chlorine
I am free, therefore I am lost.
- Apr 12, 2019
- 217
I'm new to this site, I've used it as a resource a while ago but this is my first post. So I'll just vent here. I've been hospitalized for about a week, and I don't know how long I'll have to stay here this time, since it happened about a month ago too. They're about to transfer me from emergency unit to psych ward and I have no clue how that will look like, even since I'm 17 and minors can't be in psych unit in my country, but they'll do it anyway. I still want to die. I don't always want to kill myself, but I want to disappear. Just be gone. Forever. I tried to cut my veins a week ago. It wasn't planned out well, especially since I had no energy to do so. I just had this video in my mind, this video looping. It was about me entering my dark bathroom, letting only my phone to light up the room. So it was night, I would wait until I was sure everyone was asleep, then go into the bathtub with a t-shirt and some shorts. I would let warm water fill the tub. I would then take my three scalpels I bought in the pharmacy and put them beside me. Look at my arm for a while and then starting to draw my veins with the scalpel, starting from my wrist up to the beginning of my forearm. I would then proceed to do the same to my other arm. I would then wait and let myself bleed to sleep. Unfortunately that video was a very bad and stupid plan. Last week I tried to act upon that video, and I ended up being found by my now screaming mother and dissociating until I found my self hospitalized. I clearly am so stupid that I am not able to end my life.
A month ago was different. Last month there was no video looping. I was just tired, tired of existing in this mortal and futile meat bag. So I just had that impulse, I thought, maybe if I take enough aspirin I'll be able to die with little effort. So I went to the pharmacy and bought 100 pills of 500mg aspirin. Then I was home alone. I stared at the pills for a while, I then grabbed a whiskey bottle and started taking the pills. The first 10 went down easy with gulps of alcohol, then I proceeded till I took about 40 pills. I was afraid of my mother coming back home, so I went out. I went in a small dark street near the centre of the city I live in. I sat there for a while. I took 10 ibuprofen pills. Drank some water. Took about 5 more aspirin pills. I started to get dizzy and nauseated, and I couldn't possibly answer the numerous calls from my mother and sister, who were looking for me. But I did, I wanted to hear them one last time. I told them I would be home soon, though they did not know I didn't mean it literally. After a while I felt my heart pounding out of my chest, and I started to get scared, started to think that my plan was a bad plan and that I'd just be found unconscious in that street but still alive with my liver destroyed. So I stopped taking the pills. I took courage and called a suicide line, who then talked me into letting them call the ambulance. I was then hospitalized for three days with no major physical complications. My psychiatrist prescribed me an antidepressant and an antipsychotic, but after a month, here I am again, worse than last time, having breakdowns nearly everyday and being paranoid towards everyone. I don't know what to think of myself, I'm just tired. Hope someone will relate.
A month ago was different. Last month there was no video looping. I was just tired, tired of existing in this mortal and futile meat bag. So I just had that impulse, I thought, maybe if I take enough aspirin I'll be able to die with little effort. So I went to the pharmacy and bought 100 pills of 500mg aspirin. Then I was home alone. I stared at the pills for a while, I then grabbed a whiskey bottle and started taking the pills. The first 10 went down easy with gulps of alcohol, then I proceeded till I took about 40 pills. I was afraid of my mother coming back home, so I went out. I went in a small dark street near the centre of the city I live in. I sat there for a while. I took 10 ibuprofen pills. Drank some water. Took about 5 more aspirin pills. I started to get dizzy and nauseated, and I couldn't possibly answer the numerous calls from my mother and sister, who were looking for me. But I did, I wanted to hear them one last time. I told them I would be home soon, though they did not know I didn't mean it literally. After a while I felt my heart pounding out of my chest, and I started to get scared, started to think that my plan was a bad plan and that I'd just be found unconscious in that street but still alive with my liver destroyed. So I stopped taking the pills. I took courage and called a suicide line, who then talked me into letting them call the ambulance. I was then hospitalized for three days with no major physical complications. My psychiatrist prescribed me an antidepressant and an antipsychotic, but after a month, here I am again, worse than last time, having breakdowns nearly everyday and being paranoid towards everyone. I don't know what to think of myself, I'm just tired. Hope someone will relate.