Horrific body dysmorphia

[nightlygem]

A few months ago, I was very active at the gym and watching my calories like a hawk, making sure I never went over and ate the right foods.
As someone who's suffered with an eater disorder for most of their childhood, it started to bother me after a while. Watching my calories and refusing to eat the foods that made me happy just felt wrong. It made me feel gross inside.

So, I stopped watching my calories. Then, by some unfortunate events, my gym membership has been canceled. I do not have my license yet, so even though paying for another membership isn't an issue, driving myself to the gym is.

So, here I am. I work all day as a receptionist so I'm pretty much sitting for 8 hours straight. I eat shitty foods, and I don't work out.

I was feeling fine about it until this week. I started noticing that my skin felt heavy. When I sit, my stomach rolls feel heavier. When I bring my shoulders back, I can feel the excess skin bunch up. I can pinch the bottom of my face and pull out my hidden double chin.
I feel awful. I feel hideous. I don't own a scale but I can only imagine the weight I'm at right now.

I feel ashamed. I feel broken. I feel unloveable. I feel fat.

The only option to fix this issue is to cut back on my food and to start working out again. I've started losing my appetite, so that's good. The issue I have is working out. I just, can't bring myself to do it. I work 8 hour shifts everyday, so the last thing on my mind is to exert myself even more when I'm already exhausted. and before you say anything: no I'm not going to go on a walk. I can barely get out of bed for work, there's zero energy for walks/runs. Especially not at night in a sketchy neighborhood.

If anyone out there has any ideas for calisthenics or simple things that I can do at home, please let me know. For now, I'm planning on doing 2-3 minute planks a day.

 

[makingaplan]

Good looking for solutions! There's a lot of YouTube videos with workouts you can do at home. Push-ups, planks, lunges, and air squats. Look up the seven minute workout. I feel like it's pretty effective.
Maybe you can post this somewhere you can see it frequently and try to think of your body in this light.

2 Cor 12:. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delightin weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

 

[SentimentalTrip]

I understand how you feel. I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. Throughout the entirety of 2019 I busted my ass and lost 60 pounds and became skinnier than I ever been in my life. But when the pandemic started I began putting on the weight again. I became so depressed in 2021 and 2022 that I let the problem spiral out of control. Not only did I gain all the weight back, I became more overweight than I had ever been before in my life. I've lost some of the weight again, but not much. Gaining it back has been one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my entire life and not a day goes by that I don't think about how I reached my life goal and I squandered it almost immediately after. I feel awful.

My advice is to not panic and gradually start setting realistic goals so you can gradually lose the weight again. You said it's only been a few months so its probably not as bad as you think. Just don't let it spiral out of control and don't eat when you feel depressed, because it will only make you feel worse. Remember, most of the weight you lose stems from cutting calories, not burning them. Try to get into the habit of doing cardio but focus mostly on not overeating.

 

[nightlygem]

Good looking for solutions! There's a lot of YouTube videos with workouts you can do at home. Push-ups, planks, lunges, and air squats. Look up the seven minute workout. I feel like it's pretty effective.
Maybe you can post this somewhere you can see it frequently and try to think of your body in this light.

2 Cor 12:. 9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ's sake, I delightin weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I am actually a non-denominational Christian so this really means a lot. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

I understand how you feel. I have struggled with my weight for most of my life. Throughout the entirety of 2019 I busted my ass and lost 60 pounds and became skinnier than I ever been in my life. But when the pandemic started I began putting on the weight again. I became so depressed in 2021 and 2022 that I let the problem spiral out of control. Not only did I gain all the weight back, I became more overweight than I had ever been before in my life. I've lost some of the weight again, but not much. Gaining it back has been one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my entire life and not a day goes by that I don't think about how I reached my life goal and I squandered it almost immediately after. I feel awful.

My advice is to not panic and gradually start setting realistic goals so you can gradually lose the weight again. You said it's only been a few months so its probably not as bad as you think. Just don't let it spiral out of control and don't eat when you feel depressed, because it will only make you feel worse. Remember, most of the weight you lose stems from cutting calories, not burning them. Try to get into the habit of doing cardio but focus mostly on not overeating.

I agree 100%. Luckily, being off my antipsychotics has caused me to lose a lot of my appetite and sense of hunger, but I won't lie and say that I haven't been tempted to eat my feelings away; definitely don't want to be monitoring my calories because numbers make me feel gross, but I'll definitely be mindful when it comes to eating regardless.
I wish you well.