Ashley_1988
Member
- Dec 13, 2019
- 62
I feel so disappointed about myself, for many month now i´ve been in that numb state doing nothing. I am not even really sad - i just don´t care. The days are blurring into each other, sometimes i am not sure which weekday we´re actually having. About two days ago I have had the great idea to postpone my ctb date for at least two years, in order to really give it another shot. But tbh the only thing i am thinking about currently is how to get SN, how to find the less painful way to just go..that's so paradox it isn´t even funny.
My recovery plan ended in the worst possible way i never felt such a strong urge to ctb. When I reflected the reasons of that "bizarre" development i guess thx to my two year plan I actually set myself under such a huge pressure to do anything but hanging around doing nothing. But that is all just wishful thinking, i have not the energy to do anything..sometimes i am not even in the right mind set to accomplish everyday activities like brushing the teeth, or showering every second day- I feel pretty discussing.
Regardless of the stuff mentioned above, I don´t see really a point to give live another shot at all. I have been suffering for years, always fighting and fighting..until the next fucked up shit in my live happened and i had to pic all the pieces up again. And i am tired so tired..I know if i keep on living i will have some or nice experiences But I know that the darkness will always overshadow the light.
And my last straw was my abortion, i still think it is the right to decide if u want to keep the child or not- i would never judge!!. But for me personally it was something that I will never forgive myself it feels like I just killed a part of myself...And i hate me for throwing that pity party cause no one pressured me into that decision.
sorry for venting so long...I am just tired to be alive and but not breathing and feeling dead and still hurting...I hate the place where I am now..i hate that i am not changing anything about it...
My recovery plan ended in the worst possible way i never felt such a strong urge to ctb. When I reflected the reasons of that "bizarre" development i guess thx to my two year plan I actually set myself under such a huge pressure to do anything but hanging around doing nothing. But that is all just wishful thinking, i have not the energy to do anything..sometimes i am not even in the right mind set to accomplish everyday activities like brushing the teeth, or showering every second day- I feel pretty discussing.
Regardless of the stuff mentioned above, I don´t see really a point to give live another shot at all. I have been suffering for years, always fighting and fighting..until the next fucked up shit in my live happened and i had to pic all the pieces up again. And i am tired so tired..I know if i keep on living i will have some or nice experiences But I know that the darkness will always overshadow the light.
And my last straw was my abortion, i still think it is the right to decide if u want to keep the child or not- i would never judge!!. But for me personally it was something that I will never forgive myself it feels like I just killed a part of myself...And i hate me for throwing that pity party cause no one pressured me into that decision.
sorry for venting so long...I am just tired to be alive and but not breathing and feeling dead and still hurting...I hate the place where I am now..i hate that i am not changing anything about it...