream news publication that reports CTBs that make news. I envy those that have had the courage to do it. I think knowing and having access to a preferred method and its success rate would help. I don't know which is best for me yet. How are you working up the courage to CTB? Also, how and why did you choose your preferred method?

Thank you.

I think realizing life and whatever challenges you overcome are all in vain. If your on this forum your perception of life is completely different then those of people who instead live life's of some kind of fullfillment wether of family, kids, career, etc. If your're here trying to understand your situation is ultimately pointless in the grande scheme of things wether it's all your fault someone else genetics fate or whatever living on is ultimately pointless as any way to change your own fate is impossible. Life becomes waking up in thinking to yourself "Is today the day?" And either following through or distracting yourself with something and repeating the process. I'm a crazy person so this probbaly is incoherent but that's it you either except your life has no meaning and take yourself out or kind just deal with expercining the bare minimum.

 

[Just_Another_Person]

I took the decision long ago.

However, the way I see it now is more like a road to rest instead of being miserable until the end, a goodbye video from a girl I knew (and from what I learned in this forum, there is a good possibility she was here) who ctb made me have peace with it. She said she was happy and she looked calm and beautiful, instead of looking horrible in depressed.

Initially I was planning to hang myself since I already knew it was impossible to do it with pills (in general) and cutting wrists, but I was afraid of the pain or worse, that something would go horrible wrong and I would be rescued or get stuck and die of starvation. My plan was almost finished, I already had done my research on ropes, was gonna order the rope and things to put in the ceiling to attach the rope; only thing left was to learn the knot. Searching about it took me here.

Then I learned about SN and oh, that was so fucking good. The chance to not having to suffer excruciating pain until the end and be "sure" it would work...

Now I am waiting for SN to arrive (I already ordered, here it isn't restricted, yay) and the meds I already bought. I'm still indecisive about the date (but not about ctb), could be from mid October of this year (SN should arrive around that time) if I want to "leave in a hurry" until October of the next year. Most probably will be in the first half of April, by that time I already will have "put things in order" and enjoy life a little without dreading about the horrible future that waits me (not that things are "good" now, but ik my future will be so so so so much worse if I stay alive).

Btw, nice topic. It was good writing this and the other replies are interesting!