That must be really causing you great distress. If they are intrusive thoughts, that doesn't mean you will act on them or they are a reflection of your character. It doesn't make you a bad person for thinking about this, the mind has ways of becoming our worst enemy.
It must be really hard to cope, especially if you don't feel like you can talk to anyone irl about this.
I sadly don't know how to deal with disturbing thoughts myself, I just try to numb my mind by any means possible to stop thinking.
I hope that people, and me included don't judge you on your thoughts. It must be hard trying to cope with these thoughts alone.