How anyone else completely fucked their life up because they never intended to live for this long?

[orangepotato]

I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. It makes me unable to plan long term.

 

[Ae54rge]

I'm hoping the process of fucking my life up the longer I'm alive will allow less fight from my SI when I'm able to finally CTB.

You worry me OP as it sounds like you may have already tried this yet to no avail?

 

[Antigonish]

Yes my friend, yes.

In primary school we had to draw images of things we had in mind for our future, or place we'd thought we'd be in life when we grew up. Mines looked very much like this...

 

[sugar]

I fucked up my life because I never intended to live this long, and I don't know what the hell to do to survive now.

And I can't tell if I have a mental illness or THINK I have a mental illness.

The thought of this unjust world sickens me.

I want to form meaningful connections with people. I WANT to trust and be with people but I just can't. Everyone stresses me out. What kind of life is that?

 

[NightmareTour]

It was already fucked, and I never really had a future, but I definitely made it worse with lots of drugs, alcohol and bad decisions. The idea was that it wouldn't matter, but I guess it kind of did.

 

[Wakawaka]

i became an addict and blocked just about everyone i knew because i couldnt imagine living this long, welp....

 

[moonchild]

I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. It makes me unable to plan long term.

Definitely. And I'm with you on not being able to plan. For me I think most of it, if not all, comes down to not having planned anything, because I could never look far enough into the future to even consider what would be good long term.

 

[Homecoming]

I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. It makes me unable to plan long term.

Me too, and I can't/allowed to put the blame on my mentally ill and abusive (sociopath) parents for causing it!

 

[lugerepair]

Yes, I have a hard time planning for the future because I keep thinking I won't be around for it. Yet I'm still around after all this time.

 

[orangepotato]

I'm hoping the process of fucking my life up the longer I'm alive will allow less fight from my SI when I'm able to finally CTB.

You worry me OP as it sounds like you may have already tried this yet to no avail?

Well I've been a heroin addict for 5 years. Been clean for 2 years. But I'm still miserable as hell. I'm thinking that this next year is the year I'll do it. My birthday is Jan 13 and I'll be 34, the same age one of my favorite philosophers - Phillip Mainlander - killed himself.

 

[Bigpink]

I should have died a long time ago. Should never have been born, came early, barely survived, wish I hadn't. I'm not supposed to be here, can't wait to go

 

[fruitbats]

I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. It makes me unable to plan long term.

I was supposed to be dead at 18, two years and three months ago, but I was stopped and my life has only gone downhill from there. Now everything I had, college scholarship and going to school, a decent job, and a boyfriend that was sweeter than I deserved is all gone down the drain (the bf stayed but my mental illness has been giving him heart palpitations and panic attacks lately.) Two years past my expiration date and I can honestly say "it gets better" has been proven so far false that it's not even funny. Suicide will always be thought and focus #1 in my mind until I do it

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Yes, should have died at 18 currently 48. Trying yet again tonight

 

[watereyes]

Every choice I ever made, people told me it would fuck my life up. And guess what, it did.

 

[sadgirl9999]

yes, i spent way too much money (tiny issue in comparison to my other problems but still) so i can't afford to keep getting medical treatment :( and i also pushed away the only people that genuinely cared about me. i was really mean to them on purpose because i wanted them to hate me as much as i hate myself, maybe? now they know how awful i am and how i truly am a burden. i know some ppl think they're burdens but aren't, but i swear i actually am. so i push everyone away and actually hostile until they don't even want to talk to me anymore. but because of that, it'll hurt less for them when i die, so that good

 

[Nicebuddimtim]

Yup never thought I'd see 18 just had my 24th still feel much the same just less radical which is disappointing to be honest

 

[sadworld]

I stopped planning long term a long time ago. It was honestly kinda stupid but I like living day by day.

 

[Sherri]

I also don't have any plans, I live day by day, what made my life a is Depression, make it through the rainy days. It gets so hard sometimes. Ever time I open my windows each morning sometimes the first thing I say , oh no not another day... getting harder and harder.

 

[Moon Flower]

I thought for sure I'd be gone by 18, and then I wasn't, and then I thought for sure I'd be gone by 30. I've still got 8 months before that passes me by though

 

[DockoftheBay]

I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. It makes me unable to plan long term.

Fucked up my life because I was naïve and listened to other people who told me doing things a certain way would be best when it was only them who would benefit. One way to happiness in this world and now I'm too old to fix things.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

*Raises hand*

 

[issyishere]

I am in the exact same boat as you, I cannot plan long term. Recently anything past a few days feels like fantasy.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Yes.

 

[Ae54rge]

Well I've been a heroin addict for 5 years. Been clean for 2 years. But I'm still miserable as hell. I'm thinking that this next year is the year I'll do it. My birthday is Jan 13 and I'll be 34, the same age one of my favorite philosophers - Phillip Mainlander - killed himself.

Dam OP. Thats real strength you have managing to be 2 years clean. I would have thought someone suicidal wouldn't cope. It's what I'm counting on to help the SI. The worse things are the easier it should be I hoped. I've just had no courage to try since I last did in my early 20s

 

[Ae54rge]

I thought for sure I'd be gone by 18, and then I wasn't, and then I thought for sure I'd be gone by 30. I've still got 8 months before that passes me by though

I was the same, tried at 22 and failed and lost all bottle, if the last 7 years are anything to go on, I have F all idea how I'm still here or meant to even face another day. I was thinking the same as you and the OP perhaps my next birthday my 30th would be a great choice.

 

[Sea Turtle]

I relate to this a lot ... today's actually the 2 year anniversary of me opening up to anyone, got sent to the ER ... never again...

Sometimes I regret telling anyone those years ago and not just taking action. I don't know what to do with myself now that I'm still alive. I was never supposed to get here.

 

[Mentalmick]

Yes my friend, yes.

In primary school we had to draw images of things we had in mind for our future, or place we'd thought we'd be in life when we grew up. Mines looked very much like this...
View attachment 54920

I'll bet your teachers raised a few eyebrows after seeing this little Jem.

 

[Average Joe]

I've been suicidal for as long as I can remember. It makes me unable to plan long term.

oh my god yes, I thought it was just me!
years of neglecting myself, hygiene because what's the point of teeth if your dead, as well as college, work, not getting driving lessons, not meeting anyone, not trying to recover because of the mentality that "I'll be dead soon"

years later and I'm picking up the pieces

 

[akuyya]

yep me. I went on a drug binge that lasted 1 year and have done irrepairable damage. I was convinced i was gonna die, so i went all out and enjoyed my ride. I didn't only hurt myself but lots of other people too.

 

[Maka hiamoe]

If I had killed myself 13 years ago I wouldn't have missed anything worthwhile. Lately I've been fucking up my life on purpose to make it easier to kill myself.