Spent almost the whole day with my family. Breakfast with my mom, her husband and my grandma.
Some time for me downloaded new music and watched Secular Talk. Listened to texts from the newspaper.
Middle of the day - recently the most painful hours of the day. My dad surprised me and came to see me. We went shopping. My sister needs a new washing machine. My dad always goes to shops and never buys anything. It makes me really sick. To see all the things and not buying anything. I noticed my new ripped black jeans that I truely love might be too tight. My stomach hurt. Which made me sad because I thought I might have wasted 50 bucks. I think I ate a lot the last days. I felt better aftering going to the toilet. I hope the jeans fits. It would make me angry on myself a lot.
My dad triggered me a lot. I already said to him how much this topic burdens me and how sensitive this issue is for me. We have to talk soon what comes next for you (vocationally) soon but not today. Bro this fucked me up so hard. And I already explained that to him. This topic makes me so fucking suicidal. It really hurt me to bring up this topic. And I texted him that on a messenger afterwards. In contrast to my mom he knows how close I was to killing himself and despite that he is pressuring me. I told him that openly afterwards. I am extremely desperate over my vocational future. I cannot work. College ruined my mental health. I almost kill myself because of it. And he cannot accept that. He blames me and my doctors for making no progress. While he thinks he knows it better and wants to pressure me to go to a certain clinic. I told him he is not helpful at all. I hope he understands now. But I doubt it. I am already thinking "oh my God I am such a failure to leave college I should kill myself over that shame". There are no vocational alternatives I tried literally everything else. So many people on here suggested me things as if I did not consider them. I consider to kill myself in April when college re-starts. My therapists is good for venting but tbh she rather makes me feel like my desperation is really rational. I am well aware how bad my situation is. Give me hope. Instead she reinforces my desperation. I think the next time I want to talk about suicide with her. Not sure how much I will reveal. I don't want that she stops me in April. And I also don't want to get dropped. But my friends want that I am honest with her. I think she easily forgets things. I think she does not take my suicidality serious. I think I will be quite explicit at the next appointent on the 27th December. She will forget it anyway until April. She is not really motivated. I really thought this therapist has to be a good shot. He or she has to have the skills to prevent me from committing suicide. And I think she is not the one. Lol. She was the fastest therapists though. Not even the one therapist for emergency cases did reply anymore.
But the worst thing was yet to come. Maybe. Maybe one even worst thing is going to happen. And the woman I text with does not wish me merry chrsitmas. She has not yet. There is potential for even a way worse day. At evening I spent 1,5 hours with my mom, her husband and my grandma. It was horrendous. It increased my pain so so so fucking much. It reminded me of being a child. Where all the abuse happened. Which ruined my life irreversibly. This is why I hate spending time with my family. I got 150 Euros all in all today. But honestly it does not comfort me. I wll have big money issues in the future.
I realized I hate my existence. And it is likely that everything is going to become way worse in the future. I cannot work. No woman loved me in a romantic way and I am fucking 27. All my peers accomplish things while I rot in misery. I wish I killed myself in October. But I was not determined enough and messaged my friends to say goodbye. And they called the police. Looking back at the year there were some good things. I had some dates. But I think I am not good at dating. Got rejected twice. Mabye I am insufferable. Maybe I am an insufferable person. Maybe I am the problem. I hate to spend christmas with my familly. But it will feel so much worse spending it alone and being old. However, this year has shown I might not get old. I had two hypothesis what happens when I attempt or come close to it. Either I will get traumatized and get scared of suicide. It did not happen. Quite the opposite. It made me really numb and rather desensitized me from looking death into its eyes. I think no matter what I will never be happy. Not to speak to think about all the things I long for which seem to be out of reach.
I changed the model for my glasses and I am quite happy about that. I think I look way better and more modern with my new model.
The last thing on my bucket list besides partnership is done. Reading Infinite Jest. I accomplished that within 5 months. And now I am reading a reader's guide. I think I would never accomplish that in my life time. It felt good.
The best thing of the year happened because of someone on Sanctioned Suicide. There is an extra money program for people who are severely dependent on help of others. 332 Euros per month. We got 2100 Euros thus far this year. It feels like a massive win. And this money is somewhat hope for my financial future.
After spending the evening with my family I cried pretty badly. When I was with them I lurked on Sanctioned Suicide which comforted me.
Maybe because I am so insufferable I barely get matches on dating apps. And maybe this is the reason I never was in a relatonship. Maybe it is the right thing to kill me to end this shit show.
Some time for me downloaded new music and watched Secular Talk. Listened to texts from the newspaper.
Middle of the day - recently the most painful hours of the day. My dad surprised me and came to see me. We went shopping. My sister needs a new washing machine. My dad always goes to shops and never buys anything. It makes me really sick. To see all the things and not buying anything. I noticed my new ripped black jeans that I truely love might be too tight. My stomach hurt. Which made me sad because I thought I might have wasted 50 bucks. I think I ate a lot the last days. I felt better aftering going to the toilet. I hope the jeans fits. It would make me angry on myself a lot.
My dad triggered me a lot. I already said to him how much this topic burdens me and how sensitive this issue is for me. We have to talk soon what comes next for you (vocationally) soon but not today. Bro this fucked me up so hard. And I already explained that to him. This topic makes me so fucking suicidal. It really hurt me to bring up this topic. And I texted him that on a messenger afterwards. In contrast to my mom he knows how close I was to killing himself and despite that he is pressuring me. I told him that openly afterwards. I am extremely desperate over my vocational future. I cannot work. College ruined my mental health. I almost kill myself because of it. And he cannot accept that. He blames me and my doctors for making no progress. While he thinks he knows it better and wants to pressure me to go to a certain clinic. I told him he is not helpful at all. I hope he understands now. But I doubt it. I am already thinking "oh my God I am such a failure to leave college I should kill myself over that shame". There are no vocational alternatives I tried literally everything else. So many people on here suggested me things as if I did not consider them. I consider to kill myself in April when college re-starts. My therapists is good for venting but tbh she rather makes me feel like my desperation is really rational. I am well aware how bad my situation is. Give me hope. Instead she reinforces my desperation. I think the next time I want to talk about suicide with her. Not sure how much I will reveal. I don't want that she stops me in April. And I also don't want to get dropped. But my friends want that I am honest with her. I think she easily forgets things. I think she does not take my suicidality serious. I think I will be quite explicit at the next appointent on the 27th December. She will forget it anyway until April. She is not really motivated. I really thought this therapist has to be a good shot. He or she has to have the skills to prevent me from committing suicide. And I think she is not the one. Lol. She was the fastest therapists though. Not even the one therapist for emergency cases did reply anymore.
But the worst thing was yet to come. Maybe. Maybe one even worst thing is going to happen. And the woman I text with does not wish me merry chrsitmas. She has not yet. There is potential for even a way worse day. At evening I spent 1,5 hours with my mom, her husband and my grandma. It was horrendous. It increased my pain so so so fucking much. It reminded me of being a child. Where all the abuse happened. Which ruined my life irreversibly. This is why I hate spending time with my family. I got 150 Euros all in all today. But honestly it does not comfort me. I wll have big money issues in the future.
I realized I hate my existence. And it is likely that everything is going to become way worse in the future. I cannot work. No woman loved me in a romantic way and I am fucking 27. All my peers accomplish things while I rot in misery. I wish I killed myself in October. But I was not determined enough and messaged my friends to say goodbye. And they called the police. Looking back at the year there were some good things. I had some dates. But I think I am not good at dating. Got rejected twice. Mabye I am insufferable. Maybe I am an insufferable person. Maybe I am the problem. I hate to spend christmas with my familly. But it will feel so much worse spending it alone and being old. However, this year has shown I might not get old. I had two hypothesis what happens when I attempt or come close to it. Either I will get traumatized and get scared of suicide. It did not happen. Quite the opposite. It made me really numb and rather desensitized me from looking death into its eyes. I think no matter what I will never be happy. Not to speak to think about all the things I long for which seem to be out of reach.
I changed the model for my glasses and I am quite happy about that. I think I look way better and more modern with my new model.
The last thing on my bucket list besides partnership is done. Reading Infinite Jest. I accomplished that within 5 months. And now I am reading a reader's guide. I think I would never accomplish that in my life time. It felt good.
The best thing of the year happened because of someone on Sanctioned Suicide. There is an extra money program for people who are severely dependent on help of others. 332 Euros per month. We got 2100 Euros thus far this year. It feels like a massive win. And this money is somewhat hope for my financial future.
After spending the evening with my family I cried pretty badly. When I was with them I lurked on Sanctioned Suicide which comforted me.
Maybe because I am so insufferable I barely get matches on dating apps. And maybe this is the reason I never was in a relatonship. Maybe it is the right thing to kill me to end this shit show.
